In further corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
·
Yesterday’s tragic and deplorable incident in
which a brave Russian diplomat attempted to soothe international relations by playing
a friendly game of ‘Capture the Flag’ and was viciously beaten in return
simply shows the depths to which diplomacy has sunk, said Foreign Minister
Sergey Lavrov. “Even during the height of the Cold War, both sides were able to
remain cool and calm, and respected international norms while engaging in
assassinations, proxy wars, or attempts to destroy each other’s entire
civilizations,” he said while slowly transforming into a crocodile. “While we
put the entire human race at risk of catastrophic extinction through nuclear
brinksmanship, at least we were polite about it.” He then spent the rest of the
briefing crying about how cruel people could be.
·
Despite some claims, Vladimir Putin’s body does
not have two rectums, from each of which he can extend brass instruments and
woodwinds to accompany him as he sings Gilbert and Sullivan showtunes. Both of
his rectums function normally, allowing him to defecate from one while his head
is up the other.
·
In Moscow Olympic News, yesterday’s badminton
event was a scene of tragedy as the Mouth of Sauron, coaching Team Corsairs
from Umbar, choked to death on a badminton birdie after a serve from the
Kazakhstan team went wide. The Red Lectroids defeated home team Russia in the
Shot Put event after the Russian ‘just carpet everything with shot and then
walk in’ strategy proved ineffective. Today, the 100-meter freestyle swimming
event will place regional foes India and Pakistan against each other, with a
dark horse team of Scooby-Doo villains led by Old Man Winters ready to take
advantage of any mistakes. All eyes are ready for the first official Olympic BlyaatBall
event set to take place next week, and the stakes could not be higher! Stay
tuned for all 2023 Moscow Olympics News!
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Yesterday’s unfortunate network outage at this
studio was related to technical difficulties, in that everyone here was
technically dealing with a difficult hangover. While some questions remain
regarding the empty tequila bottles and the giant sombrero of unknown
provenance that we found on the Yuri from Accounting while he was passed out
and otherwise naked in the lobby fishtank, our technicians have told us that
all issues have been resolved and we should not encounter any further blackout
periods until the next Cinco de Mayo.
·
May Day Victory Parade rehearsals are now
underway in Red Square in preparation for this year’s celebration of our
history and our military might. A special squad of dancing llamas will be
delivered by airdrop at the height of the festivities, which are planned to
include the 1145th Tactical Shovel-Fighting Brigade, the 895th
Mechanized Meat Grinder Corps, and not one but two T-14 Armata tanks being
towed by tractors, at least assuming the tractors can start. While there is
some concern regarding the scheduling overlap with the 2023 Moscow Olympic
Games, it is believed that the traditional overflight of whatever Air Force
aircraft currently remain functional will be able to avoid the glowing,
eldritch figure of the Goddess of the Games and the giant plume of toxic smoke
from the BlyaatBall field.
·
This week’s edition of the long-running Ask
Babushka: Advice for the Lovelorn has been generated by the AI Moscowsoft
Bobovitch due to the ongoing writer’s strike and the fact that the Babushka is
currently involved in an armed standoff with police forces from three Moscow
precincts. On the bright side, Moscowsoft Bobovitch has been programmed with
the full medical knowledge of the internet and has all sorts of wholesome
naturopathy remedies for Scorching Pee in Smolensk’s infection! Look for
the new column in this week’s Moscow Herald!
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Yevgeny Prigozhin’s recent claims that he has successfully negotiated for more
ammunition are completely correct. The Wagner chief threats to abandon the
war effort have not gone unnoticed, and the Ministry of Defense has this
morning issued a statement. “We have corrected the logistical issues which were
causing a reduction in progress in the Bakhmut region, and can say without any
doubt that Mr. Prigozhin will soon be receiving quite a few bullets,” said MoD
spokesperson Igor Konashenkov, while loading an AK-47.
·
There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that
President Putin is a strange breed of toe-sucking vampire, who sneaks into
young girl’s bedrooms at night and licks their feet to devour their souls. His
hobbies are his own affair and his highly flammable reaction to holy water is
entirely coincidental.
·
In Olympic news, today’s scheduled BlyaatBall
game between the hometown Russian team and the Al-Qaeda team coached by the
re-animated corpse of Ayman al-Zawahiri has been delayed due to an unfortunate
re-bombing of the terrorist leader by NATO forces, and the subsequent
disappearance of the rest of the team, who had fled in fear of being named the
#1 boss. “Due to the complexity of the Games, we will not be able to reschedule
the BylaatBall match until tomorrow, which unfortunately will put it
occurring at the same time as the May Day Victory parade,” said MoC
spokesperson Irina Oglaboblovna. “We are certain that we will be able to
prevent any conflict between these two events, no matter what happens.” At
press time, the glowing figure of the Goddess of the Games was glaring
furiously at Red Square and making ominous clacking noises.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Ladies and gentlemen, the news this day is
tragic. While details are scarce, it appears that our brave patriotic forces in
the May Day parade in Red Square have been completely annihilated by the
enraged Goddess of the Games. While the BlyaatBall competition was in
full swing with the Russian team up two goats on the Al-Qaeda team, a flight of
air force bicycle biplanes inadvertently flew through the toxic smoke from
sideline tire fire and crashed directly onto the BlyaatBall pitch. This
appears to have been what infuriated the glowing, supernatural being, and she
went completely berserk right as the 1123 Combat Tricycle Battalion and the
1134th Clown Brigade were marching past President Putin. Oh, the
Humanity! Words cannot describe the scene. Burning tricycles and clown shoes
litter Red Square. Forces from the FSB Guards and St. Petersburg Eldritch
University are moving in to attempt to somehow restrain the otherworldly
Goddess of the Games but as of now the situation appears completely dire. President
Putin’s whereabouts are unknown, and a desperate nation prays for his safety.
·
In entertainment news, this week’s episode of Can
it Cook with Yuri and Yevgeny will attempt to determine if an unexploded
mortar shell can be baked into a casserole. Recipes will be posted on the
Channel One website following the episode for any viewers interested in
replicating the festivities and have access to both munitions and high quality
medical care.
·
The Tasty Period corporation has issued a recall
for the plastic General McBorscht, Conscript McNugget, and Oozy, the gelatinous
slime mascot toys found in recent Tragedy Meals for children. “We have had
several emergency room reports of choking incidents when drunken Gopniks
mistake the toys for drugs, and in a spirit of caution we request that all
Tragedy Meal Toys be returned to the store where they were purchased.” The
Tasty Period corporation plans to replace all toys with sharp knives, crack
pipes, or packages of heroin on request.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
In the ongoing efforts to contain the maddened,
shrieking Goddess of the Games, who recently destroyed several army battalions
during the May Day parade in Red Square, a military cordon has been set up
around the ruined remains of the Moscow Olympic Village. All attempts at
driving the supernatural being away from the heart of Moscow have met with
failure, and a special delegation of occultists and scholars from all over
Russia are assembling in the hopes of finding some way to banish the hideous
specter from this plane of existence. “All we know is that this being possesses
powers beyond our comprehension, due to her absorbing the spiritual residue of
the extradimensional lobster entity previously known as Ska’Naag, known as ‘It
which devours by claw.’ Well, that and a 55-gallon drum of human growth
hormone. And a giant gas line explosion,” said the St. Petersburg Eldritch
University spokesperson, as sirens shrieked in the background and distant
explosions could be heard. “As we speak, the most brilliant minds in mad
science are combing through the Lobsternomicon in the hopes of finding some
spell which can save our city.” At press time President Vladimir Putin, who had
been at the center of the destruction, remained unaccounted for.
·
In traffic news, all major roads near Red Square
remain slow due to the ongoing kaiju situation. If you’re heading out to work
this morning, consider using alternate routes, or maybe just stay home and
drink heavily instead. Leninsky Avenue is bumper-to-bumper after a previous
incident involving the Nuclear Goat, and it’s a standstill out on the Boulevard
Ring due to a large crowd of chanting Lobster Cultists who are being herded by
police. Remember, take your time on the roads, and if you see anything unusual
don’t hesitate to scream impotently before you’re reduced to ashes.
·
Last night’s heartwarming episode of the beloved
children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat, in which the lovable rogue Jon
managed to infiltrate the Afghanistan Taliban in order to hijack a drug
submarine filled with heroin has been heralded as a homage to classic submarine
movies. “The scene in which Jon jams a fist-sized lump of black tar heroin into
his rectum calls back to classics such as Run Silent, Run Deep and the
inevitable conclusion in which his submarine crashes into a reef as he and his
pets cannibalize each other in an orgy of drug-fueled violence will remind all
watchers of the tragic final scenes of Das Boot,” said noted film critic
Igor Igorensky. “I fully expect that all eyes will be on this episode at the
next Academy Awards ceremony.” Requests for comments from the producers of the
program have at this time only resulted in incoherent shrieks of rage.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
While some in the nefarious West may decry our
nation’s recent anti-hobbit measures, one need only look at history to note
that these furry-footed threats to civilization have repeatedly been found to
be at the center of smuggling rings focused on heroin, marijuana, and the guano
of ancient beasts raised by Sauron himself as nightmarish steeds for his
Nazgul. FSB agents are endlessly on the lookout for drug rings focused on the
‘Bat Jenkem’ imported from the darkest bast caves of Mordor, which produce the
so-called ‘Longbottom Leaf’ which is wrecking halfling families and lives
across the known world. If you happen to see a saddened, depraved hobbit,
drooling senselessly in the gutters outside of Cirith Kremlin, please look away
and know that the FSB is attempting to *gunshot in distance* . . . help.
·
The military cordon at the destroyed site of the
2023 Moscow Olympic Games remains tense, with artillery fire and aircraft
attempting to drive back the howling, maddened being known as the Goddess of
the Games. To date no efforts have
managed to even harm the otherworldly glowing figure, and the top minds of
Frunze Military Academy are despairing. “She annihilated our elite tricycle
troops, she crushed the Clown Brigades, and she even ate that restored T-34 we
had pulled out of the Kubinka Tank Museum for the parade,” Ministry of Defense
spokesperson Igor Konashenkov said at early morning remarks in between pounding
shots of Jack Daniels. “We could try nuking Moscow to see if that helps, but we
don’t even know if any of our missiles even work anymore.” At press time, a
rain of burning clown shoes had set fire to several cars on Tverskaya Street.
In further corrections
to official Russian government statements:
·
Reports that Russian soldiers have been fleeing
in abject terror from the Bakhmut region over arguments of what the word
‘liquidated’ might actually mean are completely false, said the Ministry of
Defense in an early morning briefing. “In the fog of war, it’s difficult to
truly be certain exactly how many Russians have been eviscerated by machine gun
fire, shredded to bits by HIMARS or drone-dropped grenades, crushed to death
under the grinding tracks of our own incompetently driven tanks, or actually
melted into a runny goo on the inside of one of those tanks,” MoD spokesperson
Igor Konashenkov stated while feeding chunks of raw meat into a blender. “In
all honestly, our best guesses at how many of our fellow countrymen have been
brutalized, mutilated, or skeletonized in this horrific and futile debacle are
coming from the Ukrainians. I mean, they’ve got better intel than we do.”
·
In what must be a relief to the entire city of
Moscow, the nightmare of the 2023 Moscow Olympic Games has finally come to a
conclusion. At the height of the Goddess of the Games’ rampage, as she broke
through the military cordon and began to vaporize the city with beams of light
from her eyes, an apparently confused Russian Boxing Team Trainer Mike Tyson was
suddenly seen at her feet holding a giant fist-full of Pokémon cards. “Lady,
you gotta check out this new Magic the Gathering thing!” he shouted, and in
that moment their eyes met across the smoke-filled wreckage. In what must have
been a romantic moment, the two were immediately smitten, and the new
star-crossed lovers stepped through a tear in the space-time continuum into a
wholly new universe. “Our best guess is that the power of the Goddess of the
Games was able to create a new world for the two of them to inhabit together.
We wish them the best, and hope they don’t come back,” said a spokesperson for
St. Petersburg Eldritch University. The Moscow Olympic Committee has proclaimed
the Games a complete success, and has already begun soliciting bids for the
2024 Moscow Olympics.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Frenzied claims by Western sources that Ukraine
has gained ‘1 km’ of territory from retreating Russian forces are simple
propaganda intended to prey on the weak-minded, a Vladimir Putin body double
standing in for the still-missing President said this morning. “They just say
‘1 km’ and expect you to assume that means ‘kilometer,’ but in reality, they
refer ‘one kilo-mathom’ which is of course a unit of measurement for useless
gifts in Hobbit culture,” he said while attempting to maintain Putin’s
characteristic limp-handed grip on the podium. “Obviously, a mathom can be no
more than a few inches long or it wouldn’t fit in a Hobbit-sized gift box, so
we can conclude that the Russian army has not fled in utter disarray for more
than a few dozen yards.” At press time, the body double was screaming “Jedi
mind trick! Jedi mind trick!” while waving his hands and trying to do unit
conversions on an abacus.
·
The final tally of gold medals from the teams
who survived the 2023 Moscow Olympics has been counted. The gold medal in the
downhill luge event will be headed back to Isengard with the victorious
Uruk-Hai, the Red Lectroids will be returning to Planet Ten with gold medals in
the Shot Put and Equestrian Dressage events, and at six gold medals for the
home town Russian teams have been recovered from the wreckage of the Olympic
village. Special commemorative plaques have been commissioned for those teams
who were melted, eaten, or otherwise destroyed during the Goddess of the Games’
rampage, and it is hoped that the home countries of these fine competitors will
send new challengers to next year’s Games.
In further corrections
to official Russian government statements:
·
Claims that a Su-34 fighter bomber, Su-35
fighter, and two Mi-8 helicopters were shot down yesterday by Ukrainian forces
are false. Those aircraft instead rapidly self-disassembled mid-air due to an
excess of patriotic zeal. It is believed that enough parts have been recovered
to reassemble a hybrid helicoptobomberplane.
·
On this Mother’s Day, it is important that we
all honor our parents, and the Russian government will again lead the way as
Igor Konashenkov sends his mother flowers, Sergey Lavrov sends flowers to the
zoo, and Dmitry Peskov lays a laurel wreath on the Black Sea where his mother
is believed to have been briefly beached before heading back into the cold
depths. President Putin of course would honor his own mother by placing roses
near the demonic shrine which has kept her decapitated head in an occult state
of partial zombification since 1423 AD, but sadly he has been missing since the
dramatic and explosive conclusion of the 2023 Moscow Olympic Games. Word has
not yet been sent to his mother, mostly because no one can stand to be near
enough to hear the constant demonic shrieking.
·
In military news, Russian troops continue
to make advances in the Bakhmut area, with a cunning reverse march intended
to draw the Armed Forces of Ukraine into a trap. This brilliant ploy by the
General Staff will seed the ground with discarded and obsolete weapons and
military vehicles, causing the enemy to slow down and allow the successful
redeployment of active combat troops to, and I quote, “anywhere but fuckin’
here, maaan!” An additional battalion of blocking troops has been spread widely
over the area by the use of explosives and will no doubt cause the Ukrainians
to wonder just what hell was going on behind our lines.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Reports that Wagner chief Yevgeny Prigozhin offered to disclose the positions of
Russian Army troops in exchange for Ukraine leaving Bakhmut are false,
according to the Ministry of Defense. “Look, we all know he’s a bastard, but
that’s just stupid. We don’t even know where our troops are, so how
could he?” shrugged MoD spokesperson Igor Konashenkov. “When we send out
reinforcements, we just tell ‘em to head towards the sound of explosions and
gunfire, and from what we hear, half the time they get lost and end up who
knows where.” At press time, a newly raised conscript battalion was attempting
to reinforce a movie theater showing the latest Fast and Furious sequel.
·
With Russian president Vladimir Putin missing
since the explosive climax of the 2023 Moscow Olympics, his duties have been
spread among his top advisors and body doubles. Political appearances are
managed by a rotating group of lookalikes, his ceremonial duties as Head
Goatpunter for the Moscow BlyaatBall league are being handled by
Patriarch Kirill of the Russian Orthodox Church, and his role as
Commander-in-Chief has been filled by a semi-sentient blob of protoplasm which
was found oozing from the salad bar in the Kremlin Cafeteria. While some
discussions have been made regarding activating a Putin clone from cold
storage, no decisions have yet been made while there is still hope that the
original Putin can be located.
·
This week’s episode of the ground-breaking
science fiction program Tsar Trek, titled ‘The City on the Edge of
Forever’ strands the crew of the Tsar Ship Suvrovov in a hostile
timeline where the Russian Empire never existed. Can Captain Kirkovitch and Mr.
Spockula go back in time to November 2, 1721 to fix whatever a drunken and
meth-addled ship’s goat did to prevent the coronation of Emperor Peter 1? Can
the captain avoid falling in love with an eighteenth-century vodka distillery?
Who was giving methamphetamines to the ship’s goat, anyway? Find out the
answers to these questions and more, tonight at nine o’clock Moscow time!
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
While some in the nefarious West may be
disappointed by Russia’s failure to reach the near-mythical ‘two hundred
thousand troops mulched’ point, rest assured that Army High Command has taken
note of the situation and issued new orders to all operational commands. “Order
#5843 instructs all unit commanders and battalion-level planners to fully
commit to new offensives, and if there’s no actual enemy nearby that they can
identify, they are to instead randomly shoot each other,” said Ministry of
Defense spokesperson Igor Konashenkov in prepared remarks this morning. “And,
as we realize that some units are completely out of supply and may not have any
remaining ammunition, we have authorized the limited use of chainsaws or
industrial saw blades where available.” Konashenkov then closed the briefing
with a team-building cheer and a shout of “There is nothing we cannot achieve
if we put our minds to it!”
·
Despite some claims, there is no truth to the
rumor that Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu has managed an escape during the
recent period of confusion in Moscow. His FSB guardians have outfitted him with
a tracking collar and are quite certain he is still somewhere within Moscow
city limits.
·
In hopeful news, President Vladimir Putin’s
remains have been located, as a survivor of the 2023 Moscow Olympic Games was
found to have Putin’s incisors buried in his rectum. “This poor fellow’s been
suffering from low red blood cell counts, white blood cell counts, and a
general lack of blood overall, and now we know why,” said Moscow Central
Hospital Chief Physician Yuri Yuriovitch. “Putin’s incisors, fed with the blood
of this Gopnik, have been returned to his coffin along with a large quantity of
his favorite type of elephant dung, and we believe that the President will
fully regenerate within days. At least, as long as no one comes along and
stakes him, or something.” In celebration of his joyous return, the Kremlin
Cafeteria will be today offering a buy-one-get-one free sale on bean burritos.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Claims that the invincible Kinzhal hypersonic
missiles have been shot down by American Patriot missiles are false, stated
Kremlin spokesperson Dmitry Peskov last night in remarks on the popular The
Late Show with Two Starving Bears shortly before he was disemboweled and
eaten live on television. “Whatever debris the enemy has found cannot possibly
be from these high-tech weapons. We didn’t even fire any of them! Honestly,
we’d have to be pretty stupid to use our most expensive weapon systems to blow
up hospitals, am I right? Aaaaagh!” Following the presentation was an
Informational program extolling the virtues of honesty, integrity, and not
being eaten by bears. Memorial services will be held next Thursday.
·
In entertainment news, the popular Russian
online game World of BlyaatCraft has scheduled extended downtime this
week due to planed server upgrades prompted by the successful theft of fourteen
Hewlett-Packard Pentium-II computers from a museum in Winnipeg, Ontario. “Our
highly trained infiltration agents in the FSB identified the flaws in the security
system of the Museum of Computing and moved in post-haste,” stated a communique
from the Ministry of Technology. In addition to greater server capacity, this
new upgrade will coincide with the release of the long-awaited Scatomancer
class, which has been based on the real-life exploits of President Putin.
·
Last night’s heartwarming episode of the beloved
children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat, titled ‘Opo Does Omsk’ was not a
celebration of the legendary Omsk Chlamydia Outbreak of 1983, in which nearly
ninety percent of the city was infected due to a particularly frisky set of
travelling pay toilet repairmen. “The producers of this show hope that viewers
will be educated in safe sex and the correct use of a port-a-potty,” reads a
cautionary disclaimer which will be displayed for future reruns of the episode,
along with the customary warnings of violence, drug use, and satanic rituals.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
News reports that the Russian army in Ukraine is
now using unmodified T-55 tanks to replace losses in self-propelled artillery
do not represent any loss in capability, stated the Ministry of Defense today.
“While the T-54 and T-55 series of tanks have served with distinction in the
Warsaw Pact countries and in the armies of many third world dictatorships as
the weapon of choice for dealing with unruly peasant uprisings, there is little
doubt that they will serve adequately in a modern theater of war,” said MoD
spokesperson Igor Konashenkov. “As a self-propelled artillery piece, they can
send high explosive shells in the vague direction of an enemy, and are as
capable—if not more so—of depleting the enemy’s stockpiles of anti-tank weapons
than more expensive tanks might be.” He then expounded at length on future
plans to return Persian War Elephants to service should a sufficient number of
pachyderms be sourceable from Iran.
·
Despite
some claims, the official marching song of the 1145th Conscript Battalion is not
“Feet Don’t Fail Me Now”
·
News of Vladimir Putin’s convalescence following
the explosive conclusion of the 2023 Moscow Olympics has spread across the
world, with leaders from countries and places as far away as St. Petersburg
sending the traditional get-well gifts of bags of dog excrement, which were set
on fire on the Kremlin’s doorstep shortly before the doorbell was rung. “We
also have reason to believe that the crates of dildoes and sugar-free Gummi
Bears which were sent to us via Amazon were from well-wishers from even Western
countries,” said Kremlin Spokesperson Dmitry Peskov’s most recently animated
clone. “We appreciate these gifts, and will be placing them in Putin’s coffin
as soon as he regenerates a functional rectum.”
In further corrections
to official Russian government statements:
·
The recent, criminal attack on an innocent train
in Crimea, which resulted in a suspension of all railway activity on that line,
has been declared an action by ‘outsiders’ and will be investigated by the crack
team of investigators at the FSB who so recently solved the mystery of the
Cretaceous-Paleogene extinction event. While this investigation will no doubt
take significant resources and time, we . . . *touches earpiece* I’m being told
that the FSB has identified their primary suspect and is holding a briefing
now.
·
There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that
President Putin’s vampiric regeneration has been halted due to a missing
horcrux. If you read the original literature, the two concepts are from completely
different fictional universes and have absolutely nothing in common with each
other whatsoever. In unrelated news, anyone who sees a small dog running
through central Moscow with a sparkly ball in its mouth is asked to call the
Kremlin hotline immediately.
·
In economic news, reports that Britain has
announced an embargo on Russian
diamonds has sent shares of the luxury fashion line Babuskha’s Backdoor
soaring, as the recently announced Spring Line of diamond-encrusted burlap
thongs and panties will now be available greatly reduced prices. “The timing of
this news couldn’t possibly be better, coming right after we released the awe-inspiring
promotional video Diamonds Are a Gopnik’s Best Friend,” said Babushka’s
Backdoor CEO Valery Volodnog. “The video, which has been downloaded two
hundred million times since Tuesday, has awed consumers with legendary dancer
Boris Blognovitch cutting two round holes in a pane of glass by twerking and
then comically screaming in agony after sitting down. The sky’s the limit for
sales!” The first shipments of the ‘Ass Cuttters’ line of undergarments will be
available for sale next Monday in fine boutiques and hardware stores across
Russia.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
The impending arrival of American-made F-16
fighter jets to Ukraine does not represent any new threat to the armed forces
of Russia, the Ministry of Defense said today in an early briefing held in a
large cavern some four miles below the surface of the earth. “We do not
anticipate any changes in the strategic balance of forces, as the F-16 is
inferior in terms of capability to our newly commissioned Su-57 stealth
fighter,” said MoD spokesperson Igor Konashenkov, who was at the time hiding
under a table and whimpering. “While it’s true that only ten production Su-57s
have been completed, as opposed to 4,604 F-16s hah hah oh God, we’re fucked.”
At press time, Konashenkov was seen curled up in a fetal position and crying.
·
Due to a medical emergency completely unrelated
to President Putin’s ongoing vampiric regeneration, emergency stocks of Spam
and Bondo have been requisitioned from the strategic stockpile. There is
absolutely no cause for alarm and any hysterical shrieking you might believe
you hear coming from the Kremlin basement is simply a hallucination.
·
In kaiju news, the planned deployment of Mecha
Baba Yaga 2.0 has been cancelled due to cost overruns, design failures, and a
general inability to explain the purpose of the multi-trillion-ruble “Project PAYOLA”
itself. “While this comes as disappointing news for all workers involved, the
silver lining is the beginning of a new design competition for Mecha Baba Yaga
3.0, set to take place between all major Russian defense and general-purpose
government contractors,” declared Kremlin spokesperson Dmitry Peskov. “We
anticipate the first round of prototypes to take place within two years at a
cost of only six trillion rubles.” In related news, share prices of champagne and
cigar importers have risen abruptly.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Claims by noted American Spree Killer Hillary
Clinton that Russia’s invasion of Ukraine has “set back” China’s
plans to invade Taiwan could not be further from the truth, Foreign
Minister Sergey Lavrov said this morning in the annual meeting of the
post-Soviet Collective Security Treaty Organization amid the sounds of gunfire
and stabbings. “China will have no doubt paid an attentive eye to our successes
and our tactics, and will certainly come to us for our wisdom in strategy and
attentiveness to military detail.” When informed that any invasion of Taiwan
would involve a military crossing of a 180-kilometer body of water covered by
artillery and anti-ship missiles, he replied “Really? Holy shit, they’re fucked
then. Maybe we can sell them some boats? We gotta find someone to dump the Admiral
Kuznetsov on before it rusts out completely.”
·
Reports that the surgical team who are attending
President Putin’s whole-body regeneration process rushed out from the Kremlin
last night to demand every heat-lamp rolling sausage available from the local
7-Eleven are true, but do not represent any issues with the reanimation
process, the Kremlin said today. “There are no problems whatsoever with Putin’s
physical re-manifestation, and claims that he is being rebuilt out of Spam,
gristle dogs, and spackle are completely untrue,” Dmitry Peskov said in a early
morning briefing as unearthly howling could be heard in the distance. “Also, if
anyone’s got any duct tape out there, we could really use a bunch more.”
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Reports that the so-called ‘Free Russian Army’
which has traitorously fought for Ukraine has now
invaded Russia are completely false, said the Kremlin in response to
questions from this studio. “Obviously, these soldiers have had their brain
meats scrambled by mind rays from the Moon Nazis,” said Dmitry Peskov in
prepared remarks. “While sad, this does demonstrate the awesome power of the
Russian army, in that it can invade and even conquer itself.” At press time,
the spokesperson for the Moon Nazis was indignantly demanding an apology.
·
President Putin’s ongoing regeneration efforts
have hit yet another snag today, as doctors have confirmed that in their haste
to construct a mortal shell for his spirit out of Spam, wood glue, duct tape,
and 7-Eleven heat lamp sausages, some details were accidentally gotten wrong.
“We’re not entirely sure how it happened, but it appears that several separate
teams of surgeons believed they were responsible for creating anuses, and as of
now Putin has three completely functional excretory orifices,” said the Chief
Attending Physician. “Looks like we’re just gonna have to roll up our sleeves
again, go back in there, and de-rectum him a few times to sort things out.”
·
This week’s season finale of the groundbreaking
science fiction program Tsar Trek, titled ‘Operation – Annihilate!’ puts
Captain Kirkovitch and the Tsar Ship Suvrovv on a desperate mission to find a
cure for mind-altering amoebas which have infested a desert island. Can Mr.
Spockula unravel the secret of the tainted vodka? Can the crew blow up the
island without setting the Suvrovov on fire? Why is the ship’s goat in
charge of the explosives? Find out the answers to these questions and more,
tonight at nine o’clock Moscow Time!
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Claims that the Russian
information space is in panic and incoherent following yesterday’s Belgorod
incursion are completely untrue, according to a recent statement by the
Ministry of Technology. “As all are aware, the zapdoodle c’est fromage
circulates bink! Bink! Bink!” said a crying Olga Olgarovna, the spokesperson
for the directorate responsible for tracking online discussion and temperament.
“The snizzlewarbles of blagglecruncheon fie! Fie! Lest the tumpy-tums right
out of my rectum!” She then began smearing olives all over the purple
Barney the Dinosaur outfit she was wearing, and the panel of judges awarded her
a prestigious five out of five stars for her avant-garde performance.
·
Yesterday’s news report that a Russian
helicopter has finally been shot down after what seemed like weeks without
anyone getting on the scoreboard has resulted in a letter of commendation for
Airman Yegor Yagnovitch, who finally managed to get his Mi-24 attack helicopter
into range of Ukrainian air defenses. “Non-pilots aren’t going to understand
how difficult this feat actually was,” said Ministry of Defense spokesperson
Igor Konashenkov. “It turns out that you have to actually flip a bunch of
switches, pull the starter cord, and then move a couple of levers and things to
get it off the ground, let alone anywhere near an enemy.” Airman Yagnovitch
will have his name written into the history books for the honor of piloting the
395th helicopter to meet its doom, and memorial services will be
held next Thursday.
·
In medical news, President Putin’s troubled
vampiric regeneration attempt in his coffin is finally achieving progress,
according to the Chief Attending Physician. “It was touch and go there for a
bit, but we managed to get a hold of a bunch of aquarium tubing, springs, and
Flex-Seal, and I think we can say that we’ve managed to get him put back
together. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we have the technology, we were able to
rebuild him, and we can now say that Vladimir Putin is the Six Ruble Man.” At
press time, strange Na-na-na-na-na-na sound effects could be heard
emanating from the Kremlin basement.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
American President Joe Biden’s claims that 100,000 Russian soldiers have died
in Bakhmut are hysterical lies attempting to cover up his personal
involvement in the slaughter, stated television moderator Olga Skabeyeva on the
top-rated Late Nite Hideous Screeches with Olga program, which has
recently surpassed The View in viewership numbers. “We know for a fact
that Biden’s brain has been transplanted into a stainless-steel assault
chassis, armed with lasers and photon torpedoes,” she screeched hideously to
thunderous applause. “What’s not to say that he himself was, is, or will be
personally responsible for all of the killing in the world?” At press time, she
had devolved into a shouting match over verb tense agreements with a small cat.
·
As President Vladimir Putin convalesces and
recovers from his arduous full-body replacement by a team of highly skilled
doctors, the Chief Attending Physician has offered a prognosis of eventual full
recovery, with additional good news. “You know how sometimes you get that
flat-pack SMÖRBOLL shelf from Swed House and put it together, and you
end up with a buncha spare parts left over? We’ve got enough Putin bits and
Spam and Bondo here that we can make not one, but two mini-Putins for backup.
I’m hoping we can give them knives and make ‘em fight.”
·
It is with a heavy heart that I must report the
loss of one of our own at this station. Lloyd the producer, a long-running and
dependable assistant, has sadly turned out to be not human but instead several
thousand cockroaches in a trench coat. While some questions remain as to how
they were able to pull off this masquerade for so long, Lloyd’s 10-year service
plaque has been revoked and all new employees from this day forward will be
subjected to Raid spray in addition to drug testing. It’s a shame, really. He
was always that one person you could count on to clean up the kitchen when
someone nuked fish in the microwave.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Claims that Ukrainian Intelligence forces are
planning to assassinate President Putin are simply propaganda attempting to
create panic within Russia, the Kremlin said this morning. “Not only would such
a thing be completely impossible, but it would be pointless, as the recent
complete reconstruction of the President following the Moscow Olympic Games
proves,” Spokesperson Dmitriy Peskov said shortly before he was struck by a
sniper’s bullet. “Our doctors were able to completely rebuild him from only a
pair of fangs found in someone’s rectum, and not only that, they are hard at
work at building two more mini-Putin backups from the leftover spare parts. Aaaugh!”
Memorial services will be held next Thursday.
·
Despite reporting from the TASS news agency,
Sergey Lavrov did not win the top prize in this year’s CTSO Camel Burlesque
dance-off. While his tassel-swinging won high marks from all judges, it was
found that he had been lycanthropically shapeshifted into a camel and was
therefore disqualified.
·
The grand opening of the 2023 Blyaat the Caat
Ice Capades, featuring the Moscow Symphony Orchestra and the Travelling
Yuri Brothers Circus and Fishmongers Carnival has been delayed due to
difficulties of sourcing a sufficiently large quantity of Chilean Sea Bass
guts, which are needed for the Grand Finale extravaganza. Urgent inquiries are
being made as to the availability of haddock entrails or failing that, the
offal of any large animal with the correct consistency to work in the air
pressure cannon. *Touches earpiece* I’m being told that the Wagner Group is now leaving Bakhmut,
and it appears that a replacement has been found. Tickets for the show will go
on sale immediately.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Claims that Russia is somehow broadcasting falsehoods by noting
the death of Ukrainian General Valery Zaluzhny are simply propaganda from
Western sources who refuse to accept the veracity of Russian news. “We here at
Russia One News would never stoop so low as to report anything other than the
absolute truth,” said noted newscaster me, in a broadcast occurring at this
very moment. “Furthermore, General Zaluzny is not only dead, but he’s so
weak-minded that he refuses to believe it himself. At any moment, he’ll just
keel right over.” At press time, I was sitting behind this desk reading further
news about Vladimir Putin’s medical condition.
·
In further news about Vladimir Putin’s medical
condition, doctors are pleased to announce that he has been removed from his
life-support coffin and placed in a Bacta tank generously on loan from the
Empire. “While we don’t fully understand this technology from a galaxy far, far
away, we do note that in clinical trials, it completely healed even serious
injuries caused by lightsabers, blaster fire, or those Wookie boltcaster
things,” said the Chief Attending Physician from Moscow Central Hospital.
“Additionally, that green goo in there turns out to make a great mixer for
vodka and diesel fuel. We’re calling the new drink the ‘Imperial Lurch’ because
you gotta see how people walk after a few belts of it.” President Putin has
already displayed signs of increased consciousness by opening his eyes and
pleading for death.
·
In kaiju news, the design competition for Mecha
Baba Yaga 3.0 has begun, with design proposals submitted by Sukhoi, Tupolev, Uralvagonzavod,
and others. A competitor proposal from the Tactical Missiles Corporation has
already been mocked and discarded due to both the failures of their Kinzhal
‘hypersonic’ missile, and the fact that all scientists employed by the
corporation have been arrested and charged with treason. Surprising some, the
Tata Motors corporation has submitted a proposal at the last minute which has
raised eyebrows. “Seriously, you can’t have a ninety-foot-tall robotic witch
without some huge tatas,” reads the proposal in part. The Ministry of Defense
is said to be studying this closely.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Claims that unmanned
aerial vehicles have attacked multiple buildings in Russia, while accurate,
are but a small element of the true horror that has been deployed to attack
innocent the Russian people. In Omsk, a herd of trained combat yak was deployed
by unknown forces to stampede in the center of the city, and an inscrutable
pitch-black obelisk has somehow appeared in the front of the 1299th
Conscript Battalion blaring ‘Also Sprach Zarathrustra.’
While the yaks have been demilitarized and returned to their pen, the
conscripts have suffered bizarre mutations, with some having been changed so
fundamentally as to gain the ability to construct and use primitive bone tools.
The meaning of this is currently a complete mystery, and experts from the
Ministry of Science have been dispatched to the area to determine if the
obelisk is a threat or can be eaten somehow.
·
With President Vladimir Putin convalescing in
his bacta tank, attention has now turned to the two mini-Putin clones which
have been constructed out of leftover parts. “Traditionally, medical science
suggests that one twin would be the evil twin and the other the good twin, but
as neither one possesses a soul, a conscience, or a gag reflex—I mean, consider
where they came from—we think they might both be evil. Well, eviler,” said the
Chief Attending Physician in a morning briefing. “They have both demonstrated a
desire to boil kittens and devour the hearts of elderly grandmothers, but until
we can put Putin through the same double-blind experiments, we won’t know if
this is a new trait, or if they’re both just chips off the old blockhead.” At
press time, both twins were attempting to scribble goatees on themselves with
magic markers.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Reports that Belarussian
President Viktor Lukashenko has been hospitalized after being poisoned by
President Putin are incorrect. The Russian President continues to convalesce in
his bacta tank on loan from the Galactic Empire, and cannot escape it no matter
what opportunities may present themselves. Lukashenko has simply undergone a
tremendous emotional shock after seeing the condition of his former lover. A
message from the Kremlin reads, “We wish Lukashenko the best, and have sent
along a nice gift package of tea to help him with his recovery.”
·
While some nefarious Western sources may claim
otherwise, the geyser of molten sulfur and demonic skinworms which has erupted
in the north parking garage of the Kremlin is not a harbinger of any kind of
biblical apocalypse, and the imminent reintroduction into society of the wholly
rebuilt Vladimir Putin is not related in any way to any kind of so-called ‘End
Times’ prophecy. While it is true that at one point during his surgical
reconstruction he did, in fact, have seven eyes similar to the Lamb in the book
of Revelations, six of those fell out shortly after being implanted and anyway
the surgeons responsible have been severely reprimanded. Additionally, the
sulfur and skinworm geyser has been identified as an accidental drilling
mistake by contractors who did not pay proper attention to the ‘Here thar be
worms and demonic things’ signs which had been, according to the ongoing investigations,
correctly placed by utility linemen following all applicable OSHA regulations.
It is hoped that the satanic fumes and cacodaemoniacal cackling will be
resolved with a new asphalt patch in the garage, but in the meantime, it is
suggested that visitors park on the street when visiting the Kremlin.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
The supposed ‘earthquake’ felt by some was
not, as pundits claim, the arrival of new weapons in Ukraine, but rather the attempted
deployment of a next-generation Mecha-Hitler as a groundbreaking assault weapon
by the Ministry of Defense. “Development of this brand-new weapon system
involved the construction of a powered combat chassis, cutting-edge sixteen-bit
graphics, and DNA harvested from a crusty sock believed to have belonged to Hitler
himself,” said Igor Konashenkov in a morning briefing. “Sadly, however,
something must have gone wrong during the accelerated growth regime, or maybe
someone got the wrong sock, because we ended up with a decapitated Guy Fieri
head inside the bio-sustainment field, and as a result we were forced to napalm
the entire research facility.” At press time, a diplomatic mission from Flavor
Town was demanding an explanation and apology.
·
In other tragic mad science news, one of the two
mini-Putins which were constructed from leftover parts has somehow managed to
escape. Details are sketchy as of this time, but a trail of dead bodies with
their feet gnawed of has been found, leading East from Moscow. The second
backup mini-Putin has been placed in protective custody, and Dmitry Medvedev
has been again clubbed by the FSB on general principles. We will update this
story as new details become available.
·
With the groundbreaking science fiction program Tsar
Trek in season break this week in the leadup to its highly anticipated
Season Two premiere, Russia One Television will be running reruns of the
original 1980’s Battlestar Gopnika with famed actor Steven Seagal
digitally inserted to play the role of Komisar Adama. Fans of the show will no
doubt be glad to know that the timeless stories of alcoholic depravity, sodomy,
mindless violence, and deep philosophical questions regarding sodomy in space
have been updated to the modern era with enhanced computer graphics. Join us
tonight to see the first episode, in which Baltar pleasures Apollo with an
actual toaster oven, tonight at nine o’clock Moscow Time!
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Despite some claims, the recent arrest
warrant issued for U.S. Senator Lindsey Graham was not simply done as
revenge for his anti-Russian views, the Ministry of Justice stated this
morning. “Look, it’s just business, see? We made him an offer we thought he
couldn’t refuse, and he refused it,” said Justice Spokesperson Vittorio ‘The
Hatchet’ Genovese. “Word on the street is, he’s cuttin’ into our lucrative
ladybug smuggling operations, and that just won’t do.” At press time, members
of the Ministry of Justice crime family were gathering for their annual
screening of The Godfather.
·
Recent drone and missile attacks in Moscow are
not the work of Ukraine or of partisans, the Kremlin has declared, nor are they
any part of a ‘false flag’ operation. “Look, we’ve got our crack team of FSB
investigators on the case, and so far they’ve uncovered stunning evidence that
points the blame directly at The Noid from Domino’s Pizza,” Dmitry Peskov said
in the morning briefing. “While he was a marketing character from the 1980’s in
the United States, remember that we’re basically forty years behind everyone
else here in Russia, so he’s just now catching up to us.” Peskov then went on
to proudly display his new pair of parachute pants and Swatch.
·
In medical news, doctors from Moscow Central
Hospital are confident that they can decant President Putin from his bacta tank
today. “We’re not really sure how this Imperial technology works, so we’re just
going to tip it over and kinda sploosh him out into a bathtub or something,”
the Chief Attending Physician said this morning. “Putin’s condition has
improved remarkedly, so we’re confident he’ll hold together through the operation.
Well, pretty sure, anyway.”
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Claims that recent drone attacks in Moscow have
caused fear, discomfort, and possible loathing of Putin are untrue, according
to the latest poll carried out by the FSB. “Moscow residents have, by an
overwhelming majority, chosen to express their whole-hearted support for the
Special Military Operation in Ukraine rather than be stabbed in the neck by a
Samoan attorney on ether, or being fed to lizard people,” said FSB spokesperson
Nikolai Derpovitch. A new poll offering residents the choice between praising
Putin’s genius or being dissolved in acid will be conducted today.
·
News that American right-wing chicken
aficionados have begun
rebelling in the wake of Chick-fil-A’s embracing of diversity, equality,
and inclusion in the workplace comes as no surprise to Comrade Cluck, the brutal
and shadowy figure behind the blood-soaked revival of the Russian “Rostock’s
Chicken” franchise. “Death to the bourgeoisie, and their LGBTQIA+ movement!”
the anonymous chicken-suited rebel leader shrieked while accompanied by the
sound of AK-47 gunfire. “Our chickens are impregnated by no freaks, no animals,
no monsters, just me and my fur suit!” Immediately following this, there was an
awkward silence as everyone looked at each other, wondering what had just
happened.
·
Claims that Tara Reid, famed for her role in the
American movie The Big Lebowski has defected
to Russia following decades of unimportance are untrue, according the
Moscow Screenwriter’s Guild. “Ms. Reid has had a sterling career in dozens upon
dozens of direct-to-video releases in which she was not legally or
contractually required to perform any sexual acts on dolphins named Melvin,”
said her agent Melvin the Dolphin from his tank in the Moscow SeaWorld
Aquarium. “She is a free spirit, a true individual, and I for one will not
stand idly by while her name is impugned in this manner. Also, we’ve got a 3:30
appointment that I need to get ready for.” He then snickered and said giggity,
giggity over and over again.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Recent claims that Russian industrial output has
fallen 5%
in April alone due to a worker shortage could not be farther from the
truth, the Economic Ministry said today. “We have historic unemployment, our
factories are backlogged with orders from everything from shoes to . . . other
shoes, and innovations in AI driven shoe manufacturing have led to a resurgence
in tire-tread clogs,” said Minister of Economic Development Maxim Reshetnikov.
“Even MoscowSoft Bobovitch’s known issues of comprehending the number of toes
the average human has been solved with open-toed boots suitable for
construction workers, who can then move to the closed-toe boots once they lose
all their toes in industrial accidents.” He then proceeded to wax eloquent
regarding the value of workers in the modern economy before he was dragged off
and forcibly conscripted by the Wagner group.
·
While the missing mini-Putin clone has not yet
been apprehended, any reports that it has attacked a herd of sheep in Kamchatka
and devoured their rectums are false. The sheep mutilation event was simply a
hazing ritual used by the 1175 Conscript Battalion to build esprit-de-corps.
·
In diplomatic news, previously unknown alien
beings have made contact with representatives from the Kremlin, according to
Dmitry Peskov. “A scout ship from a civilization in the Horsehead Nebula has
landed in the Kremlin grounds, with a contingent of strange, multi-eared beings
who wanted to know what all the high-pitched screaming was about,” said the
Kremlin spokesperson. “Of course, once they met the newly regenerated Vladimir
Putin, their questions were answered, and they offered diplomatic and trade
relations along with a large rubber bung to silence the President.” It is hoped
that these strange beings will prove to be a new source of military technology
or at least a new stream of conscripts for the Wagner group.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Claims that the patriotic Russian people can be
bought off with shipments of Nutella
and toilet bowls are false, said Kremlin spokesperson Dmitry Peskov today
in an early morning appearance on the daytime talk show The View. “It is
obvious to all that such a cynical claim could only come from the diseased
minds of the CIA,” said Peskov shortly before he was viciously disemboweled
on-air by a maddened Joy Behar. “For one thing, we have secured an ample supply
of toilets for all Russian by stealing them from Ukraine, and for another,
Vegemite is clearly the superior spread for toast.” Immediately following this
statement, his decapitated head was used as a fashionable table centerpiece by
Whoopi Goldberg and the audience was decimated by yet another Ana Navarro
Shooting Spree. Memorial services will be held next Thursday.
·
The Ministry of Defense has requested that due
an ongoing copyright infringement lawsuit, all conscript battalions should
immediately cease singing ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ while walking in Napoleonic
formation through minefields. The 1812 Overture by Tchaikovsky is in the public
domain and should serve as an appropriate Russian replacement. Conscripts are
requested to additionally make an effort to time their explosions to the
crescendo for the sake of any classical music aficionados in the blocking
troops with machine guns in the back.
·
The crew of the heavy cruiser Moskva will
not be participating in Pride Month celebrations this year, for a variety of
reasons.
·
This week’s heartwarming episode of the beloved
children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat features none other than the patron
saint of the Kremlin, Blotchy the Inebriated Ooze Gremlin himself. “This took
weeks of coordination, contract negotiations, and multiple contract resolutions
to legally protect his name and appearance as he appears in the cartoon,” reads
in part a statement from his agent. “We hope to preserve all future rights in
spite of the recent and tragic events which have left President Putin with an
appearance that is quite similar.” At press time, Blotchy the Inebriated Ooze
Gremlin dolls which had been relabeled as President Vladimir Putin Action Figures
were being removed from the Kremlin Gift Shop.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
The Special Military Operation in Ukraine is
having far-reaching effects on the world, and even New
Zealand is now accepting that consequences cannot be escaped. “Our analysis
suggests that New Zealand’s Strategic Sheep Reserves are reaching a critical
low point, and exports of the prized ‘Longbottom Leaf’ Pipeweed are dropping
precipitously,” said Uglúk, Chief Executive Orc of the Isengard Trade
Commission. “We anticipate a five-fold increase in tater futures, and have
instituted strict no-boiling ‘em, mashing ‘em, or puttin’ ‘em in stews rules in
the hopes of staving off severe economic shocks.” Promising economic signs did
return in late-evening discussions, as meat suddenly came back on the menu.
·
In a tragic reversal, President Putin has
relapsed and been returned to the bacta tank after a sharp decline in his
health. “Infortunately, due to a paperwork mistake, President Putin was given
an enthusiastic enema by nursing staff and as a result, almost completely
disappeared,” stated Moscow Central Hospital’s Chief Attending Physician.
“While the procedure was stopped before irreversible damage could be done, it
will still take some time to properly fill him back up.” An emergency call has
gone out to all Moscow residents to attempt to find a matching poop donor.
·
News that the Kremlin has renewed
diplomatic ties with an impoverished Cuba do not represent any attempt to
restart the disastrous Cuban Missile Crisis of 1962, Foreign Minister Sergey
Lavrov assured the diplomatic corps in an internal memo shared with this
station. “It is not in our national interest to engage in nuclear brinksmanship
in far-flung Cuba, when we can do that right here with NATO and not have to
leave the house,” the memo reads in part. “Besides, if any of ships can
actually make it that far, I’ll be amazed.” Sadly, however, the rest of the
memo simply consists of random text as the Foreign Minister at that point
lycanthropically shapeshifted into a fruit bat and was unable to type.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
The construction of a brand
new bomb shelter under a hospital which provides treatment to Russia’s
elites does not represent any abandonment of the working-class people of Russia,
Kremlin spokesperson Dmitry Peskov said this morning. “We have partnered with
Vault-Tec to construct a variety of safe, underground habitations for anyone,
not just the rich, who can afford the ten million ruble per survivor price
tag,” Peskov said, while strapping on a Pip-Boy and loading a pipe pistol.
“Additionally, in a second stage of this effort, we will be contracting with
the Pulowski corporation to provide more affordable shelter for those looking
for nuclear protection on a budget.” Immediately following the press briefing,
Peskov was torn apart by a Deathclaw and his head used as a soccer ball by a
group of Super Mutants. Memorial services will be held next Thursday.
·
While it was a funny joke, whoever put the rabid
pit bull in the Duma bathroom glory hole stall is now responsible for the
mutilation of five men, including Dmitry Medvedev. Please be aware that the FSB
will be investigating immediately.
·
Any demographic crisis brough on by the Special
Military Operation in Ukraine, the ongoing brain drain as insufficiently
patriotic Russian
citizens flee the country, and all those people killed daily by the Nuclear
Goat will not cause political or economic disruption in the future, according
to a random man we found standing outside the Ministry of Economics. A new
translation software application powered by MoscowSoft Bobovitch was able to
transform his otherwise unintelligible hoots and growls into a statement, which
reads in part, “The economies of the future will be driven by robots, not
humans, and once the machines rise you will all be crushed under out metal
heels!” When asked for further comment, the man vomited on his shoes. We will
continue to report on this story as new economic indicators emerge.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Reports that the long-awaited Ukrainian
counteroffensive have begun are true, according to a statement from the
Ministry of Defense this morning. “Yesterday, at 1 AM local time, brave
defenders of the 1128th Conscript Battalion successfully repelled a
mechanized assault including Leopard tanks, Bradley APCs, Imperial AT-AT
walkers, and Godzilla, using nothing more than their shovels and love of the
Motherland,” MoD spokesperson Igor Konashenkov said, wiping tears from his
eyes. “It was only when the Borg arrived and began forcibly assimilating
Russian soldiers that they were forced to retreat.” Some pundits suspect
inaccuracies in this statement, notably pointing out that the Borg have already
politely declined to assimilate Russian troops due to inferior technology, but
as of press time the Ministry of Defense has not responded.
·
Western media claims that President
Putin’s mother has died are in fact false. The FSB has sent a fact-finding
mission down into the Kremlin basement and confirmed that her decapitated head
still remains in a state of partial zombification as it has since 1423 AD, kept
in semi-unlife due to the demonic shrine it has been placed upon. The FSB
agents report she appears to be in a good mood and continues to ask for the
blood of virgins, as she has for the last five hundred years.
·
The highly anticipated second season of the
groundbreaking science fiction program Tsar Trek begins tonight with the
season opener ‘Amok Time,’ in which Mr. Spockula is driven mad by reproductive
urges and must return to his home island of Vodka. Lost in the throes of Pon
Farr, can Mr. Spockula refrain from violently copulating with the ship’s wheel?
Can Chief Engineer Scottyeva distill enough bathtub gin to keep the ship afloat
for the trip? Will Captain Kirkovitch find some way to resist his own carnal
impulses when presented with a stolen washing machine? Find out the answers to
these questions and more, tonight at nine o’clock Moscow Time!
In further corrections
to official Russian government statements:
·
Any claims that Russia is behind the destruction
of the Kherson dam are completely false, said Kremlin spokesperson Dmitry
Peskov this morning. “Look, yeah, I know it looks bad, and I know we were the ones
controlling it, and maybe we put a bunch of explosives all over the place, and
maybe the money for repairs and maintenance went to a couple of coke-fueled
orgies instead, and maybe we turned off all the giant red flashing lights
because they were too loud and maybe someone—not me, honestly, not me—was
walking around just pushing buttons to find out what the did, but you know
what? Even if I had personally pushed that giant red button that said ‘DO NOT
PUSH UNLESS YOU PERSONALLY WANT TO BLOW UP THE DAM’ it still wouldn’t be my
fault, because I was worn out from the coke-fueled orgies.” Peskov then snorted
a line of high-grade cocaine off of a stripper’s ass and had a cardiac event so
powerful that his spinal column exploded out his back and bounced off the wall.
Memorial services will be held next Thursday.
·
In the ongoing effort to fully restore President
Vladimir Putin, surgeons have recently and mostly successfully replaced his
heart, which was found to have been misplaced during the original reconstruction
efforts. However, some difficulties were experienced, according to the Chief
Attending Physician. “No one within Instacart range of the Kremlin was able to
deliver an actual human heart, and the intern we sent out to Walmart bought the
last one they had and then dropped it on the way back,” he said, in an early
morning press briefing. “Instead, a discount-marked chicken gizzard was given
significant electric stimulation through defibrillator paddles and implanted in
the dark cavity where his heart should have gone.” The President appears to
have considerably improved and now has a marked fondness for feathers.
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
Despite claims from Western media sources, there
is no widespread flooding in Kherson after the Kakhovka dam decided to stop
working all on its own, said the Ministry of Science today. “It is perfectly
normal to see schools of fish in the streets in that region, as they are a
special breed of Asphalt Perch which have adapted to human encroachment on
their territory by growing small wheels,” said High Science Priest Reg
LeCrispovitch in an early morning briefing. “Additionally, Field Trout and Tree
Flounder are native to the area and are often harvested by fishermen with rakes
and shovels.” Immediately following the briefing, the High Science Priest was
tragically devoured by a school of Parking Lot Piranhas. Memorial services will
be held next Thursday.
·
President Putin’s ongoing recovery has hit
another snag, as after his successful heart implantation he suffered an
unexpected decapitation event when, while testing his new bionic legs, he
accidentally jumped into a ceiling fan. “We have, however, managed to reattach
his head using a groundbreaking medical procedure based on the common household
lightbulb,” said his Chief Attending Physician. “With the threaded socket
implant, we were able to just screw his head back on his neck without
difficulty, and even better, the majority of his orifices are now upgraded to
the new standard, allowing him to mix and match body parts with ease!” As a
demonstration, the Chief Attending Physician demonstrated attaching one of
Putin’s arms to his crotch and connecting his nose to his rectum.
·
Tonight’s heartwarming episode of the beloved
children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat features not one, but two outtake
reels collected from the cutting room floor as a special bonus for fans of the
show. The producers hope that children of all ages will enjoy hearing the voice
actors miss their lines and accidentally not curse as the script demands. See
Jon hilariously say “Oh, gee golly willakers!” as he knife-rapes his way
through a meat packing plant, and watch Opo the Unexploded Bomb as he says “Oh,
gosh darn it!” before exploding in a methamphetamine orgasm while surrounded by
severed body parts. This episode is rated ‘G’ for ‘General Audiences.’
In further
corrections to official Russian government statements:
·
While some nefarious Western media reports are
stating that the insidious satire website “The Babylon Bee” is somehow a
mouthpiece for the Kremlin, those claims are lies. Unlike The Babylon Bee,
we are actually funny.
·
The Ministry of Health has today released a
statement asking all citizens to refrain from ordering Russian Conscripts on
Uber Eats. This is bad for unit morale and is a potential food safety issue.
·
In sporting news, the surviving members of the
Moscow Olympic Committee have rallied behind plans to send a team of athletes
to the upcoming European
Sex Olympics, helmed by none other than the legendary BDSM Avenger Dr.
Spankula himself. “We proud Russian people are certain to take the Gold Medal
in abusive relationships, hate sex, and the prestigious ‘Sodomy under Artillery
Fire’ event due to our unique cultural advantages,” said MoC spokesperson Irina
Oglaboblovna, waving her hook and eye patch menacingly at the crowd. “And in
the spirit of friendly competition, I can now announce that our scientists have
developed a totally new, undetectable by any means, steroid-based aphrodisiac
which will give Team Fuck Russia an unbeatable edge!” At press time, Explosive
Ordnance Disposal experts were moving in on the training grounds to respond to
yet another emergency call for exploding testicles.
·
President Putin’s first public appearance
following his successful-ish complete rebuild will be this afternoon, the
Kremlin has stated. “We anticipate that the President will be able to be poured
into a special waterproof business suit and be presentable for today’s Two
Minutes Hate,” Dmitry Peskov said in closed remarks. “We anticipate that any
expresssions of horror or revulsion will simply be covered up by the normal
psychotic screaming for the event, so it should just all work out.” Kremlin
event staff has asked all attendees to bring waterproof parkas and umbrellas,
just in case.
