In further corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
6.25.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Yesterday’s Russian Civil War 2.0 was cancelled
due to inclement weather and unfortunate production mishaps which resulted in
multiple conflicting scripts having been handed out to the involved actors.
Anyone who wishes to have their tickets reimbursed is requested to apply in
person at 2 Bolshaya Lubyanka Street and ask for ‘Yegor.’
·
The Ministry of Science is pleased to report
that the mysterious one-thousand-foot-tall rancid gouda statue of Blyaat the
Caat which appeared in Central Moscow over the previous few days has
disappeared. “We have no idea where it came from, what it was, or who was
responsible, but at least it’s gone again, so that’s one incomprehensible facet
of the universe less for us to worry about,” said High Science Priest Reg
LeCrispovitch in an early morning statement. “We at the Ministry of Science
have now turned our attention back to quantitively documenting the flavors of
crayons and uncovering the secrets of why peanut butter sticks to cats.”
·
Any claims that military aviation assets were
destroyed in Yesterday’s Unpleasantness are incorrect. While a number of
aircraft have gone missing, the number is no larger or smaller than the normal
amount of attack helicopters or cargo planes which wander off and get lost
every day. Aviation High Command is confident that the missing aircraft will be
located, probably hiding under a couch somewhere, and returned to base
eventually.
·
While the resolution of Yesterday’s
Unpleasantness has resulted in a number of individuals in Wagner or
collaborators in the army and police agencies wondering if they will be
arrested and shot, the FSB is pleased to announce that they are absolutely
certain no members of the crew of the heavy cruiser Moskva were involved
in the incident.
6.26.2023
In further corrections
to official Russian government statements:
·
Despite breathless reporting from Western news
sources, Vladimir Putin’s “Stab in the Back” quote is not from Nazi ideology.
Rather, as a student of classical literature, he was referencing Julius Caesar
and Brutus’ betrayal, in which the titular character begged ‘Nein, Brutus,
Nein!’ Similarly, Putin’s efforts towards achieving Lebensraum by urging
the common volk to do their patriotic duty to the Fatherland, and his
recent retreat to the Führerbunker are simply coincidental turns of
phrase.
·
Claims that Yevgeny Prigozhin has been seen
hiding in the Swiss alps while wearing a blonde wig and a dirndl to escape FSB
vengeance are untrue. That particular person was Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu
and his latest attempt at escape has been foiled.
·
In economic news, the ruble has fallen to a fifteen-month
low following the Recent Unpleasantness and now is trading at fourteen
rubles to the Triganic Pu, nineteen rubles to the Flavian Pobble Bead, and two
hundred and thirty-seven rubles to the Spaceballs Space Buck. Exchange rates
for nonfictional currencies are currently unavailable as our economic reporter
has been laughed out of every major exchange.
·
This week’s episode of the groundbreaking
science fiction program Tsar Trek, titled ‘Mirror, Mirror’ features a
special guest appearance by none other than the legendary movie star Steven
Seagal, playing a bloated corpse who lies on the bridge of the Tsar Ship Suvrovov
for the entire episode. Caught in an ion storm when attempting to row back
to the ship, the Away Team finds themselves trapped in a parallel universe
where everything is changed. Can Captain Kirkovitch unravel the mystery of why
the entire crew is sober? Why is Mr. Spockula’s evil twin no different than his
normal twin? Can Scotteva sneak into the boiler room to distill enough bathtub
vodka to get them back home? Find out the answers to these questions and more,
tonight at nine o’clock Moscow Time!
6.27.2023
In further corrections
to official Russian government statements:
·
Claims that Wagner leader Yevgeny Prigozhin’s Recent
Unpleasantness involving an armored military group attempting to storm
Moscow by force was stopped simply to prevent bloodshed are false, the Kremlin
said this morning. “This deceitful man slyly claims that ‘not a single soldier
on the ground was killed,’ ignoring not only the airmen in the attack
helicopters he killed, but the six hundred and fifty-seven Mole People who he
annihilated in a subsurface massacre,” Dmitry Peskov said as he surveyed a
scene of carnage in a cave hundreds of meters below the surface of the earth.
“As a result of this traitorous action, our top-secret plan for an army of
drill tanks has been set back by years, and now may never come to fruition.” At
press time, Peskov was sobbing openly as he slowly ran out of oxygen and collapsed.
Memorial services will be held Thursday.
·
Breathless Western reporting that violent
convicted criminals who were pardoned in exchange for fighting with the Wagner
group have now returned home to commit new crimes are false, according to a
Ministry of Justice memo released today. “Just because a convicted murderer is drunkenly
wandering around with a pitchfork threatening to kill everyone he sees
doesn’t mean that he isn’t a fully reformed citizen, now able to make his way
in the world without causing mischief.” A follow-up memorandum released an hour
later stated, in part, “Okay, so maybe that guy’s back in jail for another
murder now, but at least he’s off the streets. Case closed.”
·
Despite some media reports, there are no Russian
spies in Switzerland who are working for the FSB. While the Stars Coffee
corporation has embarked on a new global effort to discover the secret recipe
for Swiss Miss hot chocolate, deep penetration agents have discovered that the
brand is actually an American invention owned by Conagra and has nothing to do
with Switzerland at all. All Russian agents have now left the country and are
currently in France to attempt to unravel the mysterious 3 Musketeers bar
recipe.
6.28.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Irrespective of flippant
remarks from Western military sources, former Wagner chief Yevgeny
Prigozhin is not spending the weekend at the residence of anyone named
‘Bernie.’ He has instead been sent to a farm in upstate Belarus where he can
play with the rabbits all day long.
·
The Kremlin wishes to extend an apology to
residents of Leningradsky Prospektin Moscow for the one-hundred-foot-tall
hologram of a naked and fully erect Vladimir Putin, which was dancing and
singing high-volume showtunes from Gilbert and Sullivan’s “The Pirates of
Penzance” from two AM to six AM this morning. As best as can be determined, the
Office Cat fell asleep on the controls of the Emergency Holographic Dictator
System and replayed a recording which was only intended for personal use by the
President. The Kremlin employee which left the door to the EHDS system control
room has been sacked.
·
This week’s heartwarming episode of the beloved
children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat, in which the lovable rapscallion Jon
incited an armed revolt against the President and marched on Moscow at the head
of an armored column of robotic prostitutes, has no relation to the Recent
Unpleasantness and is merely a coincidence. The producers of the program have
taken pains to point out that the episode was written, animated, and recorded
four weeks ago and as such could not possibly have any relation to recent
events, even if the episode did end with the depraved cat being exiled to
Belarus for his crimes against the state. The segment in which Jon snorted so
much cocaine off the naked rear end of a stripper that his testicles grew legs
and started dancing, however, was inspired by actual events here at the
Kremlin, and required additional bribes to network censors.
6.29.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Despite some fears on the part of technical
staff, President Putin’s new tactic of remaining constantly in view of the
public has not put any strains on the Emergency Holographic Dictator System
which is responsible for most of his public appearances. In a bid to calm
nerves, the Chief Engineer set condition red on the entire Kremlin while
yelling “I’m givin’ ‘er all she’s gut, Captain!” over the sounds of frying
computers and squealing machinery. “I cannae change the laws of physics!” he
begged, as sirens began to blare. President Putin’s next appearance will be at
the grand opening of a new Tasty Period in Nizhny Novgorod, assuming the EHDS
system does not explode before then.
·
While questions remain regarding General Sergey
Surovikin’s involvement in the Recent Unpleasantness, the fact that no one has
recently seen him or any evidence that he’s still alive should not raise any
eyebrows, the Kremlin said this morning. “Look, he’s probably just on vacation
somewhere with a lot of clubs and angry FSB agents,” Dmitry Peskov said in a
televised briefing, while changing into a heavy leather smock and torturer’s
hood. “If he’s gone somewhere, or has anything we need to know, we’ll get to
the bottom of it shortly.” Sadly, due to an apparent miscommunication and
paperwork error on the part of FSB staff, Peskov was then accidentally tortured
to death in the KGB’s legendary Hydraulic Dildo Chair. Memorial services will
be held next Thursday.
·
In economic news, the expected shocks to oil
prices following the Recent Unpleasantness have not occurred, pointing to
unexpected stability possibly brought on by the fact that Russian oil is now selling
at prices below the cost of extraction. “Look, it’s not like things can get
worse,” said Gazprom spokesperson Lubya Ludnakov. “India and China are
basically taking it off our hands for free, since we can’t stop pumping or the
wells will dry up. Bulgaria tried to rip us off by trading us a shipping
container full of used pinball machine parts, but we were like, hell yeah!
Score! We’ve set up an arcade in the main office, and that’s bringing in more
revenue than petroleum products at this point.” At press time, members of the
board of directors of Gazprom were weeping openly and trying to bypass the TILT
function of Kirby’s Pinball Land.
6.30.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Former American President Trump’s claim that Vladimir
Putin has been ‘somewhat weakened’ is a farcical and disgusting lie, said
the Kremlin this morning. “Donald Trump wouldn’t know what strength was if a
prostitute peed it on his face,” an enraged Dmitry Peskov said in an emergency
broadcast. “Vladimir Putin is the strongest man who’s ever been completely
rebuilt from Spam and Flex-Seal and Trump had better remember that if he knows
what’s good for him!” At press time, Peskov was last seen jumping up and down
screaming Release the pee pee tape! before being tranquilized by his
handlers and dragged off stage.
·
We here at Russia One Television would like to
take this moment to reassure all viewers that while it is rumored that some
kind of ‘brain-eating spiderbat plague’ is infesting our broadcasting offices,
the truth is much more benign and I have not been forced to sacrifice my intern
Yuri as a decoy while I escaped under the cover of small arms fire by the FSB
agents who are tasked with ensuring I report the Party Line. In actuality, the
spiderbat plague has been constrained to the biological weapons division in the
irradiated tunnels below the Kremlin, and to our best knowledge there is no
semi-sentient pile of radioactive goo down there demanding tribute. *Screams
and gunfire in the distance* Thank you.
·
In sexual wellness news, a shortage of personal
lubricant may be experienced in the upcoming days due to an unfortunate
explosion in the Berdiansk Strategic Lube Repository. The Ministry of
Health would like to remind all adults that Tasty Period Szechuan Sauce is not
an acceptable substitute, due to various burn-related reasons.
·
This week’s episode of the popular cooking show Is it
Potato with Yuri and Yevgeny has been cancelled due to damage on
the set which occurred on the recent episode ‘Fish and Anti-personnel mine
chips’ in which it was determined that even if they can be dug out of the dirt,
land mines are not potatoes. Also, we’re pretty sure the other thing was a
Ukrainian torpedo boat and not a fish.
7.1.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
The high-level talks between the American
CIA and the Russian SVR foreign intelligence service regarding the Recent
Unpleasantness do not represent any change in the diplomatic stances of the
two nations, the Kremlin stated this morning. “Professional intelligence
agencies will often deconflict situations through dialog, and this case no
different than the time the KGB went out of their way to inform MI6 that the
Soviet Union was not behind the rampaging horde of Sleestaks that took over
Westminster Abbey for twelve days in 1979,” Kremlin spokesperson Dmitry Peskov
said in a candid interview. “We still think New Zealand was behind that one,
although what they were trying to accomplish, we’re not sure,” he stated,
shortly before he was dragged off by a trio of reptilian humanoids and
sacrificed to the Sleestak God. Memorial services will be held next Thursday.
·
Despite a thorough investigation, no evidence
has come to light that the crew of the heavy cruise Moskva was in any
way responsible for the implosion of the submersible Titan.
·
The Ministry of Science would like to inform a
curious populace that the recently discovered fossilized skeleton of a
mini-Putin in the La Brea Tar Pits is not proof that the recently escaped Putin
clone has somehow traveled back in time to be entombed. “President Putin’s
origins are at this time completely unknown, although it is theorized that he
originally crawled from the primordial ooze sometime in the early Mesozoic
Era,” stated High Science Priest Reg LeCrispovitch. “It is entirely possible
that some long-lost civilization – maybe the Atlanteans, maybe the ancient
aliens from the hollow earth, who knows – cloned Putin back in the ages before
time, allowing this set of skeletal remains to be found in our era.” Sadly, the
High Science Priest was unable to give any further insight as his presence was
required for a Discovery Channel investigation on Reverse Yetis in the Bermuda
Triangle.
7.2.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
News that multiple
World War 2 era British Hawker Hurricane fighters have been discovered near
Kyiv is simply further evidence that the West is directly at war with
Russia, the Foreign Ministry said today. “Now, not only do we have evidence
that NATO is directly attacking us, but the 1942 RAF has somehow bridged time
itself in order to cause mayhem,” said elephantine Foreign Minister Sergey
Lavrov this morning through an ingenious device which allowed him to type out
communications on a keyboard with his elephant trunk. “Not only do these
fighter aircraft represent a technology greater than that currently possessed
by Russian Aviation forces, they’re also in much, much better condition than
most of our air force.” At press time, Lavrov had managed to entangle his trunk
in the typewriter and was bellowing loudly.
·
The Ministry of Truth would like to take this
moment to apologize for the poor quality of our recent internet trolls, shills,
bootlickers, and propaganda in general. With the Wagner Group having recruited
all of the best convicts from the Russian prison system the Ministry of Truth
has been relegated to combing insane asylums, doomsday cults, and Blyaat the
Caat fan clubs to replenish our online presence, but even that is
insufficient to explain the recent drop-off in troll quality. This was sadly in
large part due to Agent #5465’s recent attempts at cost-cutting at Twitter
Headquarters, which has result in service outages and an outbreak of Kamchatkan
Brain Lice due to poor hygiene. A special contingent of FSB exterminators has
been dispatched to San Francisco in hopes of cleaning this mess up and
eliminating all problems inside the building.
·
In the ongoing effort to recruit new generals to
replace those lost to internal Stalinist purges, the Army High Command has
reached out to individuals who demonstrate the skill, knowledge, and strategic
mastery which is needed to turn the Special Military Operation around. The army
General Staff is pleased to announce that Triumph the Insult Comic Dog has
accepted a commission and is currently examining our attack plans. His initial
comments are that they are ‘Very, very, very good.’
7.4.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
The makers of the hit new historical
entertainment product ‘Dance Dance Bolshevik Revolution’ would like to extend
an apology for including the capitalist song ‘Gangnam Style’ in the playlist,
as multiple reports of injuries have surfaced following dancers’ attempts at
transitioning too quickly from a Cossack Squat dance to a Korean style of . . .
whatever that is. “Sadly, we have two critical cases in ER right now, where people
attempted this maneuver, only to have their pelvises burst into flames,” said
the Moscow Central Hospital spokesperson this morning. An emergency patch for
the game system will be released as soon as it passes Quality Assurance checks.
·
President Vladimir Putin has reassured
our partners in Asia of the continuing stability of the Russian Nation. “The
Russian people are consolidated as never before,” Putin told a virtual meeting
of the Shanghai Cooperation Organisation (SCO) on Tuesday, in a dramatic
technical feat which involved digitally erasing the columns of smoke and flames
in the background and the hellish screeching of Muscovites as they feasted upon
each other’s flesh. “Russian political
circles and the whole of society clearly demonstrated their unity and elevated
sense of responsibility for the fate of the fatherland when they responded as a
united front against an attempted armed mutiny,” Putin added, shortly before a
group of his bodyguards began firing on random civilians. It is hoped that this
display of a calm, ordered nation will reassure the world that *explosion in
background* things are perfectly normal here.
·
The Iranian government-controlled news
organization Mehr has released new information regarding the Iranian
Cultural Week program which is being held in Moscow. Artists specializing
in carpet weaving, Photoshop image alteration, and misogyny will be holding
workshops for Muscovites interested in broadening their skills, an in exchange
the Foreign Ministry is a cultural exchange with Tehran where Russian
specialists can provide information on vodka distillation and drunken street
fighting. It is hoped that this effort will broaden contact between our two
nations, and other cultural exchanges are planned in the future with the
Corsairs of Umbar and the goblins of the Misty Mountains.
7.5.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
President Putin has recently said that the
Russian economy is ‘performing
better than he expected’ after being given the latest data sheet ginned up
by Economic Minister Mikhail Mishustin. “We have arrived at this particular set
of numbers by carefully examining what the President wishes to hear, and have
confidently delivered,” Mishustin said in a closed-door press briefing. “We
have every expectation that the economy will continue to do whatever it’s
actually doing and that as long as we continue to deliver quality fiction, we
won’t get shoved out of windows.”
·
The Ministry of Entertainment would like to
issue an apology for the recent release of the puzzle game “Mobik’s Cube.”
While the game’s premise remains sound – players are asked to reconstruct each
Russian soldier from his constituent parts - many reviewers found it to be in
poor taste. With this new use case for the product in mind, future releases will
ship with extra-large packets of Tasty Period Szechuan Sauce.
·
With even
Western media sources proclaiming the supposedly omniscient American CIA
has no idea what President Putin is thinking, the FSB proudly announced
this morning that they have no such limitations. “While Joe Biden occupies the
White House at this time, many Americans believe us when we claim that Donald
Trump is the true president, and we know exactly what Trump is thinking at any
moment since we have his brain in a jar here at the Lubyanka,” a shadowy FSB
spokesperson said on condition of anonymity. “We’ve been able to insert
electrodes into the brain jar and observe activity in his hippocampus, which
appears to be a long-running pleasant dream in which he has sex with himself
over and over again.” At press time, in America, an assistant was attempting to
refill Trump’s hollow skull with Jell-O to preserve the illusion of thought.
·
Last night’s heartwarming episode of the beloved
children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat, in which the lovable rogue Jon
flayed Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov alive and made a skin suit out of his
remains in order to gain access to the Strategic Prostitute Reserve do not
represent any political position on the part of the producers of the program.
“Look, we’re just cartoonists, we can’t be expected to make any kind of policy
decisions here,” said an inebriated person who answered the phone when we
called. At last report, the Reserve was down to emergency levels and an urgent
plea had been sent out by the Ministry of the Interior for more prostitutes.
7.6.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Reports that failed
mutineer Yevgeny Prigozhin has returned to St. Petersburg are incorrect,
according to the Ministry of Defense. “As should be expected, we and our
friends at the FSB are keeping close tabs on his whereabouts, and according to
our intelligence he has fled to Switzerland in a blonde wig and dirndl in an
attempt to hide,” said spokesperson Igor Konashenkov. “While there’s an
infinitesimal chance that he is gathering his strength to make another attempt
at civil war, we believe this scenario is so remote as to be ignored.”
Konashenkov was unable to answer further questions as his attention had been attracted
by a blonde Swiss woman offering him a box of chocolates that had a lit fuse
coming out of it.
·
Western claims that the Russian ruble has
collapsed are complete fabrications, the Ministry of Finance said today. “Our
attempts to decouple the ruble from the failed Western currencies has
succeeded, and instead of being dependent on the values of other monetary
units, our newly dirt clod-backed fiduciary instruments will be able to resist
economic shocks across the world,” stated Finance Minister Ogg the Neanderthal.
“With the exchange rate pegged at two rubles to the dirt clod, we fully expect
the Russian economy to rebound as we head out of the third fiscal quarter.” At
press time, Ogg was last seen trying to fight off a pterodactyl with his club.
·
In ongoing Mad Science news, the one remaining
mini-Putin clone which has not escaped the Kremlin has undergone a wholly
unprecedented form of asexual reproduction, and has split down the middle to
become two identical Putin clones, scientists say. “We’re not entirely sure how
an organism larger than a cell can undergo mitosis, but there you are,” said
High Science Priest Reg LeCrispovitch in remarks. “Our current hypothesis
revolves around his love for Twinkies and we plan to force-feed one of the two
until he either explodes or reproduces.” Share prices of Vladivostok Mad
Science, Inc. rose sharply on the news.
7.7.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
The management of the Kremlin cafeteria food
workers union would like to apologize for this morning’s Incontinental
Breakfast mishap. The laundry service will be open all day for anyone who
wishes to have their trousers cleaned.
·
There is no truth to the rumors that Yevgeny
Prigozhin is hiding under President Vladimir Putin’s bed. The President does
not even own a bed, as he sleeps hanging upside down from a metal hook that was
specially constructed for him in his belfry.
·
The recent withdrawal of the Baltic
Architects Unions Association (BAUA) from the International Union of Architects
over the Special Military Operation in Ukraine will not cause any undue
hardship for construction projects in Belarus or Russia, the head of the
Russian Federation Architectural Union (RFAU) said this morning. “Look, it’s
not gonna be a problem for us unless they want to build a brutalist style
building in Latvia, and then I’m gonna say no,” said RFAU spokesperson Bela
Lugosivitch this morning. “From my point of view, if someone wants a BAUA House
then they just gotta accept that Bela Lugosivitch is dead to them.”
·
Reports that Russian troops have placed
explosives on the roof of Zaporizhzhia nuclear plant are shameless lies,
said the Ministry of Technology this morning. “Our best trained nuclear
scientists are on site, installing radiation detectors in order to prevent
tragic mishaps, not cause them,” said the MoT spokesperson in prepared remarks.
When reached for comment, IAEA chief Rafeal Grossi would only say, “Shit,
considering the normal staggering incompetence by those bozos, the idea that
they’re trying to help is even more fucking terrifying.” At press time,
Scientists from the Ministry of Technology were attempting to assemble an IKEA
bookshelf and nearly achieved a thermonuclear detonation.
7.8.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
The Ministry of Defense would like to issue
clarifying remarks regarding the recently horror movie ‘The Recruiter’ which
contains some factual inaccuracies. While the central premise of ‘Three days
after you see the Recruiter, you die!’ is correct, those deaths cannot be
attributed to supernatural causes. Additionally, Russian Army Recruiters
generally do not have more than two arms or legs and often have significantly
fewer.
·
The recent statement by Turkish President
Erdogan that Ukraine should be accepted into NATO does not represent any new
threat to Russia, the Foreign Ministry has said today. “Such a step would only
be to offset the new countries added to the CSTO since last week,” said a
half-werebeaver half-werepineapple Sergey Lavrov this morning as he underwent a
lycanthropic transformation. “We have inducted the nations of Cromagnia,
Brungaria, Cobra Island, and the Socialist Democratic Republic of Phillipe’s
Back Yard, and we fully expect mutual defense treaties to be signed in the
coming days.” Lavrov was sadly unable to answer questions as he completed his
transformation at this moment and was mistakenly placed in a fruit bowl.
·
In economic news, claims that President
Putin is somehow ‘cannibalizing’ the Russian economy are false, as is
indicated by the recent sharp rise in the GDP and worker productivity as noted
by famed economist Yegor Yaganovich. “Western nations often judge economic
activity by metrics such as employment, output, or how many people are starving
in the street, but the Russian economy is an entirely different science,” he
writes in his latest book, How to Get Rich by Eating Dirt. “In Russia,
worker output is primarily driven by fear of being sent to the Crimean front or
being pushed out of a window, which are far more powerful factors than simple
‘pay.’” His statistical analysis covering worker beatings per annum has been
praised by the Kremlin for its insight and ability to generate whatever numbers
are needed at the moment.
7.9.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Reports of an ongoing “Purge” in the Russian
Army High Command are completely false, said the Ministry of Defense in this
morning’s briefing. “There have been no firings of general officers, there have
been no executions, no one’s been sent to the gulag,” MoD spokesperson Igor
Konashenkov said as he was shackled and blindfolded to a post in the Lubyanka
execution yard. “Some officers have taken the opportunity for an early
retirement to make way for up-and-coming officers, but aside from that,
everything is perfectly normal here in the Ministry of Defense.” Konashenkov
was unable to answer follow-up questions to his statement.
·
There is no truth whatsoever to claims that
Wagner Chief Yevgeny Prigozhin is hiding inside the one-hundred-foot-tall erect
penis at the PenisLand attraction in BlyaatLand. While his current
location is a matter of speculation, the Penis Tower is an inflatable balloon
and cannot support the weight of a human being. In order to quell these rumors,
BlyaatLand park management will deflate the erect penis today by showing
it AI-generated images of a nude Gérard Depardieu.
·
In Mad Science News, the ongoing experiment to
replicate asexual reproduction through mitosis in mini-Putin clones by
force-feeding them Twinkies has encountered an unexpected snag, the Ministry of
Science reported today. “While our top scientists are still examining the data,
it appears that jamming two hundred and fifty Twinkies into one mini-Putin
somehow caused the other one to explode in a shower of gore and flesh scraps,”
said High Science Priest Reg LeCrispovitch in an emergency briefing. “Our current
hypothesis involves entangled quantum pairs shared between the two which allow
the Twinkie Particles to tunnel through spacetime. Well, that, or someone mixed
up the labels on the experiments again. But probably the quantum thing!” At
press time, the entire Ministry of Science was overjoyed to learn that some of
the flesh scraps had begun morphing into even tinier mini-Putin clones.
7.10.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Claims from a so-called ‘independent analysis’
that fifty thousand Russians have died in the Special Military Operation in
Ukraine are flawed, stated the Ministry of Defense today. “The word ‘died’ has
unfortunate implications which we prefer to avoid,” said MoD spokesperson Igor
Konashenkov. “While a number of army personnel have graduated to a
transcorporeal existence where the limitations of physical bodies no longer
hinder them, in the Army this is viewed as a sideways promotion and a chance
for them to perfect their skills in haunting, rattling chains, or possessing
inanimate objects as poltergeists.” At press time, inarticulate howling and
screams were echoing throughout the halls of the Ministry of Defense.
·
In ongoing Mad Science news, the Ministry of
Science is pleased to announce that the scraps of flesh left over from the
mini-Putin clone which exploded during the Quantum Entangled Twinkies
Experiment have fully formed into tiny microPutins and have been collected in a
terrarium from which there is no chance they might escape. “An urgent effort is
now underway to locate and recapture the escaped mini-Putin, partly out of
concern that it might have endured some ‘spooky action at a distance’ effects
due to the previous experiment, and also to see what happens if we shove a
couple of cases of Twinkies in him,” said High Science Priest Reg
LeCrispovitch. The Ministry and the FSB have both issued urgent pleas for all
citizen to report any sightings of feral Putin Hobbits roaming Moscow.
· This week’s episode of the groundbreaking science fiction program Tsar Trek, titled ‘The Doomsday Machine’ pits Captain Kirkovitch and his old friend Commodore Deckerovitch against a strange mechanical device capable of destroying entire rowboats, with famed actor Steven Seagal playing the part of the doomed alcoholic Commodore. Can Mr. Spockula find a loophole in the Tsar’s Naval Regulations to prevent Deckerovitch from taking over the Tsar Ship Suvrovov? Can the two Tsar Ship captains sober up in time to realize they’re fist-fighting a garbage truck? How did Checkov get in the rowboat with the ship’s goat in the first place? Find out the answers to these questions and more, tonight at nine o’clock Moscow time!
7.12.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Western media reports that Russian citizens are furious at army
losses in Bakhmut could not be further from the truth, the Kremlin has said
this morning. “We have conducted extensive man-on-the-street opinion poles, and
the one thing we can report with absolute certainty is that the average
man-on-the-street simply does not want to be smacked with wooden poles by FSB
agents,” Kremlin spokesperson Dmitry Peskov said in response to queries from
this station. “Most citizens just start running out of sheer joy when they spot
the FSB Opinion Pole Teams.” A follow-up poling has shown a nearly unanimous
collection of pole-shaped bruises.
·
Despite some statements, there is currently no
evidence that the
recently murdered Russian submarine captain Stanislav Rzhitsky was targeted
and assassinated by the crew of the heavy cruiser Moskva.
·
In other news, thew crew of the heavy cruiser Moskva
are still dead.
·
The planned and long-awaited presentation of the
Barbie movie soundtrack by the 1158th Conscript Battalion in Bakhmut
has sadly been cancelled due to inclement artillery fire, the fact that the
orchestra’s instruments have all been stolen and sold for vodka, a DCMA threat
by Warner Bros. Pictures, and liquidation of subsequent cubing of all
conscripts in the battalion itself.
Instead, a morale-lifting presentation showing the actual Coca-Cola
bottle featured in the famous movie ‘The Gods Must be Crazy’ will take place on
. . . *touches earpiece* . . . I’m being informed that a DMCA cease-and-desist
order has been issued by a judge and that presentation will not take place. We
will report on news of further morale-building exercises as soon as any can be
scheduled.
7.12.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
In the ongoing effort to recruit new generals to
replace those lost to internal Stalinist purges, the Army High Command has
reached out to individuals who demonstrate the skill, knowledge, and strategic
mastery which is needed to turn the Special Military Operation around. The army
General Staff is pleased to announce that the offer of a commission has been
extended to former Charles Manson follower Leslie Van Houten, who has been released
from prison after fifty-three years and has a resume which demonstrates the
desire for indiscriminate murder expected by all General Officers.
·
Suspicions by Western counterintelligence
officers that Marjorie
Taylor Green is a Russian asset are false, said a shadowy FSB spokesperson
on condition of anonymity today. “Look, we tried recruiting her, but she was
batshit crazy and honestly she’s like that psycho ex that you’re worried is
going to show up in the middle of the night, boiling St. Petersburg on the
stove like a bunny,” said a nervous Mr. Nobodyovitch from under his hat and
trench coat. “Look, you goddamn Americans, you can’t blame that shit on us, you
made that she-devil and all that shit’s on you.” At press time, Mr. Nobodyovitch
was nervously shuffling away and visibly flinching when anyone yelled “MARJORIE
TAYLOR GREENE” at him.
·
The management of the Kremlin cafeteria would
like to apologize for the ‘Sea Slug Surprise’ which was served as an entrée
yesterday. Investigations have revealed the supposed ‘slugs’ did not originate
in the sea, any ocean, or any body of water and there are strong doubts that
‘slug’ is even an adequate name for a multi-legged creature which possesses a
hitherto undiscovered poison sack underneath its spiny tail. The Moscow Central
Hospital Emergency Room will be open for extended hours tonight for anyone who
explored that section of the salad bar, and please note, cases which are
experiencing anomalous tentacle growth will be given priority. Please make sure
to note any such symptoms on admittance. Thank you.
7.12.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Recent reports that a long-sealed crypt has been
opened by powers unknown and an ancient figure whose name is almost lost to
history has returned to creaking life are false, said the curator of the Moscow
Museum of Ancient History this morning. “Look, the first thing we did once we
sobered up, heard the screams. and saw all the dust was to go down into the
basement and see what was cracked open,” said Igor Olavensky. “It wasn’t the
oldest sarcophagus we have, but you never really know what’s in them for sure,
so we probably shouldn’t have gotten drunk and started randomly popping lids
off of things that were buried in the desert thousands of years ago.” At press
time, the shambling mummy was last seen being handed the latest set of Kremlin
talking points and was lurching towards the internet.
·
The director of Russia’s state nuclear
corporation Rosatom has today denied all claims that Russia is plotting to
cause a nuclear catastrophe. “You
would have to be a complete idiot to blow up a nuclear power station where
three and a half thousand people work, including a very significant number of
people from all over Russia,” Alexei Likhachev said in a morning briefing that
started two and a half an hours late after he stuck a fork in an electrical
outlet for the fourth day in a row. “As soon as the feeling returns in my right
hand, and I get someone to change my diaper, I will write up a full denial and
post it on my forehead.” Likhachev was last seen attempting to eat a bowl of
oatmeal with a knife and cutting himself badly.
·
In ongoing Mad Science news, the ongoing Quantum
Entangled Twinkies experiment has produced fresh data, as the mini-Putin clone
which is assumed to be the Twinkie Particle transmuter was stuffed with another
two hundred and fifty Twinkies, and the terrarium filled with microPutins
filled with a dense smoke which is hypothesized to be an aerosolized cloud of
microscopic Putin clones. “This can only mean that we can infinitely reduce our
President’s clones down to an atomic level, where they can act as Maxwell’s Demons to
reverse entropy and produce an infinite energy supply for Russia!” said High
Science Priest Reg LeCrispovitch while surrounded by burning Twinkies. We will
continue to report on this story as it develops.
7.17.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Claims that the recent excess
display of energy on the Kerch Strait Bridge was an attack by Ukrainians is
false, according to a statement today by the Kremlin. “The is no possibility
whatsoever that the armed forces of Ukraine are capable of such a thing,” said
Dmitry Peskov this morning. *Touches Earpiece* . . . I’m being told there is a
new statement by the Kremlin, which reads, and I quote, “This terrorist attack
by Ukraine was carried out by saboteurs in league with pig boats . . . *touches
earpiece* . . . correction, it is now stated that the Kerch Strait Bridge was
not attacked by pigs in boats but that . . . *touches earpiece* . . . missiles
carried by truck boats . . . *touches earpiece* . . . a giant cloud of
micro-Putin clones . . . *throws earpiece away* We will continue to report on
this story as it develops.
·
In economic news, the
recent decision by Russia to pull out of the Black Sea grain deal was not
brought about by a desire to create a global famine or increase food
insecurity, the Ministry of Agriculture said today. “It is the mission of this
agency and this nation to promote world health, nutrition, and to improve the
lives of every person on the globe,” said spokesperson Anna Crapovna this
morning while standing in front of a massive pile of bovine excrement.
“However, for this deal to continue, it must also include the exports of
Russian fertilizer, because honestly the way this bullshit keeps piling up,
we’re gonna get buried if we don’t get rid of it.” Moments later, Ministry of
Defense spokesperson Igor Konashenkov showed up with another dump truck filled
with promises for army recruits.
·
This week’s episode of the groundbreaking
science fiction program Tsar Trek, titled ‘Catspaw’ pits captain
Kirkovitch against an alien intelligence hellbent on their destruction or at
least humiliation, as the Tsar Ship Suvrovov is captured and toyed with
by a small kitten. How did this foul beast arrive on the ship? Can Mr. Spockula
use his Vodka Mind Meld to communicate with it? Why did captain Kirkovitch
drunkenly pass out with his face in the litter box? Can Chekov sober up enough
to realize he steered the ship into a pet store? Find out the answers to these
questions and more, tonight at nine o’clock Moscow Time!
7.18.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Hysterical Western media claims that Russia’s
recent withdrawal from the Black Sea grain deal is somehow a ‘stab in the back’
are completely untrue, said the Kremlin this morning. “No true Russian would
ever stab a friend in the back when guns, poison, or explosives would do the
job much more easily,” Kremlin spokesperson Dmitry Peskov said this morning as
shadowy assassins approached him silently from behind. “This also completely
discounts the time-honored garrote, ricin capsules in umbrellas, honey traps
with poisoned vagina spikes, or my personal favorite, the surprise coral reef
snake in the bathtub,” he added just before a lethal blade was forced between
his shoulder blades, killing him instantly. Memorial services will be held next
Thursday.
·
There is no truth to the rumors that Orcas are
wholesale devouring the workers who have been assigned to repair the Kerch
Strait bridge. Orcas have never been observed to communicate with each other in
any way whatsoever and besides, the only apex predators in the waters of the
area are the Black Sea Bass, which due to an unfortunate planning incident
during Soviet times have lasers attached to their heads. There are also
dolphins, but those are mainly harvested to be sold as tuna.
·
In entertainment news, President Vladimir Putin
has now, in his infinite love for the Russian people, taken
a page from noted American horror novelist Stephen King and spent a few
moments of his busy day to act as a substitute advice columnist for the “Ask
Babushka: Advice for the lovelorn” column while she completes her sentence in
the Lubyanka for the attempted castration of her neighbors. In this issue of
the Moscow Herald, readers will learn Putin’s advice for a woman who suspects
her man is having sex with a neighbor (kill him) advice for a woman who
suspects her man is having sex with a tree (kill him, cut down the tree) advice
for a woman who suspects her man is having sex with an unexploded 500-pound
bomb (consider killing him, but also consider sitting back and watching for
fireworks) and advice for a woman who killed her husband for having sex with a
tree but has come back from the dead (kill him again, and cut down the tree
again.) While his answers may not have the ‘woman of the earth’ wisdom that
readers wish, it is expected that everyone who reads this column will enjoy it
or be killed.
7.19.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Claims that Russia is somehow an ‘imperialist’ threat are
fantasy and completely devoid of facts, said the Ministry of Science this
morning. “As all are aware, the Soviet Union adopted the Metric System instead
of the outdated Imperial system of measurements used by the corrupt West, and
have further moved on to the postmodern non-Objectivist measuring units,” said
High Science Priest Reg LeCrispovitch this morning. “In this system, a
‘vatnikgram’ is equivalent to three stolen toilets, a ‘gopnik-meter’ is the
distance covered by a drunken street hoodlum running away from sirens in the
time it takes for an empty vodka bottle to hit the ground, and one kilo-ruble
is between one and one thousand rubles depending on how many have been skimmed
off under the table.” The Ministry of Defense has confirmed that they have been
using this system of accounting for decades.
·
The Russian fast-food chain Tasty Period has
denied rumors that it has recalled the recently-introduced Mobik Cube Burger
due to it being in ‘poor taste,’ stating in a memo published in the Moscow
Herald that “. . . this decision has nothing to do with the recent pictures of
cubed and compressed recruits that have gone around on social media, but is due
instead to the poor quality of recruit meat which prevents it from holding
shape long enough to take proper seasoning.” In response, the Ministry of
Defense has pledged to require all newly raised conscript battalions to
marinate at least six hours in Tasty Period Szechuan Sauce before being
deployed in battle.
·
In archeological news, an expedition in Krasnodar
has uncovered what they claim to be evidence of an ancient, highly advanced Rus
civilization which may well have been the direct ancestors of modern Russia.
“We have found fully intact human skeletons, complete with stone knives and
perfectly preserved animal skin clothing, in such perfect condition that we can
tell they were performing some ancient religious rite involving smearing their
feces on each other,” reads the official announcement. *Touches earpiece* . . .
I’m being told . . . further investigation appears to have conclusively
identified the figures as members of the 1148th Conscript Battalion
which were recent victims of a friendly-fire incident with thermobaric weapons.
The expedition promises to continue their research.