In further corrections to official Russian government statements:
7.20.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
The recent inadvertent attack by Russia
on the Chinese Consulate in Odessa will not bring about any real changes in
the relationship between the two countries, political observers believe. “Our
analysis is that either China’s President Xi Jinping will ignore this insult
along with our destruction of sixty thousand tons of grain that had been marked
for export to Chinese markets, or he’ll kill us all,” said noted political
observer Steven Seagal from the buffet where he works as a security guard. “And
honestly, what would you rather believe? I, for one, believe I want some more
bacon.”
·
Reports that Russian Strategic Rocket Forces are
deliberately targeting grain
warehouses in Ukraine are correct, but this is not a nihilistic campaign of
wanton destruction in the name of promoting global hunger, the Ministry of
Defense said this morning. “Working in partnership with the Ministry of
Science, we have uncovered reasons to believe that the previously escaped
mini-Putin clone has fled Russia and is now gorging on any and all available
food supplies,” Igor Konashenkov said this morning while wearing a lab coat
backwards. “If, as we fear, some element of the quantum entanglement field
which has been experimented with on the other mini-Putin clones exists, then
the consequences of allowing this one to gorge without control are impossible
to predict.” Konashenkov then promised that once this emergency was under
control, the Ministry of Defense would return to their nihilistic campaign of
wanton destruction in the name of barbaric pillaging.
·
In other military news, reports that the Russian
troops in Bakhmut have been ‘semi-encircled’
should not raise any concerns or cause anyone to draw parallels with Nazi
soldiers being trapped in Stalingrad, the Kremlin said today. “The situation,
while fluid, bears no resemblance to the 1942-1943 winter conflict which marked
the turning point in the war and caused the invading army to ultimately
collapse,” Dmitry Peskov said in a press briefing. “While it is true that
similarities exist – namely, a starving army trapped in a ruined city being
refused permission to retreat by an insane, fascist dictator while patriotic
defenders of the invaded nation slowly choke the life out of them – those are
simply superficial, and the underlying military reality is completely
different. Besides, we at the Kremlin are quite confident that Steiner’s
assault will bring the situation under control.”
7.21.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
The recent
arrest of war correspondent and internationally wanted mass murderer Igor
Girkin by Russian security officials is not related to any of his action in his
official role as a military blogger. This legal action was taken in response to
a high court finding that his blog did, in fact, suck.
·
Reports that the use of controversial US-made
cluster bombs against Russian forces have been ‘effective’
are baseless propaganda meant to confuse the simple-minded. In reality, these
weapons are no more or less lethal to our soldiers than any other weapon in the
Russian arsenal, as was demonstrated by last week’s unfortunate friendly fire incident. The
Ministry of Defense has stated that future deployments of critically
psychopathic and deranged soldiers will have their armaments limited to crayons
and possibly bananas. *Touches earpiece* . . . I’m being told that the Ministry
of Defense is experiencing a shortage of bananas. Moving on.
·
The ongoing efforts to destroy all stockpiles
of grains, even at the risk of possibly
alienating what few allies Russia still has left has hit another snag. “We
were doing this just to stop the escaped mini-Putin clone from gorging on food
and causing unpredictable chaos through quantum entanglement with his sibling
here in the Kremlin, but yeah, maybe it’s a bit late for that,” said High
Science Priest Reg LeCrispovitch in statements this morning. “Turns out that
someone -- not namin’ names here, but someone -- someone in the Ministry
of Science left the top off the terrarium with the cloud of micro-Putins and
they wafted out like a bad smell,” he said, pointedly glaring at the camera.
“We get in this morning, and what do you know? The little shits have gotten
into the air conditioning ducts, and I’ll be damned if I know how we’re going
to clean them all out.” At press time, LeCrispovitch was vehemently denying
that he was personally to blame.
7.22.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
The Ministry of Defense would like to apologize
for a recent trivial mix-up in which the barber shop quartet song ‘Shave and a
Haircut, Six Bits’ was unfortunately embedded into the MoscowSoft Bobovitch AI
system heuristic analysis subroutines, causing it to identify all barber shops
as legitimate military targets for hypersonic air to surface missiles. The
Ministry of Defense will no longer depend on MoscowSoft Bobovitch for target
identification and has issued an apology to the next of kin of all Moscow-based
barber shops who have been affected by this minor software issue. As an aside,
one should probably avoid the ‘Pop goes the . . . ‘ uh, you-know-what song for
the time being.
·
Claims by Iranian government agencies that EU
sanctions against Russia are ‘politically
motivated’ have been met with slack-jawed dismay, faces in hands, and utter
existential despair, according to insider sources in the Kremlin. “Jesus
fucking tap-dancing Christ, these psychos are pretty much the last allies we
have left, and this is the best they can come up with? Fucking hell, shoot me
now!” said a senior analyst moments before he was dragged out to the Lubyanka
execution yard and shot to death. At press time, he was still bleeding and
cursing and screaming “Look, you stupid fucks, can’t you do anything
right? Shoot me again, for shit’s sake!”
·
The Tasty Period corporation has today issued an
industry memorandum distancing itself from any necromantic or demonic events
which might occur from a customer playing the “Lobsternomicom Scratch-Off” game
in which lucky patrons who purchase Tasty Period Tragedy Meals might win a
complimentary buy-one-get-one-free deal on McRib sandwiches, or in the case of
a complete six-six-six matchup in the prize sweepstakes, be possessed by the
physical manifestation of Ardui’takov, the Tentacled Horror of the Hell of the Blackened
Depths of the Night. “While we at the Tasty Period corporation support the
freedom of religion, anti-religion, or the efforts of nightmare cultists to
bring about an endless Age of Terror from which light and hope cannot escape,
we do not however take any sides in the free conversations of faith which might
take place between the crawling human insectoids who infest this planet and the
Tentacles which creep out from the impossible angles behind the stars to devour
their minds,” said a faceless sackcloth-hooded nightmare creature from outside
of reality in early morning comments. Tasty Period stocks were sharply up on
this news in early hour trading.
7.23.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
A recent
outbreak of thumb-related injuries among Western audiences has filled the
halls of the Kremlin with glee, according to an insider source who spoke on condition
of anonymity. “Those bastards are farking around with their thumbs, wasting
time, while we here in Russia are close to unraveling the secret of the Chinese
Finger Trap!” said Dmitry Molokov, who lives at 1700 Tverskaka Street, has
black hair, drives a 1973 Lada Granta with the license plate “VODAKSTUD” and
has seventeen points against his license. “These foolish westerners will never
comprehend our finger-puzzle based greatness!” he said, shortly before being
dragged off to the Lubyanka prison by FSB guards who were unable to hold their
rifles as their fingers were caught in diabolically cunning traps. Memorial
services will be held next Thursday.
·
The Ministry of Defense wishes to redact recent
statements which have suggested that the crew of the heavy cruiser Moskva
will be performing voice acting work in the new season of Blyaat the Caat.
They are, unfortunately, still dead.
·
Despite some Western claims, anti-personnel land
mines have after thorough examination been proven to have absolutely no similarities
to cake. While they can be cut with heavy industrial tools, the resulting
explosion has proven to be less than beneficial to the birthday guests at those
parties. The Ministry of Explosive Ordnance and the Ministry of Birthday
Celebrations have teamed up to produce a special pamphlet, titled ‘Please Do
Not Eat Explosives, You Stupid Fucks’ which it is hoped will cut down on unit
losses due to cake-based death and dismemberment. Further experiments on the
similarities between falling mortar rounds and pinatas will be undertaken once
new interns can be sourced.
7.24.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Reports that our fraternal ally China
has been sending Russia enough military equipment to equip an army in
defiance of Western sanctions show the righteousness of our cause, said the
Ministry of Defense this morning. “No matter how the arrogant capitalists try
to strangle our country, we will always find ways to keep the flow of lead,
melamine, and cheap plastic knock-off copies of Western gear coming into our
supply depots where it can be resold on the black market for a tremendous
profit,” said MoD spokesperson Igor Konashenkov from his stall in an arms
market somewhere in Burkina Faso. “Step right up, everyone, we got body armor,
night-vision goggles, and premium-grade tactical radios! You, fine sir, you
look like you could use a gen-you-wine 9K333 Verba man-portable air defense
system for the home! And maybe some land mines for the little lady, too!” At press
time, Konashenkov was last seen cackling madly and rolling a pile of bills of
various denominations.
·
In mad science news, the cloud of micro-Putin
clones which has escaped the research facility and now infests the air
conditioning ducts of the Kremlin has begun to eat at the wiring of the HVAC
system, threatening fires and the loss of climate control, the Ministry of
Science has said. “We’re gonna need to flush those little bastards out, one way
or another, unless my new plan works,” said High Science Priest Reg
LeCrispovitch while furiously unwrapping Twinkies. “My thinking is, jamming
Twinkies down the throat of this one mini-Putin caused the other one to explode
due to some unknown quantum entanglement phenomena, so maybe we can reverse the
process by shoving Twinkies up his ass instead?” While this hypothesis is
currently untested, the mention of Twinkie ass-play has aroused the interest of
a number of Kremlin officials who report directly to the President himself.
· This week’s episode of the groundbreaking science fiction program Tsar Trek, titled “I, Mudd” features a returning guest appearance by none other than the legendary actor Gérard Depardieu, who finds himself trapped on an island with mechanical beings who seek only to serve mankind. Can captain Kirkovitch find some way to profit off of this idyllic utopia? Will Mr. Spockula unravel the android’s dark secrets in time for him to steal their washing machines? Why is Gérard Depardieu out of costume and humping the ship’s goat? Find out the answers to these questions and more, tonight at nine o’clock Moscow time!
7.25.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Extensive research by the Ministry of Science in
the area of pyrotechnics has resulted in a new conceptual breakthrough, titled
‘FIRE BAD’ by the reanimated caveman known as “Thog, Who Steal Egg from
Pterodactyl” who was to the best of our knowledge born in 23,000 BC. His
insight, which lies on the cutting edge of the Ministry of Defense’s medical
procedures, has been inscribed in a stone plinth so that this wisdom will not
be lost to mankind throughout the ages.
·
In unfortunate entertainment news, the high-wire
tightrope walking act “The Amazing Kreplonkovitch Brothers” will not be renewed
for another season on Moscow One Television due to the unfortunate Kreplonk
incident in which they failed to walk across the tightrope spanning the
destroyed Kerch bridge. Memorial services will be held next Thursday.
·
Due to a tragic misunderstanding, all current
Tragedy Meal toys from the Tasty Period fast food franchise have been recalled
as corporate management attempts to find out who authorized radioactive rat
poison as a substitute for “Oozy the Gelatinous Slime” action figures in
children and adult Tragedy Meals in the last week. Anyone who has come into
contact with a viscous, acidic, and glowing substance which was not in a
properly labelled Szechuan Sauce packet is advised to immediately isolate and
await the arrival of Tasty Period Corporate Biohazard Eradication Team members.
7.26.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Western reports that the age
of military conscription has been raised from 27 to 30 in Russia once again
fail to tell the entire story, the Ministry of Defense said in remarks in this
morning. “In truth, there is no legal basis for any cutoff ages, and this is
simply a polite fiction among recruiting officers who for reasons of etiquette
choose not to club, kidnap, and force into service men who look like they might
be old enough to afford to pay a bribe instead,” said spokesperson Igor
Konashenkov from his perch overlooking the newest protesting inductees into the
army. “However, in conjunction with trap door maker ‘Recruits ‘R Us,’ an
automated conscription system has been put into place in bars, opium dens, and
places of work all across this proud nation in order to avoid any age
discrimination claims whatsoever.” At press time, Konashenkov was last seen
falling into his own trap door and being recruited as a rifleman into the 2353rd
Conscript Battalion.
·
Claims that President Putin was somehow ‘paralyzed’
by the Recent Unpleasantness involving the Group Who Shall Not Be Named are
false. The President, during his recent full-body reconstruction following the
explosive end of the 2023 Moscow Olympics, has had his joints replaced with
industrial-grade servomotors which enable him to crush human skulls between his
thighs and he regularly demonstrates this ability as a show of strength to
dominate his political rivals. While it is true that he had a minor power
fluctuation issue during the uprising which caused his entire body to go limp
and defenseless, any claims that he was helplessly sodomized by the entirety of
the Kremlin guard dog pack are completely false. He has since been fitted with
a backup power source and a new rectum, and the dogs have been euthanized.
*Touches earpiece* . . . I’m being told that several of Putin’s Sodomy Dogs
have escaped and are being actively hunted by the FSB. We will continue to
report on this story as it develops.
·
7.27.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Recent reports that the Western agencies NASA
and DARPA plan to launch nuclear rocket to orbit by early 2026 do not
represent any new ‘breakthrough’ or is any kind of ‘revolutionary’ propulsion
technology, according the Ministry of Science. “While a nuclear thermal
propulsion (NTP) system is of course a giant leap forward, it would be best
that the capitalist West remember that Russia has already led the way with the
launch of the Non-Fungible Thermal Propulsion (NFTP) rocket last year,” said
High Science Priest Reg LeCrispovitch in early morning talks. “The combination
of blockchain technology, Bored Ape NFTs, and a giant bonfire made out of
actual money enabled this institute to execute a cryptocurrency rug pull that
will keep us self-funded until far into the next century!” At press time,
rumors were swirling that the Ministry of Science’s holdings of BlyaatCoin
had bottomed out, erasing their entire budget for the year.
·
There is no truth to any rumors that United
States Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s strange
behavior yesterday was the result of nefarious actions by the FSB. “Oh,
fuck no,” said the shadowy figure of the FSB spokesperson in response to an
inquiry. “Best we can tell, McConnell died in 1927 and his soul was sent back
up from hell to reinhabit his body and cause pain and suffering in the world
for another hundred years. I mean, if the Big Boss wants that, who are we to
try to stop him?” Unfortunately, there was no opportunity for our reporter to
ask follow-up questions as the spokesperson immediately disappeared in a flash
of sulphureous smoke.
7.28.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
US intelligence reports that China
is ‘probably’ supplying Russia with military technology are absolutely
false, said Ministry of Defense spokesperson Igor Konashenkov. “Look, we stole
the plans for the US Army Big Wheel tricycle fair and square, and we didn’t
need China’s help for that,” he said while trying on a Xinxing Tianjing
bulletproof vest and Jinan Aoshang Trading Co. bulletproof helmet. “Maybe some
of us are buying personal equipment off of Wish.com or Alibaba, but that
doesn’t mean they’re giving it to us for free,” he said shortly before testing
the bulletproof qualities of his equipment by having an assistant shoot him in
the head with a sidearm. Memorial services will be held next Thursday.
·
With only two days left to go in this year’s
Discovery Channel Shark Week, some viewers may be saddened to learn that the
crew of the heavy cruiser Moskva will again not be appearing as special
guests. Nor will Daria Dugina or Generalissimo Francisco Franco, for equally
important reasons.
·
The Foreign Ministry has today released a
statement in response to African
leaders’ requests that President Putin ends the Special Military Operation in
Ukraine. “This government understands the nature of this request and
appreciates the desires of peoples dependent on the Ukrainian grain that we’re
stealing and/or blowing up, potentially causing mass starvation and global
famine,” hissed Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov, who had been lycanthropically
transformed into a Madagascaran hissing cockroach. “We do, however, suggest
that people facing food insecurity consider other nutritional choices, such as
carrion or fasting. Did you know a cockroach can survive for a month without
food? You all should try it!” At press time, Lavrov had gotten one of his legs
caught in a glue trap and was desperately hissing for help.
7.29.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
As President Putin’s future in government
service appears increasingly in doubt, he has begun to take steps to prepare
for a post-presidential life and explore other career options. Hearkening back
to his pre-Vampirism days as a baker’s apprentice in 1473 in the Kamchatkan
village of Pig-Squirts-In-Mud, he has applied his latest learning to this
ancient art. Sadly, the initial reports from taste-testers of his brand new
‘Polonium Pfeffernüsse’ have not been positive. He plans to refine this recipe
as soon as a new batch of conscripts have been recruited to serve as guinea
pigs.
·
Due to an increasing workload on the part of the
theoretical physics staff at the Ministry of Science, the high-energy goat
field detector experiment will be cancelled and technicians reassigned to other
projects. The surviving goats will be returned to area farmers, and the
goat-shaped hole in the fabric of spacetime which is now emitting dangerous
rays of some unknown kind will be plugged up with the Flex Seal™ family of
products. The Ministry of Science requests that all citizens in the area of northeast
Moscow report any anomalous time displacement events and/or deaths.
·
Claims that Defense Ministry Sergei Shoigu has
travelled to North Korea in the hopes of acquiring new weapons for the Special
Military Operation in Ukraine are false, the Defense Ministry said this
morning. “While we have the greatest fraternal respect for our brothers and
sisters in the DPRK, we are not currently attempting to purchase any dirt-clod
or tree bark based weapon systems, and the Defense Minister’s appearance was
simply a slip-up on the part of the FSB agents tasked with guarding him who
accidentally allowed him to slip his leash and make a desperate run for
freedom,” MoD spokesperson Igor Konashenkov said in a closed briefing. “Shoigu
has been tasered, recaptured, and will be reinstalled in his cage at the top of
the highest Onion Dome in the Kremlin as soon as possible.” At press time,
plaintive howls and cries of despair were heard coming from Shoigu’s “Office.”
7.30.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Despite some fears, this year’s Navy
Day celebrations have not been impacted by a shortage of coal due to
western sanctions. In a show of naval might, a parade of warships and
nuclearish submarines was viewed personally by President Putin in the Gulf of
Finland, a body of water which is now entirely controlled by enemy forces due
to our President’s fifth-dimensional diplomatic strategies. “We can be certain
that our vessels will never again run the risk of running out of coal, as they
cannot ever leave port without being sunk at this point,” Admiral Nikoali Yevmenov
said in a rousing speech commemorating the occasion. Navy Day celebrations will
conclude with parades on land, demonstrations of naval firefighting techniques
on land, seamanship trials on land, and a virtual tour of the heavy cruiser Moskva
in the navy’s newest flagship, which is apartment 27B in a residential building
in St. Petersburg on land.
·
In his ongoing attempts to prepare for a
post-presidential career should he be removed from power, Vladimir Putin has
decided to express his artistic side and try his hand at interior decorating.
Following his first attempt at dressing up his office in the Kremlin, the color
‘Vivid Cerulean’ has now been outlawed and hazmat teams have moved in to
attempt to repair the damage.
·
The Ministry of Science has issued an apology
today for all residents of northwestern Moscow who have been affected by the
recent shutdown of the high-energy goat field detector experiment and the
failure to properly close up the goat-shaped hole in the fabric of spacetime
which is now believed to be responsible for two hundred and seventeen cases of
temporal ‘repositioning.’ “While some unhappiness would be quite in order for
the people who have been unexpectedly transported to the year of 14,785 AD, the
Ministry has in conjunction with Tasty Period offered a special ‘Buy One
Tragedy Meal, Get One Free’ offer for any time travelers who survive both the
trip and the advanced cockroach society which turns out to follow mankind after
our eventual demise,” said High Science Priest Reg LeCrispovitch in remarks
this morning. Note, however, that this offer is set to expire this Thursday, so
please hurry.
7.31.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Reports that the Wagner group has ‘indefinitely’
suspended recruitment of new members should not come as a disappointment to
those who have been in training in hopes of achieving a coveted spot as a
bullet sponge, grenade catcher, or mine detector, the spokesperson for the Arkhangelsk
Asylum for the Criminally Insane said today. “We are fully committed to
supporting our inmates as they work towards clarity, contentedness, and the
expression of their maniacal urges to unspeakable violence in socially useful
ways,” Dr. Igor Frankenovitch said this morning. “While this may feel like a
disheartening setback, we hope that all of our murderous psychopaths and spree
killers understand that they are valued and will be supported in their life
goals until the Wagner Group has once again run out of warm meat.” Following
the media briefing was a brief presentation regarding a morale-raising exercise
for the inmates, in which a pair of sheep were ritualistically disemboweled in
the asylum play yard and the heads used in a rousing game of BlyaatBall.
·
Reports
that President
Putin refused to mention the Special Military Operation in the recent Navy Day
parades are completely untrue. Our fact-checkers at this station have
studied the transcripts of his remarks and have found at least four references
to a ‘utter shit-show debacle of complete fucking failure’ which can only refer
to . . . *touches earpiece* . . . I’m being told now that Putin was referring
to the early access previews of the new season of Blyaat the Caat.
·
This week’s episode of the ground-breaking
science fiction program Tsar Trek, titled ‘Metamorphosis’ postulates the
existence of beings of pure energy and raises the deep philosophical question
of the nature of love itself, as Captain Kirkovitch and the away team are
stranded on a deserted island with a geothermal vent which releases steam in
the shape of a vagina. Can Mr. Spockula find enough coconuts to ferment palm
wine? Can Scottyeva repair the rowboat before Captain Kirkovitch’s genitals are
burned off completely? Why is the ship’s goat on the Away Team, anyway? Find
out the answers to these questions and more, tonight at nine o’clock Moscow
Time!
8.1.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Fire Artist Ivan Ivanovitch’s recent string of
performances inside military recruitment centers do not represent any
anti-war sentiment, the Ministry of Defense said this morning. “All art is
subjective, but we can clearly see that these fires represent the burning
patriotism of the average Russian, who more than anything yearns to sign up for
the army and give their lives in defense of the Army’s recruitment quotas,”
said spokesperson Igor Konashenkov this morning while trying on the latest
asbestos-laced fireproof military fashion line from Babushka’s Backdoor.
“As you can see, the latest uniforms issued to the army have been reinforced
with specially-treated underwire support, delicate floral lace made from
flame-resistant burlap, and a sequined thong which is both bulletproof and able
to withstand temperatures up to two thousand degrees, all of which are needed
to support the burning passions of our troops.” Konashenkov was sadly unable to
answer follow-up questions as he was then hit in the head with a Molotov
cocktail and set ablaze. Memorial services will be held next Thursday.
·
The Kremlin has this morning distanced itself
from recent Foreign Ministry remarks which likened
Tuesday’s drone attacks to the 9/11 terrorist attack on the United States.
“Look, we support what they’re trying to do over there, but maybe cut back on
the early morning meth and krokodil hits, you know? Besides, this
tragedy was totally closer to when the rebel alliance blew up the Death Star,
killing hundreds of thousands of innocent contractors,” spokesperson Dmitry
Peskov said in early remarks. He then spent the remainder of the briefing
attempting to console grieving stormtroopers, who had lost their pet Garbage
Compactor Beast in the terrorist action.
· In a bid to offset budgetary shortfalls, the Ministry of the Interior has announced plans to lease six hundred and sixty-six square kilometers of Siberian tundra to Ragna’thkar, Slayer of the Eighth Hell, in order to set up an outsource call center to be staffed with recently deceased conscripts in the Special Military Operation in Ukraine. “This prime example of out-of-the-box thinking allows both organizations to leverage core competencies while using best practices to move forward on our bottom lines,” said Executive Assistant to the Spokesperson for the Ministry Ana Blobovula this morning. “Truly, this is a match made in he . . . well, you know what I mean.” At press time, Comcast Communications has already signed a long-term contract for technical support call management with the demonic entity.
8.2.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Claims by Western media sources that Belarussian
helicopters recently violated Poland’s airspace are completely false, according
to the Belarussian Air Traffic Control spokesperson Yegor NotWagnerov this
morning. “See, this was just a mistake by Polish radar, thinking our
helicopters were in the wrong place,” he said while repeatedly trying to fix
his false mustache that kept falling off. “It’s an easy mistake to make, yes?”
After repeated prompting, he referred all further questions to the Border
Patrol spokesperson Ivan NotWagnerov and the Belarussian Foreign Minister Sergey
NotWagnerov.
·
In further attempts to prepare for a
post-presidential career should he be removed from office, Vladimir Putin has
embarked on a new occupation as a self-published erotica writer in the same
mold as legendary author Chuck Tingle. While sales of his debut novel, “Hiding
in the Toilet: The Golden Shower of Lust” have not been strong, sales of
antidepressants and suicides by literary critics have spiked sharply following
publication.
·
In ongoing science news, the goat shaped hole in
the fabric of spacetime that was left over after the cancellation of the High
Energy Goat Field Experiment has now been surrounded by a military cordon,
after an unexplained visitation by an unknown entity. “Last night at 4.03 AM
Moscow Time, remote sensors picked up the image of a bat-winged, tentacled,
triple-legged fiery creature which crawled through the Goat Field Anomaly,”
reads a statement from local militia commanders on scene. “At approximately 4.04
AM, the creature looked slowly around, released a smoking cloud of burning
embers, and said ‘Moscow? Oh, fuck this place, I’m out.’ The entity then
crawled back in the hole as fast it could. We will remain on alert until the
Anomaly can be secured.” We will continue to report on this story as it
develops.
8.3.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
The recent warning by United States Secretary of
State Antony Blinken that Russia
must stop ‘using food as a weapon’ simply belies the depths to which the
Western powers have stooped in their bid to control the world, the Ministry of
Defense said this morning. “We will allow no enemy to dictate our means of
self-defense, and as such, the 1011th Conscript Battalion will be
issued personal defense bananas as planned, in lieu of actual rifles which
somehow were sold off on the black market,” said spokesperson Igor Konashenkov
in an impassioned speech. “Despite the threats from imperialists, we will
continue to arm our brave fighters with whatever spoiled produce we haven’t
eaten or fermented yet.”
·
The Ministry of Health today released a
statement regarding the leprosy
outbreak in the American state of Florida. “While it is true that we in
Russia have our own challenges in endemic diseases, citizens of this fine
country may rest assured that at least we don’t have that,” said Dr. Sergey
Quackovitch this morning. “Sure, there’s that tuberculosis problem, there’s
scurvy in Vladivostok, we’ve got St. Vitus Dance in St. Petersburg, and we’re
hearing reports of some new thing where people just burst into a cloud of
plague lice for whatever reason, but leprosy? Not us.” Unfortunately, at this
point Dr. Quackovitch’s arm fell off and he was taken back to the emergency
room for an enema and a purging by leeches.
·
The producers of the highly-anticipated new
season of Blyaat the Caat, set to premiere next week, have denied
reports that the flood of partly digested fish heads which have covered
sections of northwestern Moscow is some kind of ratings stunt. “We’ve been in
contact with the army, and they say that giant pile of nastiness all came out
of that goat-shaped hole in spacetime that they’re watching,” said a producer who
spoke on condition of anonymity. “I mean, if we had the budget, we’d totally do
this but we already spent most of our cash on hookers and blow.” At press time,
a team of army engineers was on route to the scene with bulldozers, preparing
to shove the whole mess of offal back through the hole and into whatever
parallel dimension or universe it came from.
8.4.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Claims that a Ropucha class assault ship of the
Black Sea fleet was heavily damaged in a recent attack are false, according to
the Ministry of Defense. “Yes, the video looks bad, and you can see it listing
heavily to starboard, but you have to take into account that in Russia, we
design with loose tolerances just for this sort of thing,” said spokesperson
Igor Konashenkov. “As far as we know, all that happened was a few thousand
gallons of bootleg vodka were accidentally poured into the boiler, and the
ship’s just staggering home to port to sober up. I mean, it happens to all of us.”
At press time, Konashenkov was last seen taking shots of kerosene while drunken
screams and explosions could be heard behind him.
·
With another successful Discovery Channel Shark
Week behind us, the spokeshark for the Pelagic Tourism and Undersea Carnivore
Board would like to remind all of us that it’s always Russian Week. *shudders*
Moving on.
·
In a further attempt to identify a new source of
employment should he be removed from the office of the Presidency, Vladimir
Putin has embarked on a rigorous training regimen to become the new Principal
Ballerina of the Bolshoi Ballet. To this end, he has spent long hours fitting
himself into his tutu, and will be making a debut appearance at the performance
of Swan Lake this evening at the Bolshoi Theatre. Theologians and crisis
counselors will be on standby.
8.5.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Reports that Ukrainian drone operators have weaponized
Furby toys and Talking Hamster toys as depraved weapons of psychological
terror are sadly true. “We have had numerous, confirmed reports of
animal-shaped devices which record sounds and replay them, to confuse and
terrify our soldiers,” said the Ministry of Defense this morning. “While we
fully expect this horrific war crime to go unpunished by the United Nations,
which is fully under the control of corrupt Western powers, we will continue to
demand that justice is served,” spokesperson Igor Konashenkov said while
gesturing towards a Furby which was marked with a giant “evidence” tag behind
him. Sadly, no follow-up questions were answered, as the Furby at that moment
activated and began screeching “DEATH SHALL FIND YOU ALL!” causing everyone in
the briefing to flee in terror.
·
Reports that Saudi
Arabia has begun ‘peace talks’ that exclude the representation of Russia
are not a diplomatic snub, Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov said this morning in
response from his howler monkey cage in the Kremlin. “As a measured consequence
and response, we will be holding peace talks regarding the Russia-Saudi war
which is about to start in fifteen minutes, and they’re not invited,” he said,
while howling and flinging his feces at the wall. “We’ll see how they like it!
We’ll have our own peace talks, with blackjack and hookers!” At press time, a
column of tanks consisting of two conscripts on US Army Big Wheels was
attempting to storm the Saudi Arabian embassy by force and failing.
·
Claims that the forces of Ukraine have attacked
and damaged yet another Russian ship, this time an oil tanker near the
Kerch bridge, are false. The oil tanker was simply there to dispense a
drone-repelling oil slick around the bridge for defensive purposes, and to
release toxic clouds of burning smoke in a bid to ward off seagulls. The fire,
explosions, and multiple dead bodies floating in the Kerch Strait were simply a
display of excess patriotic zeal.
8.6.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
The recent strike
against a blood bank in Ukraine has drawn condemnation not only from
Ukrainian sources, but also from inside Russia, an insider report from the
Kremlin has stated. This document, which is currently unverified, appears to be
a conversation between a senior assistant to the President and a General of the
Strategic Rocket Forces, and reads in part, “The President was hungry, so he
said ‘hit the blood bank’ to get him dinner, not fucking blow it up with a
goddamn missile! He wanted a O-positive smoothie, not yet another fucking war
crime!” Reports of staff reassignments, sudden retirements, and at least one
‘Vlad the Impaler’-style corpse on a giant stake outside the Ministry of
Defense are also currently unconfirmed.
·
In real estate news, extraordinarily low housing
prices in mostly-destroyed Mariupol are bringing in hopeful buyers from
all over Russia. “This is the time to buy in, when that penthouse apartment
you want is literally on the ground floor along with all the other apartments!”
said an excited real estate agent in response to one query. “I’m hoping for a
sea-side flat where I can feel the breeze, and not have to worry about freezing
my pecker off if I take a leak,” said Ivan, last name withheld, from the Arctic
city of Murmansk. “Seriously, just getting away from these polar bears is gonna
be a big step up for me!” Tours of newly-built housing on top of mass graves of
murdered civilians are available from select agents and/or furious
poltergeists.
·
Despite some claims by the furious West,
American Senator Tommy Tuberville is not currently on the FSB payroll as a
saboteur attempting to cripple the United States Military. “Look, that one guy
is fucking your army up harder than my entire nation has been able to for two
hundred years,” said the shadowy figure of the unnamed FSB spokesperson. “Do
you honestly think we’re competent enough to pull that off? This stupid shit’s
all on whoever was dumb enough to vote for that asshole, but we’re not
complaining.” At press time, Senator Tuberville was reportedly demanding the
entire U.S. Navy sail all of their vessels to Oklahoma to prevent scurvy.
8.7.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Bizarre, impossible claims by Western media that
Russian soldiers are being ‘cleaned
up’ by being left in front of the advancing enemy with contractors shooting
them if they retreat are wholly insane delusions of paranoid minds, the
Ministry of Defense stated in response to questions by this station. “Let me be
perfectly clear: there is no liquidation of our own troops being carried out at
this time,” spokesperson Igor Konashenkov said over the sound of machine-gun
fire and screams. “Even suggesting such a thing is insulting, and the supposed
reasons for this — saving paperwork, saving money by listing them as MIA so we
don’t have to pay survivor benefits, giving the contractors target practice —
are completely absurd and nonsensical. Who could even imagine this of us? I’m
shocked, shocked!” At press time, a small French man was approaching
Konashenkov with an envelope containing his winnings.
·
Recent claims by so-called ‘hackers’ who
brazenly state they have broken into the
website of the Moscow Technical Inventory Bureau are impossible, stated the
Ministry of Information this morning. “We have the highest network security
standards, and I can promise you that if we were to be penetrated by an
external actor, if we were probed in the darkest of places, or if we were to be
caught with our pants down and broken open, we would absolutely be on our hands
and knees working the problem,” said CTO Yuri Gimpovitch to an assembled crowd
of furiously snickering technology workers. “Anyone who had their way with us
and left us dirty and used would be disciplined very, very harshly.” Unfortunately,
no follow-up questions were answered, as the PowerPoint presentation on the
monitor behind the CTO was somehow replaced with a video of him wearing a gimp
suit while servicing an entire BlyaatBall team and he fled the stage in
tears.
·
This week’s episode of the ground-breaking
science fiction program Tsar Trek, titled ‘Journey to Babel’ sets the
Tsar Ship Suvrovov and her crew on a course with destiny as they
transport multiple diplomatic delegations to a peace conference to St. Petersburg.
In a special guest role, Steven Seagal stars as the Vodka Ambassador and father
of Mr. Spockula, who harbors a terrifying secret which may impact the future
negotiations. Can Captain Kirkovitch find out if he’s a spy for the West? Will
Scottyeva be able to get power to the Dilithium boilers to distill enough
rotgut for the passengers? Was Mr. Spockula’s drunken projectile vomiting on
Archduke Franz Ferdinand the real reason for the outbreak of World War One?
Find out the answers to these questions and more, tonight at nine o’clock
Moscow time!
8.8.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Despite some glowing reviews, the recent string
of performances by Fire Artist Ivan Ivanovitch in recruitment centers across
Russia are now claimed to be by unnamed copycats seeking to steal his
glory. “We take this unauthorized redistribution of combustion effects as a
serious copyright infringement, and will be filing a legal complaint with the
relevant authorities,” said a representative from the St. Petersburg Ignition
Agency, which holds all marketing rights for fire in Russia. For your
protection, we wish to remind all viewers that Russian copyright law allows for
individual acts of arson to be displayed to a maximum of five viewers without requiring
a license.
·
Recent statements by the Kremlin claiming that
it is
‘theoretically possible’ to not hold presidential elections do not
represent any kind of step backwards from democracy, Kremlin spokesperson
Dmitry Peskov clarified today. “Look, we all know Putin’s going to win whether
or not we go through the whole song-and-dance, so this is just a cost-cutting
measure,” Peskov said, while taking a break from crushing fingers in torture
cells in the Lubyanka prison. “I mean, every Russian citizen has the absolute
right to make their voice heard by screaming themselves hoarse in unimaginable
pain when put to ‘La Question’ as the French call it, so we can just
dispense with the formalities, right?” In an amusing mix-up, Peskov was
subsequently mistaken for a similar-looking political dissident and forced to
endure having his rectum filled with molten lead. Memorial services will be
held next Thursday.
·
The Ministry of Health has issued a request for
all citizens of Moscow to stop feeding the Gelatinous Cubes which have recently
appeared in Gorky Park, presumably issuing from the goat-shaped hole in the
fabric of spacetime which still defies all attempts at closing. “Yeah, I know
they’re cute and all, and they’re made of some kind of cool acid goo that can
dissolve any organic matter, but if you idiots keep feeding them, they’re gonna
grow big enough to eat people and then we’ll have a real problem,” said the
Ministry spokesperson this morning. Attempts are underway to corral and contain
these creatures, but have so far achieved no success. We will continue to
report on this story as it develops.
8.9.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Breathless speculation among Western media
sources that a ‘rift’
is growing between President Putin and Xi Jinping of China could not be
more false, the Foreign Ministry said this morning. “All relationships have
their ups and downs, and this is one is no different,” said Foreign Minister Sergey
Lavrov through a specially constructed translation device which had been
designed to read his thoughts and convert them to speech, as he had somehow
been lycanthropically shapeshifted into a fire hydrant. “We fully expect that
the two star-crossed lovers will patch up their differences over a nice long
walk on a beach, or over a jar of honey, or maybe the execution of some
political dissidents.” At press time a terrified Lavrov was hysterically
shrieking “Get this dog away from me!” with no one listening.
·
The Ministry of Health has today issued a
warning against participating in the new TikTok viral ‘Gelatinous Cube
Challenge,’ in which youngsters record themselves eating one of the tiny
gelatinous cubes in Gorky Park and then exploding in a shower of blood as the
acidic goo liquifies their torsos. “Look, this kind of thing just isn’t
healthy,” reads the memo in part. “Just don’t do it.”
·
The recent explosion
at a thermal imager factory outside of Moscow was not the work of enemy
forces, the Ministry of Defense said this morning. “At times like this, we
cannot allow ourselves to be ruled by fear,” MoD spokesperson Igor Konashenkov
said today. “We suspect this event was brought about by the still-rampaging
Nuclear Goat, which kills dozens of people daily, or perhaps by some
yet-unknown evil being which has broken through the Walls of Night to devour
the living. Or it could be that escaped psychotic mini-Putin clone, which we
still haven’t caught yet. Or I guess maybe some fragment of the murderous chess
robot Ivan Number Six has come back to life in a bid to destroy us all? Look,
the point is, you can’t just be afraid all the time.” Konashenkov concluded his
press conference with a stern warning to all reporters present to stop crying
and shrieking in terror.
8.10.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Reports that the Conflict
Intelligence Team (C.I.T.) has been labelled an undesirable organization
should not come as any surprise, the Kremlin said this morning. “Let’s be
clear: the Putin administration is constantly on the lookout to protect this
nation from subversive elements, and C.I.T. is suspected to be a front for
technocratic cabal known as ‘The Institute,’” he said, while carefully loading
a Junk Jet launcher with teddy bears. “We additionally are carefully eyeing the
Brotherhood of Steel, the Railroad, and that asshole who keeps telling us that
settlements are in danger. If we see anything suspicious, they’ll be out too.”
Unfortunately, the press briefing was interrupted at this moment as a patrol of
Super Mutants invaded the conference room and dismembered him on camera.
Memorial services will be held next Thursday.
·
Western media claims that a major tank battle
has ended
in ‘pandemonium’ for Russian troops are completely false, the Ministry of
Defense said this morning. “Pandemonium is of course the capitol of Hell in
Milton’s Paradise Lost, which is a major work of fiction and not fact in
any way,” Igor Konashenkov said angrily this morning while surrounded by
sulphureous flames. “There is absolutely no way whatsoever that tank battles
can even occur in hell, because trust me, the Big Boss down here would never
let that happen.” Reports that an entire mechanized brigade has been lost by
accidentally driving into a lake of fire have not yet been confirmed.
·
Due to a DMCA complaint, the 1126th
Conscript Battalion will no longer be allowed to use the Smurfs theme song as
their official marching song. In order to comply with the court order, their
mouths have been temporarily nailed shut to prevent any ‘La, la, la la la la’
from escaping until a replacement song can be identified.
8.11.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
My friends, in these times of hardship and
confusion, we must always take care to remember that righteousness shall
prevail over evil, justice will be done to criminals, and if you need a good
laugh, you can always look out the window to see random Russians being eaten by
a rampaging Nuclear Goat that no one in Moscow has any idea how to stop. The
arc of the universe is long, but bends towards justice, and perhaps that is why
a non-stop avalanche of filth and flies is pouring out of that hole in the
fabric of space-time and covering most of the northwest corner of this fine
city. There may be explosions every day in Russia as our crimes come home to
roost, and things seem to be on fire quite often in inexplicable ways, but we
can all be sure that President Putin is looking out for us all with all the
care that a loving father may have for his . . . *Touches earpiece* . . . I’m
being told that the President is currently crying and running away from a warehouse
fire that just broke out practically next door to his house. *Dramatic
pause* Ehhhh, fuckit.
·
Reports that the tech tycoon Arkady Volozh, who
founded Yandex, has
called the Special Military Operation in Ukraine ‘barbaric’ are completely
unfounded, said the Kremlin this morning. “We utterly reject this accusation,
and will issue a stern rebuttal once we finish drinking wine from goblets made
out of human skulls,” said Dmitry Peskov this morning as he smashed the lectern
with a wooden club for emphasis. “We will crush our enemies, see them driven
before us, and hear the . . . lamb chops? Lame excuses? Whatever that long word
is that’s supposed to go there, we’re gonna hear that, too!” Peskov then
snarled in an uncontrollable display of rage and reminded the press core that
it only took a few hundred years for barbarians to conquer Rome so everyone
‘better watch out.’
· In fashion news, shares of Babushka’s Backdoor stocks rose sharply on the release of the new summer line of barbed wire thong and bustier sets, tastefully arranged with burlap panels for modesty and special attachments for hair and sackcloth accoutrements. “Whether you wish to inspire a burning desire for someone to take these undergarments off, or you simply want to indulge in recreating the Medieval Penitential movement, these fine products will set hearts aflame and passions alight,” reads the press announcement. The sounds of wailing, the sounds of whips cracking, and random hunchbacks screeching “penitenziagite!” have been echoing through Moscow since the launch.
8.12.2023
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Claims that the Kerch
Strait Bridge was attacked yet again by Ukrainian forces are untrue, the
Ministry of Defense said this morning. “There is absolutely no danger for any
civilians wishing to holiday in Crimea, and all reports of smoke are simply the
result of an impromptu game of BlyaatBall which broke out on the highway
by groups of patriotic citizens. Now, it is true that the bridge has some slight
damage, but the roadway itself is perfectly capable of carrying passengers
happily and allowing them to pursue lives of religious fulfillment.” Sadly, the
sounds of drones buzzing overhead drowned out all questions by our reporters.
·
Claims by Western media that the Special
Military Operation in Ukraine parallels the
famed J.R.R. Tolkien word ‘The Lord of the Rings’ are specious claims by
navel-gazers who wish only to retreat into a fantasy world, said the Special
Envoy to Orthanc this morning. “All know that the true owners of the lands of
Gondor and Rohan are the Dunlending tribes of Dunland,” said Wormtongue this
morning in a special presentation delivered by Palantír. “While it is true that
some Russians have begun self-identifying as orcs, and there are similarities
to be found in the fact that the overwhelming power of Mordor and Orthanc
combined will conquer all of the lands of the West should we not be stopped,
these are simple coincidences that have no merit.” Emails sent to Saruman
himself at his orthanc.ru address have not been responded to at this time.