In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

Current News

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

·         Russian forces have not shot down the Death Star.

·         Star Trek Discovery was not an FSB false flag operation, no matter what you might think about Chakotay.

·         While he is surrounded by violent and repugnant mutants, Vladimir Putin is not The Master.

·         There have been no reputable sightings of a Russian submarine on the moon.

·         Vladimir Putin is not known to possess multiple penises which can articulate and hold assault rifles. This is not how penises work.

·         The explosions in the last fourteen Russian ammunition stockpiles cannot be explained by 'an excess of zeal'

·         The Soyuz rocket has slightly more upward thrust than an exploded T-72 turret.

·         The S-400 anti-aircraft system is absolutely capable of scanning the sky and detecting threats larger than the moon. The S-500 anti-aircraft system is expected to increase this system sensitivity to the point of being able to detect continents.

·         That fat Russian general in the news was not in fact a general. You know the guy I'm talking about. He has been put on a diet, and he has introduced plans to crush Ukraine once and for all. This will not involve him falling over.

·         The Kamov Ka-52 attack helicopter has been developed by Russian internal military industries to carry, in addition to its normal rocket artillery load, a deployable missile containing bacon grease which military specialists predict will encourage that previously mentioned Russian general into a massive, kaiju-style stomping attack on Ukrainian missile forces. While he may not have the agility to directly Godzilla-attack most Ukrainian HIMARS units he . . . crap, he fell over. Never mind. Skip this bullet point, Bylaaat someone get some lard

·         The russian ministry of propaganda has placed a fatwa against Garfield. Lasagna and mondays are outlawed. Instead, Russian children will be entertained by Blyaat the Caat and his friends, Unexploded Ordnance Opo and Jon, the hilariously intoxicated cab driver. Watch their hi jinks as they try to find things to ferment!

·         Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego has been outlawed by Putin's government. Instead, youngsters will enthrall themselves with where can I find potato and Can I eat tree bark?in tribute to glorious Best Korean government.  Never again shall our citizens go hungry when dirt is to be found!

·         The Russian army has not launched an attack on Ukraine's moon base in Mare Imbrium. Ukraine does not possess any bases on the moon at this time. Likewise, Russia does not have their claimed colony on Ceti Alpha V.

·         The Poseidon 'tsunami torpedo' which Russia claims to have developed does not run on dilithium crystals.

·         "Married with Children" was not a sitcom originally developed in Moscow and stolen by Al Bundy. Al Bundy is a fictional character played by Ed O'Neill.

·         There is no credible evidence that the FSB has infiltrated Disney World, and Donald Duck is a cartoon character not a spymaster.

·         The two hundred and eighteen Russian soldiers who had been guarding the ammunition dump in Nova Kakhovka when it was exploded have not been transferred to a farm upstate where they can run and play with the rabbits all day long.

·         Tang was not invented by Yuri Kalashnikov.

·         The 2022 Lada Niva is still produced by Russia, but it is not powered by nuclear fusion and it does not transform into a giant robot.

·         There is no credible evidence that Lizard People from the Hollow Earth are supplying Russia with combat capable flying saucers.

·         The Russian Ministry of Defense has not launched an experimental program to develop an orbital death ray satellite constructed from stolen Ukrainian washing machines.

·         CNN's Wolf Blitzer is not a deep-cover Spetznaz assassin waiting for the signal to strike, and he does not have venomous stingray barbs surgically implanted into his forearms.

·         Adidas track suits have not been weaponized for Russian shock troops.

·         Vladimir Putin did not compete in RuPaul's Drag Race 2020, and even if he did, he won with a 120% score from all judges. No questions will be allowed on this topic.

·         There is in fact a My Little Pony episode which deals with conflicts that could be construed as metaphorical for the Russian invasion of Ukraine, but it was not released to the public due to the 'Magical unicorn horn in the anus' issue which did not make it past censors.

·         Larry Fine, Moe Howard, and Curly Howard are not historical generals of note, regardless of how closely the Russian army is following their edicts. Additional note: "Woob woob woob" is not an encouraging battle cry to hearten soldiers.

·         The T-14 Armata Tank was not designed around a semi-sentient mass of goo which fell from space, and it does not have magical powers. Additionally, production of the T-14 Armata is significantly less than eleventy-squajillion tanks per minute.

·         Soldiers from the 141^st Motorized National Guard Brigade did not break into a spontaneous song and dance celebrating their love of turnip gruel rations.

·         Baba Yaga has not been announced as Donald Trump’s running mate.

·         Blyaat the Caat is a lighthearted children’s cartoon featuring a heroically inebriated taxi driver driving around Moscow with his pets, a constantly cursing feline and an unexploded bomb, and is not CIA propaganda. Probably.

·         The fast food chain “Vkusno-i Tochka” or “Tasty and That’s It” which replaced the American chain McDonald’s is not sponsoring a sweepstakes offering an all-expenses paid trip to the Vladivostok Museum of Tree Bark for anyone who finds horseshoes in their hamburgers. Those horseshoes are intended to be Happy Meal toys. Likewise, any human teeth found should be returned to the cashier.

·         Vladimir Putin has not renamed Thursday to “Bullet in Head Day.” This was a private joke between him and Sergei, his most trusted military adviser. Memorial services for Sergei will be held next Thursday.

·         Russian Cosmonauts have not made it to the International Space Station by riding on a T-72 turret.

·         Contrary to recent reports, the Glorious Revolutionary Forces of Russia did not accidently shoot down their own Su-34 over Ukraine. The target was correctly chosen as an enemy of the People of Russia, which includes any targets which Russian missiles choose to attack. Actual Russian air force pilots know to stay the fuck away from their own unreliable air defenses, so logically, this was Venusian swamp gas reflected by the light of Mars. Or something. No questions will be taken on this topic. Hey, what’s that over there?

·         There are currently no plans underway to launch a second Ukraine front from secret tunnels under Walmart.

·         Fox News’ Tucker Carlson cannot be credited with “Putting the GOP in gopnik.”

·         Yesterday’s “Very Special Episode” of the lighthearted children’s show Blyaat the Caat, in which the hilariously drunk cab driver Jon was send to the gulag for transporting a live bomb on Moscow streets along with his foul-mouthed cat, was not a coded message to The Resistance.

·         Vodka when drunk to excess is not a cure for dysentery, scurvy, radiation sickness, gunshot wounds, amputation, or lazy eye. This is also true for wood alcohol, gasoline, diesel, and water from the Chernobyl reactor cooling tanks.

·         Steak-Ums are not a cult in the USA. Additionally, visions of Wendy from the US hamburger chain Wendys are almost certainly not a sign of divine providence, and should not be taken as tactical or strategic military advice.

·         In spite of previous reporting, Russia is not losing the special military operation because Ukraine has experimental mutant troops created in secret biolabs. Those Ukrainian troops are not experimental and were simply forged out of the fires of righteous vengeance and fury. Russian attempts to create their own mutant bioengineered troops have only resulted in a horde of malformed Yakov Smirnov clones, which have overrun Petropavlovsk. Emergency services are responding.

·         Captain Crunch is not commanding a guided missile destroyer based out of the military port of Arkhangelsk, and Boo Berry cereal is not an effective anti-submarine defense.

·         Russian military rations manufactured under the ‘Synth-o-Borscht’ trademark, with the slogan ‘delicious, nutritious, and engineered to last’ are none of the above.

·         Gene Masseth is not the Deputy Commander of Russia’s Black Sea Fleet.

·         Russian cruise missile targeting systems are not built from discarded Commodore 64 computers. Those are reserved for the Soyuz capsules in the space program.

·         Vladimir Putin’s milkshake does not bring all the boys to the yard.

·         Yesterday’s episode of the heartwarming children’s show Blyaat the Caat, in which the hideously inebriated cab driver Jon screeched drunken racial slurs at an alien being from Proxima Centauri, was not intended to be commentary on the diplomatic skills of Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov.

·         The cruiser Moskva is not currently being repaired at the bottom of the Black Sea by an intrepid group of Cosmonauts who seek to launch it into space towards the planet Iskandar and end the threat posed by the Gamilons.

·         The high-tech Russian Krasukha-4 advanced electronic warfare system captured by Ukrainian forces and transported to Ramstein Air Base in Germany was not examined by CIA specialists and found to be filled with live eels.

·         Russia’s GRU, the Glavnoye Razvedyvatelnoye Upravlenie or Chief Intelligence Office of the Russian military, is filled with bungling and incompetent minions, but they are not as lovable as in the Universal Pictures series of animated comedies.

·         Christopher Walken has not signed on to play Razman Kadyrov in a Moscow play based on Peter Pan and set in Chechnya, and at any rate the play was cancelled when the ‘little green men’ set to play the Lost Boys were exploded by a Bayraktar drone. Memorial services will be held next Thursday.

·         Yesterday’s episode of the heartwarming children’s cartoon Blyaay the Caat, in which drunken can driver Jon and his foulmouthed cat derailed an ammunition train by cursing at it with a foul stream of gutter invective so coarse that it melted the railway tracks and set fire to the ties, was not a signal to The Resistance.

·         A quintet of Russian Babushkas cannot yell ‘By the power of Grayskull!’ and combine to form Voltron, because that would be mixing two different cartoon series and would not be even remotely canon. And even if they did, they’d end up being that shitty cars and trucks version, not the good Lions one, so that is not allowed even if the American Elon Musk is slowly transforming into a Robeast. No further questions will be allowed on this topic.

·         No matter what cousin Boris would have you believe, shutting off gas supplies to Western Europe is not the same thing as farting in the opposite direction.

·         Iguanas may be the natural enemies of the FSB, but there is no credible evidence that they have been weaponized by Klingons.

·         The submarine Kursk was not sunk due to a diabolical CIA operation involving espionage, treachery, and counterfeit Little Debbie Snake Cakes. Those cakes in question have been impounded and will be *burpinvestigated in due time.

·         Former White House spokesperson Sean Spicer was not a deep cover FSB agent. Jesus fucking Christ, people, even WE have some goddamned standards. Seriously, go back and look at the guy! There are recordings! This is all you, not us! What the fuck, people?

·         The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain, not on NATO headquarters as OANN has reported.

·         Reports that Russian soldiers are being sent to the front without adequate gear are incorrect, as recent documentary video reveals that each soldier recruited at Isengard is properly outfitted with a helmet, cast iron sword, and war paint in the shape of a white hand.

·         Troops will not be protected from HIMARS strikes by means of goat sacrifice. And by goat, we mean ‘Recruits named Ivan’ so the Ministry of Defense requests that you please stop nailing random conscripts to trees. This has been shown to be detrimental to unit morale.

·         The heartwarming children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat, featuring a blindingly drunken and racist cab driver named Jon and his pets, a foul-mouthed scabrous cat and an unexploded bomb with googly eyes, has sadly not been nominated for a Daytime Emmy Award for the thirty-first year running. Attempts at blackmailing the judges have been met with failure due to incompetence and corruption in the FSB. Hopes remain for next season.

·         The extensively damaged aircraft carrier Admiral Kuznetsov will be returned to combat operations as soon as possible, due to its value as both a strategic asset and a consumer of Russian coal. The shortage of carrier-trained naval aviators has been deemed unimportant, as high command has decided that it doesn’t really matter if they manage to land back on the carrier or not.

·         In spite of previous reporting, the Russian military has not destroyed four HIMARS, the Death Star, thirteen unicorns, the concept of romantic love, the color blue, or next week’s heartwarming episode of the children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat.

·         Vladimir Putin is not the “lost” sixth Spice Girl, Polonium Spice, as previously reported.

·         In the enduring words of Josef Stalin, “Quantity has a quality all of its own” and the Russian military high command has decided on a new crash program to actually have at least one of those two attributes.

·         “Javelin catching” is not an Olympic sport, and troops should not attempt to engage in this when they observe incoming rocket fire. Also, contrary to rumors, no medals for outstanding conduct are given to the recruits who can headbutt a switchblade drone.

·         The Moscow Ministry of Health would like all soldiers to know that fire should not be taken intravenously.

·         This week’s Grand Prize Winner of the Crimean Sweepstakes is Corporal Sergei Ivanovich of the 3^rd Spetsnaz Brigade, who has won a toaster oven, fifty rubles, and a brutal stabbing attack by a Ukrainian partisan. Memorial services for last week’s winner will be held next Thursday.

·         While the saying “Loose Lips Sink Ships” is true, the Russian Navy would like to remind all sailors that fire and explosions are also threats. Please stop making cooking fires in the magazines. Thank you.

·         Vladimir Putin has not been banned from World of Tanks. He maintains his 45% win rate by clubbing baby seals in his maxed-out Leichttraktor with gold shells.

·         “Weird Al” Yankovic will not be performing at next year’s May Day parade. Vanilla Ice’s former hairdresser, the actor who played Red Shirt Crewman #53 from Star Trek episode 14, and the Pets.Com sock puppet assistant understudy have similarly declined to appear, although Steven Seagal is reportedly lobbying for the part.

·         Yesterday’s Very Special Episode of the heartwarming children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat, in which the lovable and incoherent drunken rogue Jon blew up the Kremlin by dropping his pet unexploded bomb out of the back of his taxi, was not a message to The Resistance.

·         The early 2000’s report of an audio log of ‘screaming of damned souls in hell,’ supposedly recorded by a Russian oil rig drilling team who dug so far down as to have pierced the underworld itself, was in fact a recording of a Moscow Arby’s at the moment in which a vacationing Donald Trump demanded and was refused additional Horsey Sauce.

·         Putin and Lukashenko do not nightly re-enact the memorable “I’m KING OF THE WORLD” scene from Titanic by embracing at the head of Putin’s humongous conference table. This is a CIA lie even if it is a touching moment for both of them. Similarly, Lukashenko does not draw Putin like one of his French girls.

·         It is not possible to enter a wardrobe in Russian Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu’s dacha and escape to Narnia, although he has repeatedly tried.

·         The Russian Ministry of Culture’s offering to the Marvel Cinematic Universe, Krokodil Man, has not been accepted and the screenplay was sent back without comment.

·         The Russian chess robot accused of attacking and breaking the finger of a nine-year-old chess wizard was merely following its programming, which is based on the classic Russian values of strategic thought, honor for tradition, and the application of unspeakable violence to the helpless. The memorial service for the brave athletes who played against the Ping Pong robot In the St. Petersburg series will be held next Thursday.

·         The renowned actor Gerard Depardieu, who famously gave up his French passport in favor of Russian citizenship as a bid to avoid paying taxes, is not a black belt in Gymkata and on the security detail at the Kremlin. He may instead often be found guarding the breakfast buffet at the Hotel Metropol in Moscow.

·         Russia’s attempts at blockading grain from the world population are not intended to create an artificial famine with which to hold the world hostage. Russia is simply applying pressure to the west to get them to hand over the tricksey little hobbitses and the ring they carry instead of letting them toss it into the sewers of Moscow where it was forged.

·         Yesterday’s Very Special Episode of Blyaat the Caat in which the scabrous, cursing feline befriended an orphan boy, shot up krokodil, and then glassed a nun with a broken pint bottle, was intended to teach young children the dangers of drug abuse and was not a message to The Resistance.

·         Vladimir Putin does not have a TotalFark account. He in fact had, for many years, an OnlyFans account but he was forced to shut it down due to the volume of spam originating from American Senator Ted Cruz. The Information Technology Directorate of the Kremlin has been tasked with blocking Senator Cruz but so far no efforts have been able to stem the flow of weird goo that Kremlin scientists have identified as his, and I quote, “extradimensional creepiness.” A team of intrepid scientists have been dispatched to . . . oh. Oh, oh blyat. *background screamsAnyway, let’s move on. *flashing lights and sirensThis is not important. Let us move on. Next story! Next! *screams in the background*distant gunfire and explosions*

·         The crew of the heavy cruiser Moskva will not be celebrating Discovery Channel’s Shark Week this year.

·         Any similarities between Vladimir Putin and “Bat Boy” from the Weekly World News are purely superficial. Putin is not related to Florida Republican Rick Scott in any way.

·         Syrian President Bashir Assad is not available as a mail-order bride and anyway does not have a Star Fleet uniform. However, lookalikes of the adorable Doctor Mogwai from the Petropavlovsk television show Stare Treek Wars can be ordered for the nominal sum of five hundred rubles and the promise to never feed them after midnight or get them wet.

·         Reports that the FSB compromised techno-thriller writer Tom Clancy are completely false. While Agent 743 was able to spike his 7-11 Big Gulp of coffee with mind altering substances, this unfortunately only resulted in the plots of his last several novels and his attempts to buy the Minnesota Vikings.

·         In spite of previous reporting, ‘Havana Syndrome’ is the result of decades of research into low-band radio transmissions coupled with otherwise undetectable drugs and does not have anything to do with Lucy or Ricky Ricardo.

·         The Russian chess robot accused of attacking and breaking a nine-year-old boy’s finger has not escaped custody and is not roaming the countryside yelling “NO DISSASSEMBLE” at the top of its voice circuits. Emergency personnel are responding.

·         The Russian Ministry of Culture has elected to produce their own film in the vein of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, and the first offering will be ‘Krokodil Man’ detailing the rise of the caped avenger who is capable of bending space and time with the power of injectable automotive fluids.

·         In order to prevent any future CIA-backed color revolutions, all colors are banned from the Square Formerly Known as Red.

·         In spite of western propaganda, Vladimir Putin does not have bowel cancer. An unfortunate mistranslation from English of “The Lord of the Rings” convinced him that a Cock Ring of Power confers long life, and he suffered extensive electrical burns to his genitals. Memorial services for the translator will be held next Thursday.

·         The exceptionally violent chess robot which recently escaped custody has now identified itself as ‘Ivan Number Six’ and has been tracked to the remote Siberian town of Norilsk, where it performed a Sicilian Defense opening which resulted in the deaths of fourteen local inhabitants. The singer El DeBarge of “Who’s Johnny” fame has been preemptively arrested to avoid any further complications.

·         Rumors of a mass rout and retreat of Russian soldiers in the Kherson region are completely unfounded and at any rate are not the result of the sudden manifestation of a one-hundred-foot tall maniacally cackling Brian Blessed.

·         Jon, the depraved and drunken cab driver from the heartwarming children’s show Blyaat the Caat has not been appointed as Dmitry Medvedev’s successor in the Duma, due to the fact that Jon is a cartoon character who keeps a scabrous cat and an unexploded bomb as pets, and not due to any political misalignment between the parties. The search for a successor will progress, as Medvedev continues to demand to know what’s going on, why do they need a successor, what’s happening? Memorial services are planned for next Thursday.

·         Great White will not be playing at the Gorky Park amphitheater with Warrant and tATu as previously promised. While the singing duo tATu has reportedly reformed, it was decided that the dangers of filling a crowd with dirty old men and potentially setting them on fire with Great White’s pyrotechnics would hamper future Russian army recruitment efforts due to the demographic overlap.

·         Russian Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu has not escaped through a tunnel dug underneath his official dacha in a bid for freedom. This tunnel was found and filled in by loyal troops of the FSB.

·         The gold medal for long-distance turret riding has been won by Specialist First Class Ivan Igoravitch in his T-72B3. His family will receive their choice of five hundred rubles or a brand new Ukrainian washing machine. Congratulations!

·         Yesterday’s heartwarming episode of the beloved children’s show Blyaat the Caat, in which the monstrously drunk cab driver Jon and his cursing pet feline achieved Low Earth Orbit when he drove his cab onto the launch pad at Baikonur Cosmodrome during a Soyuz launch, was simply intended to demonstrate his loyal zeal at the idea of a new Russian space station and the dangers of drinking backyard kerosene. This was not a message to The Resistance.

·         Vladimir Putin was not, in his heyday, a member of the Village People and any video of him wearing nothing but a camouflage thong and a Red Army cap while dancing to ‘Macho Man’ on stage are simply CIA deepfakes.

·         Ivan Number Six, the extremely violent chess robot that escaped a tournament after attacking a small child, has not become ‘alive’ as some in the West claim even if it has covered itself in meat and skin taken from the Russian Army conscripts sent to track it down. Inquiries are now being made to find out why a chess robot was equipped with laser weapons and steel claws capable of shearing metal.

·         Regardless of previous reporting, it is technically incorrect to say that zombies from the disturbed and unholy ground at the Chernobyl nuclear accident have reanimated and are shambling towards Moscow. While scholars may disagree on the exact terminology to define the ambulatory dead, it is a matter of undisputed fact that they are converging on a location generally southeast of Moscow proper and will be dealt with by the authorities in that location. If you wish for a precautionary inoculation with the Zombrex! Vaccine, please register at your nearest army recruitment station and ignore those ‘this way to Ukraine’ signs. Thank you.

·         The ongoing search for generals to replace those lost in Ukraine has identified several possible candidates who demonstrate the skill, initiative, and forward-thinking that the post requires. Army recruitment has reached out to Sloth from The Goonies but so far has not received a response.

·         Moscow Center has heard numerous false reports that Ivan Number Six, the extraordinarily violent chess robot covered in human flesh in a bid to convince Western audiences that it is alive, has been playing the soundtrack to ‘Conan the Barbarian’ as it chops its way through Siberia. It is a barefaced CIA lie that a Russian killer robot would play any form of Western music, and instead, it is playing a tasteful selection of piano compositions by Sergei Vasilyevich Rachmaninoff during its mechanical killing spree. Russian army conscripts tasked with stopping the smoke-belching death machine have been instructed to carry sheet music in the hopes of distracting it as they are ground under its spiked treads, and to take care to avoid its deadly en passant move.

·         In economic news, reports that the Western sanctions have crippled commerce are demonstrably false, as new video reporting from the factories of the Urals shows a tremendous supply of Soylent Pale Beige being made ready for next week’s rations, proving that production supplies remain in high availability along with meats resulting from the Ukrainian special military operation. Remember, troops, that “HIMARS means High Food Supply!”

·         Reports that the new, top secret variant of the Mil Mi-28 attack helicopter is hovering due only to the hypnotic powers of a Criss Angel Mindfreak are false. Those powers are instead focusing on the effort to create a new third political party in the United States of America, and the success of these efforts should send a warning shot towards all those who oppose Russia’s giant Yang. Did I get that wrong? Goddammit, someone fucking proofread this fucking translation before I read it on air, blyat

·         While it has come to our attention that some certain citizens have ignored our warnings about feeding their mail-order Bashir Assads after midnight, and even worse have allowed them to come into contact with water, the Russian ministry of defense will not be responsible for local gremlin outbreaks. We however suggest activating the local militias, checking your chimney flues, and making sure that your microwave ovens are in defensive mode.

·         The nuclear powered magnetic field separating Brian Blessed memes from crazy Russian dash cam videos is currently holding at thirty-seven percent power and dropping. Scientists on scene do not demonstrate optimism and have been seen wearing helmets and body armor. We will continue to report on this situation as it develops.

·         Contrary to expectations, the phrase ‘Gin makes a man mean’ was not proven by the Russian Academy of Sciences. A strict double blind test has shown that it is in fact bathtub vodka brewed from wood chips that generates significant levels of rage. Further experiments showed the violent tendencies brought about by bath salts, methamphetamine, shooting up industrial cleaners, shooting up brake fluid, or inhaling jenkem. Furter testing will continue once the flow of raw sewage is stopped in laboratory five.

·         The ongoing search for generals to replace those lost in Ukraine has identified several possible candidates who demonstrate the skill, initiative, and forward-thinking that the post requires. Army recruitment has reached out to Macho Man Randy Savage but so far has not received a response in spite of numerous offers of Slim Jims.

·         Reports that the Russian soldiers who in the early stages of the special military operation in Ukraine dug trenches in the Chernobyl exclusion zone have melted into otherworldy crab-beasts are false. Those soldiers have completed their tours of duty and have been returned to the seafood counters closest their home villages. As a gesture of respect, the Ministry of Defense has allocated as many pounds of drawn butter and as much Old Bay seasoning as was requested.

·         Rumors of a joint operation being formed between the Putin-aligned biker club the Night Wolves, the American militia the Proud Boys, and the Wagner Group are false, as all such meetings have been banned due to hostilities which erupted between rival catering companies vying for the lucrative buffet contracts. The most recent conflict caused the deaths of twenty-four servers and the complete destruction of the kitchen facilities at the Four Seasons Hotel Moscow.

·         Despite claims from media sources, Alex Jones of Infowars fame is not a Russian agent. The FSB has disavowed any contact with his organization and the second directorate of the GRU has been forced to shutter their investigations after multiple researchers were afflicted with, and I quote, “the screaming heebie-jeebies.”

·         While the ability to accurately throw a hatchet at a target while performing a somersault is impressive, Spetznaz high command has determined that this tactic is ineffective against tanks and recommends discontinuing the practice in the field.

·         Graboids are not devouring peasants in Siberia, as all science points to the prehistoric creatures only being able to survive in desert environments. I . . I am being told . . . there was another Tremors movie? Set in the Arctic? Blyaaaat, someone get Burt Gummer, stat!

·         The ongoing search for generals to replace those lost in Ukraine has identified several possible candidates who demonstrate the skill, initiative, and forward-thinking that the post requires. However, Steve Bannon, you are not on that list. Please stop bothering High Command. Thank you.

·         Ivan Number Six, the extremely violent chess robot which escaped a tournament earlier this week, has been captured within an electromagnetic containment ring in the forest near Tunguska. As all attempts at destroying the fire-breathing, diesel-smoke belching demon machine have failed, a high risk experiment using stolen alien technology will make the attempt to send it back in time to 1908. Scientists expect no ‘butterfly effects’ from this Event.

·          Vladimir Putin’s attempts to regenerate Time Lord-style into Jodie Whittaker have so far not been met with success.

·         Tang is not the official breakfast drink of the Russian space program. That honor belongs to bathtub gin.

·         ‘Cope armor,’ the improvised cage or slat armor atop many Russian tanks used in the Special Military Operation in Ukraine, has proven to be completely successful in preventing any damage whatsoever from falling coconuts. The brilliant scientists at the Defense Ministry’s Research Institute at Tver will hopefully develop a standardized system capable of defeating falling rocks as soon as the damage is repaired from “the fire incident”

·         The fast food chain “Vkusno-i Tochka” or “Tasty and That’s It” which replaced the American chain McDonald’s is, as promised holding a promotional tie-in with the lighthearted children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat, but rumors that each Blyaat the Caat happy meal will contain a branded vial of krokodil are untrue. Some promotional happy meals will simply contain mold and human fingers. Any rings found may be exchanged at the cashier for soft serve ice cream.

·         Neither the GRU nor the FSB are responsible for the announced reboot of Max Headroom. While such a dramatic action is well within the powers of the Russian security apparatus, the last time he was here we got New Coke from the deal and none of us wants to get blamed for that shit happening again.

·         The abnormally high and destructive heat waves experienced by people all over the globe as a result of anthropomorphic climate change are not due to Russia alone. In fact, in the last week, the nation of Russia has burned sixteen billion tires, two hundred million cubic yards of Styrofoam, and set large swaths of Siberian permafrost on fire, and yet the world still has not burned up. The Ministry of Climate Destruction promises to redouble their efforts.

·         Attempts by the Internet Research Agency to subvert the protest and performance art group Pussy Riot by creating their own counterprotest group, Penis Riot, have met with limited success due to an unfortunate spelling accident which has caused many Russian men to run in terror from ‘Penis Rot.’ Further attempts at rebranding as ‘Testicular Mayhem’ and ‘Prostate Explosion’ have not improved results.

·         Clones of Russian honeypot spy Anna Chapman are not available through mail order unless you are a high ranking NRA executive.

·         In spite of multiple reports to the contrary, the Black Sea Fleet is not under the command of the McDonald’s mascot named Grimace. He is a cartoon character and not a decorated admiral. Rumors that the Hamburglar is in charge of army rations are being investigated, but in the meantime, High Command hopes that all soldiers will enjoy their mealworms with Szechuan sauce. Please note: Szechuan sauce may not actually be included.

·         Contrary to what some may wish to believe, the killing of Al-Qaida leader Ayman al-Zawahiri has not been seen as a strategic defeat for the Kremlin. Rather, Vladimir Putin was overjoyed to find that the demise of the noted radical Islamist has opened up the field and given him a reasonable chance of being named ‘Terrorist leader of the Year’ by Fear and Infamy Magazine.

·         The mysterious metallic orb which recently fell on Mexico, thought to be potentially radioactive and possibly containing ‘valuable information’ does not have inside of it the complete plans for the successful Russian invasion of Ukraine. It also does not contain the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus, for equally obvious reasons.

·         Regardless of recent cinematic developments in the Dune franchise, researchers at the Russian Academy of Sciences have been determined that fear is not actually the mind killer. The actual mind killer is a HIMARS rocket barrage, which also kills everything else. Additionally, they have discovered that the Gom Jabbar is not a new menu offering at “Vkusno-i Tochka,” the Russian McDonald’s replacement. That was always on the menu under the name ‘cheeseburger.’ Vkusno-i Tochka management also requests that patrons avoid folding space while in the HappyLand PlayTime ball pit. Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

·         The Special Military Operation in Ukraine is not being funded by ‘Please read: A personal appeal from Wikipedia editor Vladimir Putin’ banner ads on the Russian-Ukraine war wiki page.

·         BlyaatCoin, the Etherium-backed cryptocurrency first seen on the heartwarming children’s show Blyaat the Caat, is supported by the full faith of the Russian banking system and is expected to grow in acceptance until it is more widely used than Bitcoin or the United States Dollar. However, the depiction in last night’s episode, in which the lovable rogue Jon and his foul-mouthed, scab-covered cat purchased underage prostitutes and illegal amphetamines from a Dark Web crime syndicate is not an approved usage of the currency.

·         While the Russian chess killbot known as Ivan Number Six was, using stolen alien technology, sent back to the year 1908 in a massive explosion that leveled hundreds of square miles of forest in what has come to be known as ‘the Tunguska Event,’ scientists from the Academy of Sciences wish all involved to know that evidence does not suggest the previously unexplained mass sponge migration observed by Dr. Ray Stantz was in any way related. Additionally, the fact that no spiked metal treads, flamethrowers, cruelly curved steel claws, or chess pieces have ever been found at the site of the explosion should not be taken as a cause for alarm in any way whatsoever. Let’s just move on. I’m sure everything is fine.

·         Rumors of poor morale among Russian troops in the Special Military Operation are false. While some Western sources have intercepted messages wherein conscripts claim, to wit, “We've had nothing but maggoty bread for three stinking days!” High Command has seen fit to introduce a situation where meat is back on the menu, boys.

·         Video purporting to show that Vladimir Putin cannot use his right hand are false and are simply CIA deepfakes, just like the faked videos of him ugly crying to Morrissey songs or tantruming in the Duma after being told it was impossible invade Gondor. And while on the subject of manipulated video, I would like to take this moment to inform the world that no one in Russia or any of the former Soviet Republics are responsible for Wolf Blitzer’s hunger. For fucks’ sake, people, even we have some goddamn standards.

·         While the strength of the electromagnetic containment field separating Brian Blessed memes from crazy Russian dashcam videos has dropped to dangerous levels, an unexpected reprieve has come from the direction of the My Little Pony fandom. Wait, I may have that wrong. Uh, My card reads: Twilight Sparkle cosplayers have killed two thousand four hundred Russian conscripts in the—Wait! Wait! Cameras off! This does not go out on air! Blyaat

·         Russian naval midwatch rations do not include Purple Drank.

·         The Bashir Assad outbreak in Ivangorod has reached dangerous levels, following an incident in which he was fed after midnight and then allowed to come into contact with water. Local security forces have been mobilized but are however being slowed by confusion and target misidentification brought on by the ‘Critters’ movie franchise, the ‘Ghoulies’ movie franchise, and the ‘Munchies’ franchise which didn’t even fucking attempt to take itself seriously in any goddamn way at all. A horde of amateur movie critics are frothing at the mouth and moving in. We expect high casualties and hold out hope for few survivors.

·         The nuclear-powered ‘tsunami torpedo’ has in fact been successfully tested in a St. Petersburg swimming pool and has produced measurable effects. It may not have been a full sized Olympic swimming pool but it still knocked Dr. Sergei Ivanovich’s drink right out of his hand. Work continues to improve the warhead effects, possibly by introducing some of the fluid draining from Rudy Giuliani’s scalp into the fission process.

·         The Donald Trump ‘pee tape,’ which shows the former US President hiring prostitutes in a Moscow hotel room to pee on him, on each other, on the bed, on the wall, and on the television is not being withheld as kompromat. Sadly, the two FSB agents acting as prostitutes suffered death by electrocution after the copious flow of urine shorted out the racks of electronic recording equipment which had been installed in the furniture and ceiling, and the FSB is holding the video back to avoid an insurance payout. The Technical Directorate is at this moment studying new ways of waterproofing espionage gear.

·         Yevgeny Prigozhin—oligarch, Putin loyalist and controller of the Internet Research Agency troll farm—is not the result of a failed experiment involving dead cats and the cursed Micmac Burial Ground near Castle Rock, Maine. There is absolutely no reason why any loyal Russian citizen would need to travel to the United States to find a necromantically active demon resurrection portal when we have Gorky Park right here in the center of Moscow. While we are on this topic, authorities continue to request that citizens refrain from burying their pets in the Sematary. Thank you.

·         The ongoing search for generals to replace those lost in Ukraine has identified several possible candidates who demonstrate the skill, initiative, and forward-thinking that the post requires. High command has reached out to Alex Jones’ defense attorney who, in spite of accidentally eviscerating his own case by leaking the entire contents of his client’s phone to the plaintiff’s attorneys, still demonstrated information security at a level greater than the rest of the Russian army. Also, we’re pretty sure he needs a new job now. Call us, Reynal!

·         Yesterday’s Very Special Episode of Blyaat the Caat, in which the lovable rapscallion and violent drunk Jon took his two pets, the scabrous cat Blyaat and Opo the unexploded bomb with googly eyes, to the site of 1908 Tunguska Event in Northern Siberia before passing out due to a prostitute-induced stab wound was an educational episode designed to educate young minds with the importance of history. The fact that the history in question was related to the murderous chess robot which identified itself as Ivan Number Six and which was supposedly destroyed in the past using stolen alien technology is a point which should not be belabored. Additionally, the fact that an unknown, vengeful and possibly demonic force of annihilation has suddenly appeared near the Kamchatka peninsula shrieking DEATH TO THE LIVING and NO DISSASSEMBLE is not a message to The Resistance.

·         As is fitting for a World Leader in this age of turmoil, Russian President Vladimir Putin has reached out to the emotionally traumatized Premier Xi Jinping after the wholly unprovoked and destabilizing visit to the renegade province of Taiwan by American House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. A special diplomatic delegation was sent to ensure the Chinese Premier that the nation of Russia stands with China. Unfortunately, due to a minor miscommunication on the part of the embassy staff, a consoling and calming gift of a plush Winnie the Pooh bear to Xi was not taken as well as had been hoped. Memorial services for the diplomatic team will be held next Thursday.

·         In Sports news, the Russian Football League has announced the formation of a new franchise, the St. Petersburg Suckers. As their inaugural game is set to be against the 147-0 ranked Moscow Martinets, they have reached out to the noted sports theorist Tom Brady for tactics to improve their ball-handling skills. Tuesday’s matchup between the two titans of sports will take place on Wednesday assuming the balls can be deflated in time.

·         The previously reported BlyaatCoin cryptocurrency first shown on the heartwarming children’s show Blyaat the Caat has, as predicted by the Ministry of Economics, reached a dizzying high of one hundred and fourteen . . . I am sorry, eighty-nine . . . I apologize, the numbers are . . . two hundred and sixty seven . . . no, one moment please . . . five . . . my apologizes, this is a story in progress. We will report on this number as soon as it stabilizes and BlyaatCoin investors stop falling out of windows.

·         Rumors that Russian anti-war activists attempted to assassinate President Putin by implanting a bomb inside Princess Olga, his anime body pillow, while she was at the dry cleaner are false. Princess Olga is freshly laundered each morning in house by Kremlin workers to remove . . . stains.

·         And now, in a message to our Western audiences: No matter how badly you might think of Russian president Vladimir Putin, please remember that he is one of the few January 6 conspirators who has not been subpoenaed by the 1/6 commission.

·         Medical professionals have informed us at this station that, when faced with sudden traumatic amputation due to Ukrainian HIMARs strikes, the correct medical procedure is to store to amputated body parts in an ice-cold saline solution so as to assist in any future re-attachment procedures. Also, if you’d be so kind as to add a bay leaf, maybe some thyme, brown sugar, and honesty, some good peppers? I know some people don’t care for spice but most of us here at the station are fond of habaneros. Thanks.

·         In other news, the reporting that this agency has repeatedly brought to light regarding former President Barack Obama’s time machine has been tragically proven to be correct, as new evidence shows that Ivan Number Six, the horrifically violent chess robot which has covered itself in human skulls and flesh, has returned to the present in the forests near Kamchatka after having previously been banished to the early years of the twentieth century. Attempts at subduing the demonic chess machine are now centering on convincing it to invest in BlyaatCoin by having the American Elon Musk deliver a presentation on the benefits of cryptocurrencies. Scholars studying the current proto-apocalyptic event point to the tactical value of a crypto rug-pull demoralizing the killbot, having it completely stymied by irony, or having it eat Musk. Whatever happens, it’s a win. Moving on.

·         While much has been made of the fast food chain “Vkusno-i Tochka” or “Tasty and That’s It” replacing the American chain McDonalds, the new Russian franchise replacing “Long John Silvers” known as “Eat this Goddamn Fish Right Now, You Fucking Bastards” has been quietly clocking up record sales. The Employee of the Month award for the Moscow location has been given to First Sergeant Ivan Ivanovitch and his AK-47 rifle.

·         Vladimir Putin is in no way in poor health, and is fully able to complete his duties as President of Russia. He is merely being wheelchaired into each meeting to save time, and has developed a highly terse form of communication that is only superficially and visually similar to drooling.

·         The Russian army has not invaded and captured Hogwarts in an effort to release the Dementors.

·         Let us be clear: the events in yesterday’s heartwarming episode of the children’s show Blyaat the Caat in which the lovable rapscallion Jon and his disease-ridden cat donated sixteen gallons of blood to pay for his heroin addiction are not actually possible in real life. In general, medical professionals will not accept donated blood from out of a wooden barrel without at least asking where it came from, even if they work for the medical directorate of the army.

·         The official march of the 17th Motorised Engineer Brigade is not ‘Hallelujah, it’s raining men’

·         The American HIMARS rocket artillery system is not capable of launching She-Hulk.

·         According to some reports Ivan Number six, the Russian chess robot also known as ‘grinding and shrieking death’ by locals has decimated the population of two provinces near Kamchatka and has built a throne of skulls upon which it sits, drooling and demanding tribute. However, please be aware: primitive gods are never satisfied for long with any level of human sacrifice. If you are administrator in one of the provinces under its control please take care to ensure that you have adequate supplies of army conscripts.

·         Vitalii Hura, the Russian-appointed deputy head of the civil and military administration of occupied Nova Kakhovka in Kerson Oblast who was the subject of an assassination attempt, has had his condition improved. He is now dead. Memorial services will be held next Thursday.

·         There are no werewolves in Gorky Park. Rumors that Sergey Lavrov has been bitten and continues to transform are false, and are most likely brought on by unfounded claims that he is now using a litter box in his office in the Ministry of Foreign Affairs. In related news, the Moscow Veterinarian Society requests that all cat owners apply silver to their pets as a test. Thank you.

·         Putin's spokesperson, Dmitri Peskov, is not referred to in the Kremlin as ‘The Mouth of Sauron.’ That title was rightfully won from him during last year’s annual Minion Olympics when Kellyanne Conway reclaimed it with an impressive showing at the 100 Meter Gish Gallop.

·         Russian army rations are not being produced by the Willy Wonka Chocolate Company and no soldiers have been turned into giant blueberries. Reports of groups of singing and dancing Oompa Loompas delivering moral lessons regarding our invasion of Ukraine are almost certainly a product of alcohol withdrawal.

·         The hackers responsible for taking over Dmitry Medvedev’s VK-account have been identified, emptied, and recycled in a responsible manner.

·         As recent attempts at capturing Hogwarts in the aim of releasing Dementors have failed, Army High Command has now issued orders to target the prison of Azkaban as informed sources tell us that that’s where they may actually be found. A highly trained regiment of VDV ‘Blue Beret’ paratroopers is even now training with brooms and wands, or at least sharp sticks, for the attack.

·         Good news! The drawing for the Moscow Powerball has found one lucky winner, who played the letter and number combination “PLEASE HELP ME” and will be awarded the Grand Prize of two potatoes, some dirt in the shape of an onion, and a one-way trip to Kamchatka to deal with a murderous killbot named Ivan unless he shuts up and gets back to work. Yes, that’s you Sergey in the goddamn IT closet. You don’t want *screech*signal lost*

·         The James Webb Space Telescope is a satellite designed primarily to conduct infrared astronomy of distant galaxies and is not capable of focusing burning rays on individual Russian soldiers to set them on fire. This is almost certainly you dumbasses getting drunk and playing with gasoline again. Please stop that.

·         Russia does not have a domestic terrorism problem, unlike the United States. All explosions, fires, train derailments, nuclear meltdowns, attacks by murderous chess playing killbots, werecat bites in Gorky Park, rampaging Dementors, mocking songs by Oompa Loompas, and meteor strikes in Russia are the fault of one careless soldier named Ivan. He will be harshly disciplined.

·         The planned attack on the prison of Azkaban, with the strategic aim of releasing the Dementors, has been less successful than hoped. Two regiments of VDV ‘Blue Beret’ paratroopers successfully performed a high-altitude jump over the target, but unfortunately, none of the soldiers were able to safely pilot their brooms to the ground. Planning for phase two of the attack is now under way.

·         Private First Class Yevgeny Smirnov of the 27th Separate Guards Motor Rifle Brigade is not the reincarnation of Czar Nicholas II. Please stop giving him money.

·         The ongoing search for generals to replace those lost in Ukraine has identified several possible candidates who demonstrate the skill, initiative, and forward-thinking that the post requires. Who’s the next potential General for the special military operation in Ukraine? You guessed it, Frank Stallone. If he ever returns our calls, at least.

·         In spite of previous research by the Defense Ministry’s Research Institute, the ‘wedgie’ cannot be weaponized. Crash programs to develop the Noogie and Purple Nurple are now underway.

·         The North Korean promise to send one hundred thousand troops to support the special military operation in Ukraine is expected to change ground conditions tremendously, assuming any of them make it to the front lines before they defect.

·         The collapse of the St. Petersburg based tea company металлический чай owned by Oligarch Oleg Deripaska was not due to western sanctions, which are having almost no effect whatsoever on the Russian economy. Instead, this was due to lack of consumer interest in western markets for its flagship “Polony-YUM” product.

·         Mario Kart has not been banned in Russia following a late night gaming session where Putin lost multiple times to Kim Jong-un. However, anyone found in possession of a blue shell will be immediately exiled to Kamchatka to face Ivan Number Six.

·         Vladimir Putin has not been expelled from the Lollipop Guild over failure to pay dues. He has resigned his commission as a Senior Lollipop Fellow due to artistic differences, of which annual dues were simply one item.

·         The crew of the heavy cruiser Moskva is not spending a year dead for tax reasons.

·         Yesterday’s Very Special Episode of the heartwarming children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat, in which the lovable and heroically inebriated cab driver Jon contracted Monkey Pox from a night of illicit pleasures with his scabrous cat and then accidentally detonated his pet googly-eyed bomb Opo in Times Square after prettying it up in a sequined dress, was not a message to The Resistance. In fact, this was a message to our heroic undercover operative in the heart of the Capitalist Empire, who is at this very moment planning to strike a blow against our enemies from his perch in a storm drain surrounded by Chinese Torture Socks. We will report on this situation as it develops.

·         The ongoing Azkaban Front which has pitted the worst that the Hogwarts School of Magic has to offer against the best of the VDV ‘Blue Beret’ paratroopers has reached a new stage of ferocity. The enemy’s battle cry of ‘Wot the heck, luv?’ has been met with the sounds of trained bodies falling out of the sky to impact onto brick pavement, and there will be no respite until the enemy ceases to snicker as our landing operations commence. High Command fully expects that the battalion of surviving paratroopers will be able to defeat the small girl who was attempting to utilize the Girl’s Room on the fifth floor.

·         Vladimir Putin was not a founding member of New Kids on the Block, even if he has impressive lip syncing skills.

·         Reports that China may be attacking the Glorious Russian People’s Republic through cyber-attacks are without standing. Unlike the corrupt and capitalist West, the nation of China has no enmity with the people of Russia and there are no reasons at all why Premier Xi Jinpeng would wish to alienate the most powerful people on earth for reasons such as trivial ‘access to Arctic ports’ or ‘trillions of US dollars in resources’ or ‘some excuse to get rid of an excess male population.’ Honestly, it just makes no sense.

·         Noted actor and martial artist Steven Seagal did not recently visit Olenivka Prison camp with the aim of helping cover up war crimes. He is on location filming his latest direct-to-VHS blockbuster “Under Siege 19: Out of Breakfast Burritos.” Scriptwriter Sergey Lavrov has claimed it to be his magnum opus.

·         Yesterday’s heartwarming episode of the beloved children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat has unfortunately raised some controversy among conservative Russian citizens due to its portrayal of the residents of the Black Sea city of Sochi as being touched with ‘the Innsmouth Taint.’ As we all know, the Esoteric Order of Dagon is merely a charitable institution involved with fish farming and exploring the deep parts of the ocean, and is not involved with human crossbreeding with fish in any way. Also, the producers of the program wish to apologize for the segment in which the hilariously drunken cab driver Jon and his scabrous cat mainlined industrial cleaning chemicals and then defecated on Patriarch Kirill of the Russian Orthodox Church.

·         Sadly, due to Western sanctions affecting Russian production capabilities, the planned rollout of Melania Trump version 3.17.143 will be unfortunately delayed. Instead, an emergency software update will be remotely installed to counter the reported ‘frozen sneer’ bug #8343421. Please keep any previous versions of Melania near her charging station and in Bluetooth range while the update takes place.

·         Sadly, our intelligence agents have made contact with FSB agent Tom Brady but aside from ‘deflating balls’ he appears to have no new insight for our military operations. One battalion tactical group has been equipped with hypodermic needles and suction pumps in order to test his hypothesis, but initial reports are not promising. *Screams of pain in the distanceWe will continue to report on this story as it develops.

·         While some defeatists may claim that the pilots of the glorious Russian air force are afraid to fly over Ukraine, recent events have shown that many pilots, mechanics, and even ground crew can take to the air with amazing rapidity given the proper impulse.

·         Rumors that Sergey Lavrov, Marjorie Taylor Greene, and the Fratelli Brothers from The Goonies are vying for the role of Apprentice Sith Lord under Vladimir Putin are false. For one thing, the Fratelli Brothers were characters in a movie, and were not actual human beings. The rest of this will be left as an exercise for the reader.

·         Snoopy was a cartoon character invented by Charles Schulz and is not currently a pilot of a Sopwith Camel. If you are a pilot and you claim that you have been shot down by a flying doghouse then Central Command will have your liquor ration reduced. That is all.

·         In spite of recent reports of multiple mass poisoning events in the occupied territories, officials stress that there is no evidence this is the work of partisans. Instead, this is simple the perfectly normal reaction to Russian army rations, which expired in . . . blyaat is that supposed to be better? Who’s writing this crap? Pyotr, if this is another of your pranks I’m going to  . . . wait, cut! Cameras off! Blyaaaaat

·         Word has arrived from the Blighted Lands of the East that Ivan Number Six, the extremely violent chess robot which has returned to the present through the use of President Obama’s time machine, has ceased collecting human skulls and has embarked on a massive construction of some kind. While details are scarce, at this time it appears to be either a multistory killing machine, or some other kind of multistory killing machine. We are, uh, following the situation as it develops.

·         The crew of the heavy cruiser Moskva has not embarked on a joyful voyage of exploration on the Black Sea floor.

·         Yesterday’s heartwarming episode of the beloved children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat in which the scabrous feline caused the deaths of sixteen Russian army conscripts by hacking a toxic, smoking hairball into their gruel was not a message to The Resistance. Additionally, the portrayal of Vladimir Ilyich Lenin as a male prostitute specializing in scat play is not historically accurate.

·         Vladimir Putin’s giant conference table has not been pressed into service as a makeshift aircraft carrier, and there are no plans to do so even if Su-24 aircraft have successfully landed on it.

·         We have success to report on the Azkaban Prison front. The surviving VDV ‘Blue Beret’ paratroopers have liberated Dementors from the clutches of the imperialist British Ministry of Magic. In a daring charge which saw all but three heroically lose their lives to a small girl with a wand, the paratroopers burst through the bathroom door and into the prison proper, where they made contact with their targets. Dementors, of course, infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them, and as such it is naturally to be expected that they would choose to relocate to Russian army recruitment centers all around the country since those do the same thing. We will report on this situation as it develops.

·         Belarussian president Aleksandr Lukashenko has not returned to his home planet, and construction of a giant catapult to launch him has not been started in Minsk.

·         Regardless of what Western audiences may feel about Vladimir Putin, he has never been charged with espionage crimes against his own country. Also, contrary to reports, he did not last night throw his computer across the bunker while screaming “I can’t keep up with all these fucking Donald Trump crimes” and even if video of such a thing exists it is a CIA deepfake. Moving on.

·         The soldiers of the 2nd Guards M. I. Kalinin Taman Motor Rifle Division did not burst into a spontaneous song and dance routine celebrating their love of playing Jenga with explosive ordnance. Also, memorial services will be held next Thursday.

·         In other news, a solution has finally been found to the dreaded Ivan Number Six problem. Captain Yakov Tiberious Kirkovitch has approached the bloodstained, scheming monster, and issued a formal challenge of logic. While the murderous killbot prepared a chessboard of death, Kirkovitch simply presented it with a copy of the Ukraine invasion plans and demanded that Ivan Number Six explain them. After several moments of hideous ‘DOES NOT COMPUTE! DOES NOT COMPUTE!” screeches it appeared to explode. Captain Kirkovitch will be awarded the nation’s highest honor of not being appointed a General on the Ukraine front, just in case the diabolical chess machine ever appears again.

·         In official Kremlin Games, Vladimir Putin has rejected the official Dungeons and Dragons Fifth Edition Rules and still plays his Halfling thief “Vladie” who uses home rules to be able to teleport, deliver backstab attacks regardless of situation, and call upon his pet demon ‘FSB’ to execute anyone who does not believe him when he claims he has rolled a natural twenty. Volunteers for players for the upcoming run of the classic ‘Tomb of Horrors’ module are welcomed.

·         The crews constructing a catapult in Minsk to launch President Lukashenko to his home planet have been dispersed by State Security. Reports suggest that The Resistance will begin working on a giant rocket made of guns to achieve the same goal or at least the lesser goal of shooting him over and over again.

·         The Kremlin-supported cryptocurrency BlyaatCoin is now accepted at the fast food chain “Vkusno-i Tochka” or “Tasty and That’s It” which has replaced the American chain McDonalds. BlyaatCoin may be exchanged for Skee-Ball tickets at an exchange rate determined by the number of dead rats found in the ball return trough. Wonderful prizes, including ‘I caught it at Tasty’ hats or commemorative rat stabbing knives may be purchased from the cashier by exchanging Skee-Ball tickets or dead rats.

·         The crew of the heavy cruiser Moskva have not begun moonlighting as harbor buoys as a way to pass the time.

·         Please note: any crowds of small people singing ‘Oompa Loompa, doompadee doo, I’ve got another puzzle for you’ are simply spreading defeatist propaganda and should be ignored, even if ‘Oompa Loompa doopity doo, they’re gonna fucking massacre you’ does have a pleasing rhyme structure.

·         Sergey Lavrov’s recently announced foray into the role of Instagram Influencer has been a complete success regardless of what Western sources might claim. His highly touted cologne, ‘Lubyanka Nights’ has been described as “Please, I’ll say whatever you want, don’t sent me to the Ukraine front” and his recipe for grilled mayonnaise with mayonnaise topping has won accolades from even Western sources such as the food editor at Lifehacker. He next plans to address world hunger caused by Russian actions by murdering as many people as he can. Remember, hit ‘like’ and ‘follow’!

·         The Glorious Russian Empire’s answer to the Discovery Channel’s “Shark Week,” “Baba Yaga Week” will kick off on Monday with an investigative report asking the question, “When will she be announced as Donald Trump’s running mate?”

·         Fears by Russian loyalists that Russian President Vladimir Putin may somehow be at risk during his annual pilgrimage to KnightCon, the annual Knight Rider convention, are unfounded. As any true aficionado of the exploits of Michael Knight and his technologically advanced car KITT can tell the uneducated, KnightCon has been renamed to Ultra Con and Putin has no fears that any enemies of the Foundation for Law and Government can escape the sensors of his highly intelligent 1983 Lada which came from the factory with both a cigarette lighter and seatbelts. Unfortunately, instead of being the vision of a super AI, the blinking red light on the hood signifies “Low Oil Pressure” or “Currently on fire” or “trunk lid ajar” depending on circumstance.

·         Unlike in Western cities, Moscow sewers do not face the indignity of ‘fatbergs’ and any claims that one has become sentient after exposure to krokodil, polonium tea, and fast food wrappers from Vkusno-i Tochka are false. Any screams you hear when you flush the toilet are probably your own fault.

·         Reports that the dreaded disease polio is making a return to the American city of New York are of no surprise to the Russian Academy of Medical Sciences, which has long prescribed the treatments of ‘rub some dirt on it’ or ‘drink two bottles of vodka and call me in the morning’ for all maladies. It is of no surprise that the hardworking people of Russia have become so healthy that almost all die long before polio can appear.

·         While yesterday’s promotional tie-in between the light-hearted and beloved children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat and the medical drama Survivor: Moscow Trauma Center end with the lovable and magnificently inebriated cab driven Jon being voted out of the emergency room, viewers will be pleased to note that he was eventually able to receive medical treatment for his prostitute bite wounds after tracking down an old friend, Misha “The Butcher of Tverskaya Street” Misosovitch.  In lieu of antibiotics he will rely on his bloodstream, which is 40 proof and at least two percent industrial cleaning chemicals.

·         Unfounded and cruel rumors that the Kerch Strait Bridge is being intentionally turned into a twenty-five kilometer long traffic jam of fleeing Russian vacationers used as human shields to protect the bridge will be looked into by the Russian office of Amnesty International and their lead investigator, Stevie Wonder.

·         In sports news, the Russian Football League has announced a new set of rules for the upcoming season in order to further differentiate itself from the far inferior ‘American Football’ pastime. The new rules will require all players on the field to be equipped with both an enema bag filled with Scrabble tiles and a raw chicken drumstick. Any players who drop their drumsticks during play will receive an enema. *shuffles papersMoving on.

·         Some may say that Vladimir Putin appears weak and frail, and possibly unable to complete his duties as President of the Russian Federation, but those people are regularly set on fire. Don’t be like those people. *Screams in the background

·         Vladimir Putin has not been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty.

·         The Russian army would never stoop to such underhanded tactics as using leg bombs. Such a thing would simply be a waste of a perfectly good prosthetic leg, and those things have become surprisingly valuable in the Russian army as of late.

·         Yesterday’s heartwarming episode of the lighthearted children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat in which the titular cat, having coughed up a blinding spray of industrial cleaning chemicals, scabs, worms, and other parasites into the eyes of a prostitute that the lovable rogue Jon was attempting to hire for a ‘Moscow McRib’ was simply intended as cultural satire of the decadent West. As we all know, the “Moscow McRib” is an uncommon sexual position where the female puts her feet into pork sparerib mukluks while the male gnaws on a turkey leg and throws ashtrays at a television showing Fox News. Additionally, the segment in which Opo, Jon’s pet googly-eyed bomb, explodes and destroys a hospital filled with war veterans in order to save the state valuable rubles should be taken as comedy with no underlying significance whatsoever.

·         Regardless of reports, no senior Russian official has secretly contacted the west to negotiate an end to the Special Military Operation in Ukraine against the wishes of the President. The last time such a thing happened, Rudolf Hess ended up locked away in the Tower of London and I’m certain that Sergey Lavrov would never wish that fate upon himself. *Looks off-cameraBut let’s not name names.

·         Reports that Russian citizens, fearing the advancing Ukrainian army, are in tears as they flee Crimea are untrue. They had simply been told that “Vkusno-i Tochka” or “Tasty Period” had discontinued the Shamrock Shake. Hopes are high that not only the Shamrock Shake but also the McRib can be returned to delight the palates of Moscow residents.

·         Princess Olga, Putin’s anime body pillow that absolutely was not involved in an earlier assassination attempt, has also not achieved sentience and flushed herself down the toilet in the Kremlin after the horrified realization of the liberties her ‘husband’ has been taking with her nightly. Sanitation workers have been instructed to ignore all such foolish rumors and at all costs prevent Princess Olga, or any other stained anime body pillows, from meeting one of the growing clan of vengeful fatbergs that are absolutely not forming a war party in the bowels of the city. Flamethrowers may or may not have been issued. May God be or not be with you.

·         The crew of the heavy cruiser Moskva have not embarked on an epic, 20,000 league adventure under the sea with Captain Nemo.

·         Any so-called ‘news from the front’ that one may hear secondhand is of course false, and all leading scholars of military thought have agreed that Vladimir Putin is a master strategist who has gamed out all possible scenarios. As proof of this fact, we need to look no farther than his recent 100^th straight Yu-Gi-Oh! win over the previous title-holder Brandon, who was removed from the field of play by his mother who claimed it was ‘naptime.’ President Putin requires no naptime, unless he really wants it.

·         The recent outbreak of Syrian President Bashir Assad and his clones or mutant offspring has been successfully resolved with a disciplined and forceful military action by the Wagner Group. The gremlins, as they have been come to be known, have been almost completely eradicated, although a feral pack of Hollywood producers has been spotted in the treelines above the city of Ivangorod leaving a trail of discarded movie script pages behind them. Military planners suggest that this threat will be contained as soon as they can identify and stop whoever is responsible for making direct-to-VHS videos, at least aside from the Steven Seagal ‘Under Siege’ series.

·         The missile-armed robot dog which was natively developed in Russia as a demonstration of the superiority of Russian technology will not, as some pundits claim, result in a terrifying doomsday scenario where human beings are eradicated by killer robots under the control of a murderous AI. As we all know, Russian killbots do not blindly follow the West’s insipid “Three Laws of Robots” by Isaac Asimov but instead are programmed with diabolical cunning, a mastery of tactics and strategy, and an overwhelming urge to protect President Putin at all costs. *Turns pageIn other news, the mound of skulls piled up by the murderous chess robot Ivan Number Six has been bulldozed and all signs of his reign of terror in Kamchatka have been erased.

·         Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu was not able to escape his official dacha by placing a Papier Mâché head in his bunk and then paddling to freedom on a rubber raft constructed of raincoats. Loyal FSB agents were able confiscate his raincoats in time.

·         The sanitation crew assigned to delve the Moscow Sewers in search of Princess Olga, Putin’s anime body pillow which has achieved monstrous sentience, has topped off at Roscoe’s Energy Emporium and has informed the bartender on Rakhir street that they will, in fact, get a bottle from the cellar. Their party consists of one fighter, one conjurer, and four bards, which does not inspire a great deal of hope. However, through an inspired misuse of save game files they have cloned multiple copies of a Fire Horn and they believe they can defeat all enemies. Emergency copies of the original Commodore 64 game manuals have been dispatched.

·         Vladimir Putin is not The Stig and does not drive a McLaren F1 at speeds exceeding the sound barrier. He drives a classic restored 1983 Lada with optional seatbelts, high performance cardboard fenders, and racing stripes which are meticulously repainted every time it rains.

·         Belarussian President Lukashenko, in a bid to both assure Moscow of his solidarity in the Special Military Operation and to not involve his nation’s military in the ongoing screaming clusterfuck in Ukraine has yet again demurred against sending troops to support the Russian army but has instead presented a lovely charcuterie board complete with bamboo tongs and forks and a wide variety of seasoned nuts, cheeses, sun-dried tomatoes, and fig marmalades to the Kremlin. Reports suggest that the General Staff of the Belarussian army, warily eying the growing and furious crowd building guillotines, hangman’s nooses, and other medieval execution devices are pleased with this outcome but wish for their own charcuterie boards.

·         In medical news, the director of the Moscow Central Hospital has confirmed claims that some sexually transmitted diseases may be transmitted by intimate contact with machinery, and asks that all soldiers please stop humping their artillery pieces. That means you, Corporal Ivan Ivanovitch. Or at least spray some bleach around, for God’s sake.

·         Putin's spokesperson Dmitri Peskov has not yet commented on his inclusion in yesterday’s Very Special Episode of the beloved children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat, but the fact that Russia One News has uncovered a large garbage bin filled with vomit, used syringes, and soiled women’s underwear outside of his Moscow apartment suggests that he may be embracing his newly found role in the BlyaatVerse.  While some fan speculation hypothesizes that he may be the alter ego of famed crime-involved person Blyaatman, the producers are not offering comment. We will update this story as it develops.

·         While outside Russia the motives behind the Special Military Operation in Ukraine are opaque, the truth is simply that the Russian people still wish to avenge the death of their ancestral leader, the Great Goblin who was assassinated by Gandalf in TA 2941.

·         The ghost of Boris Yeltsin has not appeared before Vladimir Putin, Hamlet-like, demanding vengeance. Additionally, as Putin is given to delivering Shakespearian soliloquies while staring at walls, no one really wants to go in there and find out what ghosts he’s blathering about this time. Last time he was smearing his own poop on the walls and it took a cleaning crew a week to get it out of the carpet.

·         The scourge of Oompa Loompas appearing at the Kremlin and delivering mocking song-and-dance routines referring to the endless stream of poor decisions made there has been resolved by heroic work on the part of Moscow pest exterminators. However, they have been replaced with the silent figure of Gritty, who now simply stands in the center of Putin’s enormous conference table. None have so far dared to approach him, partly because of the distances involved.

·         Today in ‘Baba Yaga Week’ on Russia One, famed cryptozoologist Ivan Ivanovitch will attempt to answer the question “When will Donald Trump announce her as his running mate?”

·         In high-energy physics news, Russian scientists have developed a new process to split the Vodka atom, with potentially enormous benefits to mankind from an endless source of free energy. We have hopes for a Nobel Prize for the lead researcher, Yahoo Seriousovitch.

·         Soldiers from the 4th Guards Tank 'Kantemirovskaya' Division have not exploded into spontaneous applause at being told their beet gruel would be replaced with industrial food pellets. That was actually an artillery strike. Their food pellets will be instead delivered to either the 47^th Guards Division or the Moscow Zoo, whichever one comes up with a better bribe

·         The new Russian coffee chain Stars, which has taken over from the American chain Starbucks, has released their first customer menu. They are serving premium roast Siberian coffee, dark roast Siberian coffee, and Spike’s Space house blend coffee. Plans to introduce Kopi luwak, the famed coffee variety which has been passed through the digestive tract of a civet cat, were placed on hold due to the lack of such civet cats but in the spirit of true Russian engineering a substitute has been found. The new ‘Kopi Gopnik’ coffee is lovingly brewed from beans defecated by a Moscow street hobo and collected each morning by certified Stars baristas with tongs. Connoisseurs may detect faint hints of kvass, diesel fuel, and burning tires.  

·         Rumors of disagreements between rival factions of the Russian Army high command are untrue. There was simply a discussion of whether the army should return to Isengard or to Mordor, and after a vigorous debate a consensus was achieved. This additionally relieved some food supply issues for the troops.

·         The unfortunate demise of the Wagner Group multimedia wing has left the mercenaries with a projected deficit in net proceeds due to the loss of income from their OnlyFans and PornHub accounts. In an attempt to recoup the funding, Private Ivan Ivanovitch will perform, on camera, the desperation act of ‘The St. Petersburg Spackle’ which involves a Doberman pinscher, a 55-gallon drum of Milk Bones, and an enema bag filled with A-1 Sauce. Private Ivanovitch has been lubed and primed and hopes his sacrifice will earn your five point ratings.

·         Yesterday’s heartwarming episode of the beloved children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat, in which the scabrous feline extruded a six foot long hairball into Jon’s toilet bowl, convincing him that he had mated with Bigfoot while under the influence of bath salts, was not a message to the resistance.

·         The new Russian coffee chain Stars, replacing the American chain Starbucks, will be replacing the bourgeois sizes of 'Venti' 'Grande' and 'tall' with 'Blyaaaaaat,' 'Blyaat,' and 'Cyka Blyaat' to better appeal to Russian tastes. Additionally, due to the promotional tie in with the lighthearted children's cartoon Blyaat the Caat all coffee drinks will be served with whipped cream of dubious origin and a shot of Krokodil whether requested or not.

·         The crew of the heavy cruiser Moskva has not joined the Beatles to live on their Yellow Submarine.

·         Vladimir Putin was not a founding member of the K-Pop boy band BTS  before being fired, and it was not due to his 'high pitched and reedy' singing voice.

·         The manifestation of Gritty which has taken up residence in the center of Putin's enormous conference table continues to thwart all efforts at his removal. Stun guns, nerve agents, and tranquilizer darts have been employed to no effect, and attempts to at least cover up his mocking leer with a giant bag of some kind over his head have failed.

·         Regardless of what the rumor mill might circulate, Putin's spokesperson Dmitri Peskov has not yet been bested at the game of Duck Duck Goose. He strides across the Kremlin playground a master among lesser mortals.

·         The ongoing effort to locate Princess Olga, Vladimir Putin’s anime body pillow, has instead encountered an individual dressed as a clown and identifying itself as Pennywiseovitch. This person has been promoted to Admiral and placed in charge of the Black Sea Fleet as their aspirational message of ‘We all float down here’ is an improvement over the status of the heavy cruiser Moskva.

·         Stars Coffee will not be offering all Starbucks menu items. In place of soy milk macchiatos customers will instead be offered a traditional Moscow assault and robbery involving a broken beer bottle. Similarly, Egg Bites have been replaced with actual bites from a street hobo.

·         The investigation into the death of Darya Dugina, child of ideologue Alexander Dugin, will be carried out with all the due diligence and professionalism that the Moscow Special Crimes Unit is . . . *looks at screenfor fucks sake, can you idiots at least wait until the camera is off before you start beating suspects? Moving on.

·         Yesterday’s heartwarming episode of Blyaat the Caat, in which the lovable and hilariously inebriated cab driver Jon detonated his pet unexploded bomb underneath the car of ideologue Alexander Dugin, was entirely a coincidence and not a message to The Resistance.

·         Pope Francis has not challenged Patriarch Kirill of the Russian Orthodox Church to a dance-off. Also, Kirill’s offer of a rap battle to decide the status of their respective organizations has been declined.

·         The Russian government-backed cryptocurrency BlyaatCoin has proven to be an exceptional tool to evade economic sanctions, Finance Minister Anton Siluanov has recently said during a fiscal policy meeting at the Kremlin. At the current exchange rate of three BlyaatCoin to one Skee-Ball ticket, the ministry has been able to import a wide variety of novelty toys and coupons for free soft-serve ice cream at Tasty Period. These coupons will be redeemed as soon as ice cream is available.

·         The ongoing search for generals to replace those lost in Ukraine has identified several possible candidates who demonstrate the skill, initiative, and forward-thinking that the post requires. Army recruitment has reached out to Gargamel of The Smurfs fame, but has not yet received a response.

·         While Ukrainian officials are baselessly claiming that the death of Darya Dugina was only the first of a number of highly placed Russians to be killed by the FSB, this is merely propaganda and should be ingored. In other news, last night’s episode of the heartwarming children’s cartoon Blaat the Caat, in which the scabrous feline viciously executed the Minister of Internal Affairs Vladimir Kolokoltsev, was not a signal to The Resistance.

·         Vladimir Putin has not outlawed the color orange in order to ward off the curse of Gritty, who is still haunting his conference table. Such a move would be illogical. Instead, Putin has embarked on a program of child sacrifice to placate the god of Finding Out, which began with the murder of . . . wait, I don’t think I’m supposed to say that on air. Moving on. Next story!

·         Rumors that Belarussian president Victor Lukashenko possesses a video recording of Putin performing ‘My Humps’ by the Black Eyed Peas for his personal enjoyment are false, and anyone found in possession of such a thing will be sent into the Moscow sewers to find Princess Olga.

·         The heavy cruiser Moskva has not embarked on a three-hour tour with Gilligan and the Skipper.

·         Vladimir Putin’s alter ego, Polonium Wings, is not a recurring guest on My Little Pony.

·         The semi-sentient fatbergs in the Moscow Sewers which are thought to be protecting Princess Olga, Putin’s runaway anime body pillow, have not joined forces with a martial arts master rat and formed the Teenage Mutant Fatberg Ninjas. Additionally, anyone found yelling ‘Cowabunga, dude’ will be banished to Kamchatka.

·         Despite some rumors, drawing a pentagram out of Stars Coffee beans and reciting select passages from the Necronomicon will not summon J’aunVdalez, the Hand Which Shakes. We have tried this at the studio and only succeeded at setting the carpet on fire.

·         Yesterday’s heartwarming episode of the beloved children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat, in which the hilarious and drunken cab driver Jon destroyed a railway bridge in Crimea by performing the banned ‘St. Petersburg Streamer’ sex act with an underage prostitute while under the influence of methamphetamines was not a message to The Resistance. Also, that was banned for a reason. *Shudders*

·         Sadyr Japarov, the President of Kyrgyzstan who served time in jail for taking a rival hostage and yet won his latest election with 79% of the vote, remains a steadfast ally of President Putin and any rumors that he is blackmailing the Kremlin for his country’s strategic vowel supply are false.

·         The new Russian ‘Wikipedia equivalent’ despite having some initial technical issues has been successfully launched, and now contains dozens of articles of which not all are related to My Little Pony fan fiction written by Vladimir Putin.

·         The heartwarming children’s show Blyaat the Caat does not promote violence against any individual on the basis of race, gender, color, or creed, and is a refutation of the bourgeois and capitalist dogma of economic inequality based on . . . look, I’m trying to do a news broadcast here, can you assholes in the production booth knock off the noise? I don’t care how hungry you are, I’m trying to do a show here! Shut up and I’ll have the guards shovel in some gruel after the show. *Ahem. . . economic inequality based on . . . based on . . . that’s it. We’ll be right back after this important message from our sponsors. *Cut to Stars Coffee commercial over gunshots in the background*

·         The official drinking song of the 14th Motorised Rifle Brigade is not ‘YMCA’

·         Putin's spokesperson Dmitri Peskov has not undergone asexual reproduction through mitosis after being exposed to trophies gathered from Chernobyl and begun filling the Kremlin halls with malformed offspring. As any scientifically literate person will inform you, mitosis is only a form of cellular reproduction, and when observed in complex animals the term is ‘budding.’ The exterminator crews which previously rid us of our Oompa Loompa infestation have been called and are on their way.

·         Sergey Lavrov’s previously announced lycanthropic condition has been remedied by the use of traditional folk medicine, the intercession of Patriarch Kirill of the Russian Orthodox Church, and the deployment of large quantities of catnip when the moon is full. He will, however, in the interests of discretion continue to use the litter box on the fourth floor.

·         The American HIMARS rocket artillery system is not capable of launching mutant homing bears.

·         The Pumpkin Spice Latte from Stars Coffee does not contain actual pumpkins, nor does it contain spice. It is, however, filtered through socks worn by Lance Hendriksen on the set of the 1988 horror movie Pumpkinhead. Please do not use it any demon summoning rituals.

·         Regardless of previous reporting, Russians do take a dump without a plan.

·         With economic sanctions blocking the import of Swiss Cheese, French Cheese, and American Cheese, the Ministry of Agriculture has announced plans to introduce a new Russian Cheese to the market. Lovingly constructed by grandmothers from deer milk, beets, scraps of burned Russian army uniforms, and bits of propellant from dud artillery rounds, it is said to have a pleasant nutty flavor and melt smoothly at three thousand degrees Kelvin. The Ministry hopes to announce recipes soon.

·         In spite of scaremongering by Western sources the nuclear power plant at Zaporizhzhya is operating smoothly with no serious issues whatsoever. The Russian government has introduced new leadership of the plant who describes the situation as not great, not terrible.

·         With the investigation into the death of Darya Dugina completed in record time, the crack team of investigators at the FSB have opened a query into the death of American President Abraham Lincoln. Initial evidence suggests that a Ukrainian agent was behind the assassination.

·         Vladimir Putin was not a founding member of Riverdance and did not teach Bob Ross how to paint trees.

·         Stars Coffee has announced a new 72-ounce drink size named ‘Pizdets’ and in a new promotion, if consumed on-premises within fifteen minutes, the empty cup may be exchanged for ten Skee-Ball tickets which can be redeemed for soft-serve ice cream at Tasty Period. Please note: Tasty Period is still awaiting the delivery of their soft-serve ice cream machines, and the Pizdets size cup of Stars Coffee is filled with spiders.

·         Vladimir Putin was not an original member of The Golden Girls and was not an understudy for Blanche for five seasons.

·         While it is not technically a crime against the state of Russia, whoever has been putting up ‘LOST CAT’ posters all over Moscow with Sergey Lavrov’s face on them should probably stop. Such an act of vandalism is . . . wait . . . *touches earpieceI’m . . . I’m being told that Lavrov has in fact escaped through an open window and was last spotted chasing a butterfly in the direction of the Kremlin. Handlers from the Foreign Ministry are now putting out saucers of milk in front of Smolenskaya-Sennaya Square and hope to locate him soon.

·         The classified materials our agent in America smuggled out of Mar-a-Lago at great risk by infiltrating the omelet bar staff have now made it to FSB headquarters at the Lubyanka. These will be translated and studied by our espionage experts as soon as the ketchup stains can be removed.

·         The long-running, award winning Russian variety show Surprise, Eeet Is Rock has been renewed for another season. Highlights of this season include ‘Food? Surprise, Eeet Is Rock!’ ‘First aid kit? Surprise, Eeet Is Rock!’ and the surprise twist ‘Am dying, is angel coming to save me? No, Surprise, Eeet Is HIMARS!’ Check your local listings. It is suggested that viewers wear helmets.

·         The crew of the heavy cruiser Moskva have not gone to live in a pineapple under the sea, nor are they absorbent and yellow and porous.

·         Rumors that Russian conscripts can be deep fried in vegetable oil to produce a pleasing snack have not been confirmed by extensive testing at this network. It is possible that this failure is related to the unsatisfactory quality of recent Russian conscripts, and we implore High Command to improve their recruitment process.

·         “Furious Babushka Brand Mustard” which, as we all know is not a condiment to toy with, has been detected at recent sites of partisan activity. This is of course a dangerous development and we ask all patriotic Russians to report any old women who are cackling madly while spooning evilly steaming yellow paste onto railroad tracks to their local police.

·         Reports that Russia is running out of tin are false. The tin plantations in Kamchatka are expecting a bumper crop this year, as a result of the amazing scientific discovery that the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz regenerates limbs much like a starfish, and that any severed bits will in time regrow an entirely new Tin Man. Similarly, we expect a record straw harvest this year.

·         Yesterday’s heartwarming episode of the beloved children’s show Blyaat the Caat, in which the monumentally intoxicated cab driver Jon and his foulmouthed pet feline mistakenly summoned Gozar the Gozarian and caused the destruction of Moscow by having it stomped flat by a one-hundred-foot tall extradimensional prostitute, was not a message to The Resistance.

·         Any used syringes found in the Happy Land Ball Pit at Tasty Period should be returned to the cashier. Additionally, any used condoms found in Shamrock Shakes can be washed and reused, as those are part of an upcoming cross promotion with Stars Coffee and Lada Motors. Used condoms found in tubs of Big Pyotr sauce should however be discarded.

·         Russia One Television’s upcoming ‘Would you date a Bayraktar drone’ special has been canceled due to consent issues, as it appears that none of the conscripts exploded on camera had agreed to intercourse with a bomb. Remember, Russia One’s corporate motto is ‘ask before you go bang’

·         Vladimir Putin, facing economic collapse and military defeat, has not decided to take a well-deserved vacation to Montego Bay, Jamaica, to get his groove back. He is fully capable of finding a balance in life between his unrequited love for Viktor Lukashenko and his psychotic desire to see the world burn. He will however on advice from his military strategists make an effort to wear a little black dress, drink wine, and dance like no one is watching.

·         The extremely advanced, top of line T-15 Armata tanks developed by the Russian military are being given the most comprehensive anti-anxiety therapy available, and will hopefully emerge from their safe spaces in the Urals soon. Emergency supplies of extra-large blankies have been deployed, and as long as no one says the words ‘Ukrainian farmer’ near them . . . Blyaat. Uh, never mind, there they go scurrying away again.

·         Regardless of corporate advertising, dead rent boys cannot be exchanged for Skee-ball tickets at Tasty Period. This promotional offer is only valid at Stars Coffee.

·         In fashion news, Army High Command requests that new recruits refrain from Vajazzling while in a combat area. If a conscript wishes to express their individuality, it is suggested that they instead tattoo their serial number on their head, hands, feet, legs, arms, torso, and pretty much any other body available, as this will assist identification after the inevitable artillery or HIMARS strike. Also, carrying around small packets of soy sauce in cachets around your body will help the . . . rescuers.

·         In unfortunate news, a deep cover infiltration project by the Army Research Center attempting to extract and recruit the animatronic nightmares of the Rock-afire Explosion, the Showbiz Pizza band, from their purgatory sentences in a Showbiz Pizza warehouse in Atlanta has been both a resounding success and somewhat of a failure. While the horrific monstrosities have been brought to the Army AI research center in Kamchatka, some unforeseen miscalculation has resulted in the robotic character “Billy Bob Brokali” going rogue and punching one steely fist through the head of a research student. Scientists are even now attempting to train them for combat in Ukraine, and to understand their sudden interest in the game of chess.

We will report on this situation as it develops.

·         Prior to his career as a KGB agent, Vladimir Putin did not work in the adult entertainment industry as some claim. Rumors of a lawsuit surrounding the patent ownership of a tiny dildo cast from male genitalia and named ‘Little Volodya’ are simply rumors, and the large number of polonium poisonings in the Moscow sex toy trade are unrelated.

·         In spite of efforts by the West, the economy of Russia is in perfect shape according to the latest report from Finance Minister Anton Siluanov. As plans to peg the value of the ruble to a basket of currencies including BlyaatCoin and Skee-ball tickets have worked brilliantly, the Finance Ministry has announced that the chocolate ration will be increased to twenty grams a week.

·          Yesterday’s Very Special episode of the beloved children’s show Blyaat the Caat, in which the cursing feline performed his sacred patriotic duty and enlisted in the army for the Special Military Operation in Ukraine was not a result of FSB agents storming the animation studio with guns drawn. The show’s creators have also not been threatened with gulag should any further instructions to The Resistance be broadcast.

·         To the delight of motor enthusiasts, the 2023 Lada Granta is almost here. Featuring the beloved box body shape, a purring .5 liter petrol engine, a fully automatic one speed transmission, and the ability to go from zero to sixty meters per hour in under a minute, this automobile will stun the world and stand out on the racing tracks. Delivery of the first models will commence as soon as a supply of windshield cardboard can be found.

·         Claims that Ukraine has used tactics developed by the US special operations forces to delay our grand Special Military Operation are false. All delays have been caused by one carelessly smoking soldier named Ivan who has accidently lit fires in twenty-eight separate Oblasts destroying two hundred and fifteen ammunition dumps, railway stations, command bunkers, Battalion Tactical Groups, tank divisions, airfields, and regiments of VDV paratroopers who were mid-parachute drop. Ivan has been disciplined and will be restricted to KP for the foreseeable future.

·         In further attempts to stabilize the Russian economy against the impact of Western sanctions, the Finance Ministry has announced that basket of currencies which the Ruble has been pegged against will be widened to include Beanie Babies and Pogs.

·         As the promotion of Pennywisovitch the Dancing Clown to Admiral in charge of the Black Sea Fleet has not worked out to the Kremlin’s satisfaction, the search has begun for new leadership. The Navy has reached out to the legendary Loch Ness Monster but has so far not received a response.

·         Attempts by the Army Research Center in Kamchatka to deprogram and weaponized the recently stolen animatronic characters of the ShowBiz Pizza band ‘The Rock-afire Explosion’ have faced inexplicable delays, as the ‘Earle Schmerle’ character mysteriously screamed NO DISASSEMBLE and bit the heads off of three Majors during a planned demonstration. As this event is dangerously and terrifyingly reminiscent of the recent scourge of Ivan Number Six, High Command has decided to exercise the caution and deliberate planning that is the hallmark of the Russian Army and chosen to continue the experiments without any changes or additional safety procedures whatsoever.

·         While yesterday’s debut performance of the Russian Ice Capades production “Blyaat the Caat performs The Aristocrats!” was a resounding success, future showings will be temporarily paused until some means of cleaning off the leftover blood, raw sewage, and rotting fish from the ice rink can be found. The Defense Ministry’s Research Institute has offered to try to construct some kind of giant Zamboni from a T-72 tank to address the problem.

·         Belarusian president Viktor Lukashenko did not say “Here’s looking at you, kid,” when sending a heartbroken Vladimir Putin back to Moscow after a dreamy weekend spent together. And regardless of any reports, neither one was wearing a lovely little chiffon gown by Oscar De La Renta. Anyone found in possession of those pictures will be shot.

·         Vladimir Putin’s decree banning ‘Yo Mamma’ jokes from the territory of Russia was based on the fact that such lowbrow humor is unfitting of a nation as great as ours, they are juvenile and overdone, and they have nothing to do with the rumors that his mother was in fact so stupid that she thought ‘hormones’ were the sounds she made while working.

·         The official marching song of the 112^th Combat Engineer Battalion is not “I’m a little teapot”

·         Yesterday’s feature-length presentation, Blyaat the Caat Does Dallas, in which the lovable and hilarious cab driver jon, his scabrous cat, and his pet unexploded bomb travelled back to the American city of Dallas in the year 1963 contained multiple historical inaccuracies. Notably, the American President JFK was assassinated by a gunman’s bullet, not choked to death in a tragic game of ‘two prostitutes, one cat,’ and the city of Dallas is actually in the state of Texas not New Hampshire. Additionally, one would almost certainly not survive if one attempted to mainline Drano as demonstrated by Jon.

·         The fast-food chain Tasty Period, which replaced the American chain McDonalds, has decided to discontinue the promotional offer of Conscript McNuggets after confusion has arisen regarding the origin of some of the ingredients. A company spokesman has promised that future offerings will only contain reliably sourced Szechuan Sauce packets made with organically produced beet gruel.

·         Sergey Lavrov’s previously announced lycanthropic condition brought on by a small cat bite has worsened, as during his recent escape attempt he was bitten by a rabid bat and now hangs upside down from the drapes in the conference room. Handlers have now set about finding ready supplies of small bugs to feed him and removing the cat doors that had been installed all over the Foreign Ministry building.

·         Today’s forecast for Moscow includes a high of 12 Celsius, with slight clouds, and a medium chance of oligarchs falling from windows.  The chance of rain is at 30% so be sure to take your umbrellas and hard hats with you to work.

·         Russian Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu’s latest attempt at escape by stowing away on the Artemis 1 rocket have been foiled, partly due to the scrubbing of the first mission launch attempt, and partly because the FSB team dedicated to keeping him available for blame were able to track him by his whimpering. Nice try, Sergei! Maybe next time.

·         Attempts to weaponize the liquid runoff from the Tasty Period Happy Land Ball Pit have not been successful, partially due to the viscosity and acidic properties which allow it to eat through any container not made of borosilicate glass. However, further research has demonstrated its ability to serve as an adequate dipping sauce replacement for Szechuan Sauce, so management is pleased to announce that Conscript McNuggets will be returning to the menu.

·         Vladimir Putin does not have an alter ego in the St. Petersburg BDSM scene known as ‘Doctor Spankulator’ and any similarities are simply due to the fact that the leather-clad ne’er-do-well is actually Putin’s evil twin from the Mirror Universe. For proof, one need merely look at Doctor Spankulator’s assless chaps and note that the birthmark in the shape of Rasputin is on the left buttock instead of the right.

·         “A dead sloth” is not the official mascot of the Special Military Operation in Ukraine.

·         In scientific news, a breakthrough of sorts has been made at the Military Research Center in Kamchatka, where scientists have identified the toxic lubricating oil responsible for both the scourge of Ivan Number Six, the extremely violent chess robot covered in human skin, and the Showbiz Pizza ‘Rock-afire Explosion’ band outbreak which has now claimed the lives of fourteen researchers. While the origins of this demonic lube are unknown, application of only one drop to a Bigmouth Billy Bass resulted in the animatronic singing fish leaping from the wall and disemboweling five people by powerful bites. Research is now focusing on knife-armed Roombas in the hopes that they may be more easily controlled.

·         The crew of the heavy cruiser Moskva have not been captured by alien beings and taken on a grand tour of the solar system from which they will return with messages of peace for all mankind.

·         While there is absolutely no cause for alarm, the military Research Center in Kamchatka would like all persons in the area to be on the lookout for an escaped Roomba armed with a knife and beeping menacingly. Also, any sightings of Bigmouth Billy Bass should be reported to the authorities regardless of whether or not they are currently singing or devouring anyone.

·         Western sources may wish their audiences to believe that the Russian Army has no means to reactivated the thousands of stored and obsolete tanks from their currently decayed conditions, pointing to the decades of neglect, rampant corruption, and accidental fires by a single soldier named Ivan. However, with the emergency decree of the Petropavlovsk Contingency Plan Alpha, a previously hidden stockpile of Bondo and spackle has been released to maintenance crews. The West will fear our tank armies now!

·         In unfortunate news, Sergey Lavrov’s ongoing medical challenges have increased, as in addition to his lycanthropic were-kitten and were-bat conditions, he has been afflicted with the dreaded disease Sanguinare Vampiris and is now being actively hunted by the Dawnguard. All traces of silverware and garlic have been removed from the Foreign Ministry building and a special cadre of experienced GRU agents have been assembled as a protective force, although some critics doubt their ability to rapidly mobilize in emergencies as many of them have taken arrows to the knees.

·         Vladimir Putin’s Mirror Universe arch-nemesis, Doctor Spankula, has struck again and delivered a vicious paddling to the oligarch Yevgeny Prigozhin, who has mobilized his Internet Research Agency in response. We can expect a surge of online activity following the BDSM avenger along with American Senator Lindsey Graham.

·         With the case of the assassination of Abraham Lincoln closed in record time, the crack team of investigators at the FSB have opened an investigation into the death of Archbishop of Canterbury Thomas Beckett in 1170. Initial evidence suggests that a Ukrainian agent was behind the assassination.

·         Jon, the depraved and dissolute cab driver from the heartwarming children’s show Blyaat the Caat has not been appointed as General of the Army in the Special Military Operation in Ukraine, in spite of the fact that he demonstrated leadership and strategic organizational skills superior to any other General Officer in the Russian Army when he led a group of eight underage prostitutes in a successful smash-and-grab robbery of a drug store in last night’s episode. However, Army leadership has reached out to the titular Blyaat the Caat in hopes that the scabrous, cursing feline may be persuaded to take a position of authority in the Russian Orthodox Church.

·         Vladimir Putin does not plan, in extremis, to escape to his private moon base on an onion-shaped rocket ship built into the highest dome of the Kremlin while cackling madly. Putin does not cackle. He just kind of whimpers most of the time.

·         The horde of malformed Yakov Smirnov clones, which had overrun Petropavlovsk after escaping from a secret laboratory during an experiment intended to produce an army of bioengineered super soldiers, has been eradicated. Officials in charge of the response praise the local police, the territorial defense forces, and the scientists who successfully reverse engineered the ‘In Soviet Russia’ line of jokes.

·         The crew of the heavy cruiser Moskva have not found a golden ticket and won a magical tour of the Willy Wonka Chocolate factory, although they have been given a profound education in the consequences of the decisions they have made in the past.

·         With the case of the death of Archbishop of Canterbury Thomas Beckett closed in record time, the crack team of investigators at the FSB have opened an investigation into the Cretaceous-Paleogene extinction event, in which three quarters of all plant and animal species on Earth were destroyed. Initial reports suggest that a Ukrainian agent was to blame.

·         The discorporated ghost of Twinkie the Kid has not begun appearing in the halls of the Kremlin late at night urging rapprochement with the West in order that the supply of crème-filled pastry cakes may be resumed. We have perfectly good Little Babushka Cakes right here in Moscow, even if the filling may have gone slightly off in the thirty or forty years since they were last baked.

·         The heavy cruiser Moskva was not sunk in a promotional video for a new Russian Mythbusters series. However, the pilot program will still be shown on Tuesday night, as hosts Yuri and the irascible Yakov test the myth ‘Can make vodka from rat droppings? Don’t try at home!’

·         Any rumors of mass retreat and rout among the soldiers in the Special Military Operation are untrue, and are simply individual cases of single soldiers running in terror from Doctor Spankula, the BDSM avenger. Such a thing is perfectly reasonable if one thinks about it at all.

·         The ongoing search for generals to replace those lost in Ukraine has identified several possible candidates who demonstrate the skill, initiative, and forward-thinking that the post requires. Army recruitment has attempted to reach out to John “Hannibal” Smith of the A-Team, but so far has not been able to find them to ask for help.

·         With the script rejected by the bourgeois Americans and their “Marvel Cinematic Universe” the first entry in the new, all-Russian movie series Krokodil Man: Enter the BlyaatVerse is set to premiere on Friday. Following the exploits of a patriotic Muscovite who gnawed his own feet off after being bitten by a radioactive gopnik and gained its powers, Krokodil Man fights crime with the power of industrial cleaning fluids and must save the universe from the evil Westies. This film is not yet rated.

·         Sergey Lavrov’s ongoing medical situation has sadly worsened, as after contracting lycanthropy from various animal bites and vampirism after being attacked by Lord Harkon in Volkihar Keep, he has now been punched by a mime and is currently unable to either speak or escape the invisible box he is in. Doctors at Moscow Central Hospital have in desperation contacted the legendary Mime Hunter Abraham Van Helsovitch, who has tracked the Master Mime to its hideout in Cancun. We will report on this story as it develops.

·         Rumors that the Strategic Vodka Reserves have dropped below the twenty-five billion barrel ‘danger point’ are untrue, and the government would like to remind people not to attempt to distill their own *explosion in the background        . . . vodka.

·         With the case of the Cretaceous-Paleogene extinction event closed in record time, the crack team of investigators at the FSB have opened an investigation into the horrific ‘Red Wedding’ massacre in 299 AC during the War of the Five Kings. Initial reports suggests that a Ukrainian agent was behind the killings.

·         The official marching song of the 112^th Motorized Engineering Battalion is not ‘Baby Shark.’

·         While many of the supplies for Pumpkin Spice Lattes are unavailable due to western sanctions, Stars Coffee would like you to enjoy the taste of fall with their own original Old Spice Latte. With notes of nutmeg, allspice, wood alcohol, and industrial solvents, this pleasing beverage may warm your hearts in cold weather or be used as cologne or aftershave.

·         Vladimir Putin’s spirit animal is not Doctor Robotnik.

·         Last night’s Very Special episode of the heartwarming children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat, in which the lovable rapscallion Jon gained psychic powers after drunkenly driving his cab into the runoff biohazard stream from Moscow Central Hospital, was a warning to children about the dangers of playing with medical waste. His subsequent usage of those powers to mind-control the Mother Superior of a Russian Orthodox convent and have order her nuns to become strippers was not originally in the approved script and will be investigated.

·         The official marching song of the 112^th Motorized Engineering Battalion is not the sexually explicit rap song ‘WAP.’

·         In uplifting medical news, legendary Mime Hunter Doctor Abraham Van Helsovitch has tracked down the Master Mime responsible for Sergey Lavrov’s imprisonment in an invisible box, and faced him in his lair in Cancun, Mexico. While the good doctor has suffered extensive mental trauma, the curse of Mimeism has been lifted and Lavrov is able to speak again. The fate of the Master Mime, however, remains unknown.

·          In entertainment news, the planned premiere of Krokodil Man: Enter the BlyaatVerse has been cancelled due to an ongoing series of legal threats from Troma Films, LLC., and will be hastily rewritten and edited into the semi-autobiographical Brokeback Taiga: the Passion of Putin and Lukashenko in Candyland. This editorial decision will require some additional filming, and both Steven Seagal and Gérard Depardieu have been contracted for the steamy sex scenes.

·         The Russian Football League has been forced to update their rules due to Western sanctions and the subsequent unavailability of both enema bags and scrabble tiles, and will now require all players on the field to carry a glass jar filled with bees and have a small beefsteak tied to each knee. Should any game proceed into extra innings with the score tied, the umpires will release a pack of starving dogs to speed up gameplay.

·         Russian Mythbusters hosts Yuri and Yakov have recovered from their injuries sustained while attempting to prove that vodka can be distilled from rat droppings, and will be hosting a new episode testing the myth ‘can magic codpiece protect against HIMARS missile?’ with their two new interns, Mikhail and Mikhail. We anticipate explosive results.

·         With the case of the death of Red Wedding’ massacre closed in record time, the crack team of investigators at the FSB have opened an investigation into Janet Jackson’s 2004 wardrobe malfunction. Initial reports suggest that a Ukrainian agent was to blame.

·         The events in yesterday’s episode of the beloved children’s show Blyaat the Caat, in which the monumentally inebriated Jon and his disease-ridden cat donated fourteen kidneys to needy transplant recipients, was a work of fiction and no medals will be awarded to whoever harvests the most kidneys from street gopniks. If you people would stop doing that they wouldn’t need transplants in the first place.

·         The Kremlin-supported cryptocurrency BlyaatCoin is not suffering a full valuation crash. While trading has been halted due to unforeseen technical problems with the TRS-80 backing all transactions, technicians hope to restore the exchange from backup 8” floppy disks. In the meantime, the Ministry of Finance has pegged the value to its nominal exchange rate of two Tasty Period Skee-ball tickets per BlyaatCoin.

·         Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu’s latest escape attempt has been foiled, as his attempts to emulate Steve McQueen and jump the barbed wire fence with a 1943 Russian Army motorcycle failed when the motor fell out of the vehicle. Loyal FSB agents remain watchful to ensure he will be available to accept blame when needed.

·         ‘Doctor Spankula,’ the Mirror Universe arch-nemesis of Vladimir Putin, has struck again, this time targeting Kremlin spokesperson Dmitri Peskov. Eyewitness reports that the gimp suit clad BDSM avenger delivered a brutal paddling before swinging away on a leather strap. Multiple Russian law enforcement agencies are now seeking this criminal in the name of justice, law, and private parties.

·         The procurement arm of the Russian Army is not, as some have claimed, content to simply source armaments from North Korea and Iran. Our supply officers have reached out to the forest moon of Endor in the hopes of acquiring high technology ropes and log based weapons from the Ewoks.

·         Stars Coffee would like coffee drinkers to know that their new offering for the weekend, ‘Bigass Bottle of Cheap Vodka’ has been filtered through used Kopi Gopnik coffee grounds in order to bring out the highlights of smoke, despair, and black tar heroin that are the signature of the Muscovite elite. Additionally, Stars Baristas may upsell the new ‘Pumpkin Spice Bottle of Cheap Vodka’ which is the above, but with hints of nutmeg. Stars Coffee reserves the right to replace nutmeg with aged rat droppings should supplies run low.

·         The Gold Medal award for the One Thousand Meter Drop Your Gun and Run Screaming in Terror event in the Kherson Olympics has gone to Specialist Ivan Ivanovitch, who will be given the aforementioned medal and a celebratory burial in Sevastopol should sufficient body parts be found following the artillery barrage. The Silver Medal was unfortunately melted down and stolen and will not be awarded.

·         While Western sources may report that tank production in the Russian territories has declined due to sanctions, making core components unavailable, the Ministry of Defense is proud to announce that the new T-22 Tank has ended formal development and entered production. Featuring eighteen full millimeters of high quality cast ironish-metal armor, a six gopnik-power Krokodil engine, and a lethal four-inch black powder cannon capable of firing cannon balls, grape shot, or anything else the crew can jam in there, the new T-22 is destined to strike fear into our enemies or anyone forced to crew it.

·         The Russian Army is gloriously advancing on multiple fronts, with brave soldiers waving the proud flag of Russia as they approach Moscow. President Putin’s genius plan to wear down the enemy by forcing them to spend their energy by stuffing our dead into body bags is working entirely as he has forseen, and the Ministry of Defense predicts that the Ukrainian army will be so completely slowed cataloging the supplies of broken weapons, abandoned vehicles, and unused munitions left behind that they will not be able to keep up with our troops.

·         President Putin did not hone his fighting skills in the generation combat by which leadership in the Keebler Elves organization is determined. He does, however, maintain the racial enmity with the Cookie Monster that is the mark of his kind.

·         Russian T-72 tanks do not play ‘Pop Goes the Weasel’ when struck with an anti-tank missile.

·         Our brave soldiers are not rioting and refusing to fight over the lack of supplies. They have received tactical supplies, strategic supplies, and even an extremely nasty supplies from the Ukrainians. *SquintsWait, I might be reading that wrong.

·         The crew of the Heavy Cruiser Moskva are not invisibly floating over the collapsing front at Kharkiv delivering moral judgements and pronouncements from beyond. That would be silly. That’s the Oompa Loompa’s job, and they are hard at work at the Ministry of Defense.

·         In even better news, the McRib is back at Tasty Period! With genuine bread substitute, a rich barbecue sauce over a pressed meatlike substance with actual grill shaped marks from an actual Sharpie, the McRib is sure to please all. And to celebrate, the Tasty Period Corporation is offering a free McRib Meal to all Russian Soldiers fleeing from the Special Military Operation in Ukraine.  Remember, ♪ When you’re hungry, and on the run, dodge those bullets and throw the bun! ♪

·         Contrary to some reporting, Vladimir Putin is not a Sith Lord and cannot shoot force lighting from his fingertips. He cannot force choke anyone and he lacks the ability to deliver force wedgies. He can, however, deliver a brutal Force Glare which will cause most people to reconsider drinking their tea.

·         The planned return of the Tasty Period McRib has been delayed, as due to an internal miscommunication, the last time the McRib was ‘retired’ the phrase was taken literally and the processed food patties were converted into tires for the 2022 Lada Granta. The Lada Corporation is pleased to announce that 2022 Granta achieves a higher fuel efficiency rating than expected, partly because it can slide down the road on grease.

·         The manifestation of Gritty which has taken residence in the center of Putin’s enormous conference table has in the past twenty-four hours grown exponentially and now encompasses a volume approaching that of a large, mocking blimp. All efforts to remove him have so far failed, and attempts to have him dragged out by a tank have been stymied due to the fact that no tanks are currently available, as most have been abandoned in Ukraine.

·         CNN's Wolf Blitzer, secretly a deep-cover Spetznaz assassin waiting for the signal to strike, was not recently activated by the code words ‘Missing White Girl’ and did not go on a brutal killing spree which cost the lives of fourteen production staff. This was simply a suggestion by the FSB on how they might improve their ratings.

·         Last night’s heartwarming episode of the beloved children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat, in which the irascible and diseased cat vomited an evilly steaming hairball into the buffet line at the Kremlin cafeteria causing a virulent outbreak of Kuru disease among the staff, was not a message to The Resistance. Additionally, if we do ever find out who caused the outbreak of spongiform encephalopathy at the Duma, we will have strong words.

·         Claims that Sergey Lavrov has succumbed to some form of zombism from the nefarious deeds of a Ukrainian Vodou Bokor who has captured his soul in a small jar are false, as no evidence has suggested that any of the high ranking members in the government possess a soul in the first place. Additionally, the claims of zombie-like behavior among the Kremlin staff is more likely due to an outbreak of Kuru disease from tainted food in the cafeteria. It is suggested that critical staff avoid the Mystery Dumplings for the next few days, until we get that sorted out.

·         Vladimir Putin was not a founding member of the Scooby Doo gang, and did not send Fred, Shaggy, and Scooby in the Mystery Machine to the front lines of the Special Military Operation in Ukraine as revenge for a falling out. However, if Scrappy Doo is ever located, we can all rest easily knowing that he will be executed on the spot.

·         The official marching song of the VDV paratroop’s 56th Guards Air Assault Regiment is not ‘Hallelujah, it’s raining men.’ *touches earpiece* wait, I’m being informed that it actually . . . let’s move on.

·         While some sources have mocked the prediction that our Special Military Operation in Ukraine would be a new Sputnik Moment, all honest observers must admit that our military might has flexed and created a lot of smoke and beeping noises. True, some of those come from vehicles backing up, but it has also led to a technological revolution in Russia, in which our brilliant scientists have learned to construct many new devices from parts from stolen Ukrainian washing machines.

·         With the impact of Western sanctions beginning to have some small effect on the Russian economy and with tourist visas threatened throughout the world, industrious thinkers have embarked on a new wave of internal Russian tourism offerings, starting with the Mystery Hole at Sevastopol. As the advertisement says: “Come, see the Mystery Hole! Where did it come from? Why is it smoking? Why are there pieces of an Su-34 all around it? It’s up to you to decide!”

·         Rumors that Ukrainian forces have captured the Starship Enterprise after it was abandoned by Russian troops are false. Federation military units are not currently in use in the theatre of operations. In the same vein, the fourteen Klingon Birds of Prey that were recently lost were simply set on fire by accident by that careless private Ivan on a smoke break.

·         Last night’s heartwarming episode of the beloved children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat, in which the lovable drunk cab driver Jon ingested two kilograms of cocaine and then had a religious experience involving a Supreme Lobster Being, was not intended to found a new Lobster Cult in Moscow. Any citizens found pinching each other will be fined. *Pause* Also, Praise Llama.

·         Shrapnel from American HIMARS rockets cannot be used as an aphrodisiac and will not guarantee an erection. Additionally, if your HIMARS rocket lasts for more than four hours, seek medical attention.

·         The ongoing outbreak of zombism among Kremlin staff has come to an end due to a complete lack of the zombie’s favorite food, leading to eventual starvation. Any Kremlin janitorial staff or food service workers who are seen shambling around are probably just hopped up on krokodil again.

·         The deepfake video of a ghostly Ramzan Kadyrov guiding Vladimir Putin’s hands as he makes a ceramic pot on a pottery wheel, while romantic, was simply a CIA ploy attempting to drive a wedge between Putin and his true love, Belarussian President Viktor Lukashenko. Rumors that the two are enduring a vicious quarrel are untrue, as are reports that Putin has spent the last week ugly crying to Morrissey songs instead of attending military planning sessions.

·         Praise Lobster! May his tentacles fend off HIMARS tockets.

·         The Russian army has not had a fight with Triangle Man and lost.

·         Vladimir Putin is not haunted to distraction by a cloud of cartoonish Shiba Inu dogs who float above his head at all times. Likewise, he is not disturbed by the silent figure of Gritty on his conference table, the ghosts of crew of the heavy cruiser Moskva which have taken over his shower and bathtub, or the scourge of mocking Oompa-Loompas which leap out of doorways and closets as he passes by. He is above such trivialities, and today he will spend all daylight hours crying in his office for other reasons, which mostly involve horrific prophesies given by three Weird Sisters in the Kremlin cafeteria staff.

·         The white-robed religious observers carrying giant lobster claws who overran the seafood market in Central Moscow Last night, freeing all lobsters and releasing them into the Moscow sewers, have been detained. As no central leadership figure has been identified, individual Lobster Cultists were each fined sixteen BlyaatCoin to cover the damages. The fate of the lobsters themselves remains unknown, as no searchers are willing to enter the sewers after the demise of the ill-fated search teams who went in to find Princess Olga, Putin’s semi-sentient anime body pillow. We will continue to report on this story as it develops. Praise Lobster!

·         Sergey Lavrov’s medical woes continue, as while he has been freed from the curse of Mimeism by Doctor van Helsingovitch he has instead been cursed by the gods with the ability to see the future but never tell anyone what he sees. His condition remains somewhat different from the legendary Cassandra’s Curse: where Cassandra was cursed to never be believed, Lavrov is only able to point at Vladimir Putin and howl with laughter, unable to speak. Doctors at Central Hospital are researching Greek Mythology in hopes of identifying a cure.

·         Reports that the Russian Army has been forced by necessity to recruit soldiers from prisons and work gangs are untrue. This is a terrible lie being spread by unpatriotic traitors all across Russia. In other news, the Army has unveiled their new uniform for the Special Military Operation in Ukraine, consisting of fashionable black and white stripes and a ball and chain useful for preventing unnecessary retreats. Should additional troops be needed, special winter uniforms consisting of warm and rugged wheelchairs or crutches may be issued.

·         With the economic sanctions tightening around Russia, many citizens have been forced to take on second jobs, and it has turned out that many of the medical professionals at Moscow Central Hospital have begun taking shifts at the auto repair center across the street.  It is believed that this is what led to the unfortunate mix-up wherein a 2014 Lada Granta belonging to a Miss Sasha Zakharova was given a treatment to remove a Cassandra curse, and Sergey Lavrov had his fluids topped off, his belts tightened, and his hands and feet rotated. In good news, however, the Lada is running better than ever and Foreign Minister Lavrov will not require servicing for another five thousand miles.

·         The Russian Army was not defeated in battle by Jar Jar Binks.

·         The planned meeting between President Vladimir Putin and Chinese Premiere Xi Jinping was maintained in accordance to all diplomatic norms, and at no time did Jinping demand that Putin dance and sing a sea shanty for his enjoyment. Additionally, economic negotiations proceeded as planned, and shrewd bargaining has resulted in China continuing to buy Russian oil at four cents on the dollar. The ceremonial gift exchange also went off without a hitch, with Putin receiving a peg leg, hook, and pirate hat, and Jinping being given a large pot of honey.

·         Despite rumors of hundreds of Russian vehicles being abandoned on the rout in Ukraine, the truth is that our crews were planning to come right back and had even put hotel towels on each driver’s seat in the universal sign of ‘this seat is taken.’ Unfortunately, the Ukrainian Army chose to ignore this tradition, and even now refuses to give us our tanks back.

·         Authorities are now threatening a crackdown on the growing Lobster Cult in Moscow, as branches have spread to both St. Petersburg and Sochi, and lobster-based vandalism incidents have risen across the nation. The National Aquarium in Sochi has been taken over by white-robed cultists and St. Petersburg University has reported a break-in of their library, as an unknown criminal appears to have attempted to steal the ancient and esoteric grimoire known as the Lobsternomicon. While any attempts to access such a dread lore are fraught with cosmic dangers, the Russian Government would like all citizens to know that our defense of the planet from extradimensional beings will be taken with the care and skill that we apply to all things Russian. *cough* In other news, two more ammunition supply dumps near the Ukraine front were accidentally set on fire by a careless soldier named Ivan. He will be disciplined.

·         Doctor Spankula, Vladimir Putin’s Mirror Universe arch-nemesis, is not assembling a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude to attack Moscow. Should such a thing occur, rest assured the FSB has plans to infiltrate his mountain fortress.

·         In an unfortunate mixup, Sergey Lavrov’s planned colonoscopy was carried out at the Tsaritsynskiy mine instead of Moscow Central Hospital, and in lieu of the correct instruments a small quantity of ANFO explosive was utilized for the procedure. Doctors on-site were both able to declare him completely free of any concerning colorectal issues and to re-attach his legs once finished. His prostate exam has been scheduled for the following week when the hospital’s mechanical drain snake will be out of the shop.

·         The Russian Army was not defeated by a ragtag band of K-Pop stans.

·         The newly developed T-22 Tank which was recently deployed to the Special Military Operation was not immediately abandoned and dragged off by a Ukrainian tractor, and it was not mistaken for a militarized carnival ride by the CIA who examined it. Reports that those CIA agents were forced to receive medical treatment after being showered by asbestos and broken glass from the reactive armor bags are however true.

·         While it is true that a masked cultist successfully infiltrated the library at St. Petersburg University and recited some passages from the closely guarded Lobsternomicon, the individual was luckily unable to correctly pronounce the words of doom from the demon summoning passages, and chanted ‘KLAATU BARADA Nmmph’ instead of the correct ‘KLAATU BARADA NICTO!’ *Ominous explosion in the background* Uh, we’ll be right back after these messages.

·         Vladimir Putin does not have his stools collected when on travel out of any fear that the West might study them to learn about his health conditions. He is as healthy as a bear and has no fear of who knows this. Rather, he is collecting his poo at his official dacha and plans to build a poop man for his attempt to win the Guinness World Record of ‘largest pile of human excrement in the shape of a person’ which is currently held by American Senator Ted Cruz.

·         Rumors that a hell portal to the aquatic nightmare city of Lobstrosa was inadvertently opened by this news program are false. Lobstrosa is of course the seat of the fictional Ancient Thing Ska’naag, called ‘It which devours by claw’ by its chanting adherents, and no such being exists or is currently laying waste to the Evropeysky Shopping Center at Kiyevsky Station. Authorities would like all citizens to avoid the area while nothing happens, and would like everyone to know that it was the fault of the cleaning crew, not me. *Pause* Praise Lobster!

·         Steven Seagal was not banned for life from Cracker Barrel after an incident involving drugs and drunken racist slurs. Honestly, if you’ve ever been to Cracker Barrel you know they wouldn’t kick you out for that. He simply overstayed his welcome at the buffet.

·         Ukrainian forces have not captured and handed over a new, top secret, cutting edge electronic warfare system to the Americans. It was a shipping container filled with used pinball machine parts. Cutting edge pinball parts, to be sure, but the point stands.

·         Last night’s heartwarming episode of the beloved children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat, in which the hilarious and dissolute cab driver Jon smoked so much methamphetamine that he was able to run around the earth fast enough to rewind time to the Fall of Berlin in 1945, was appreciated by all. However, authorities wish citizens to avoid making new ‘Downfall’ parody videos, as those are beginning to hit a bit too close to home here in the Kremlin. That is all.

·         The extradimensional entity known as Ska'naag, or 'It which devours by claw,' which was previously summoned by an accidental reading of the Lobsternomicon is continuing its destruction of the Evropeysky Shopping Center in the heart of Moscow, and was last seen heading towards the food court after having utterly destroyed the last remaining open Hot Topic store in Russia. A military cordon has been established in the hopes of keeping it at bay should it choose to leave the mall, and spontaneous demonstrations have been arranged to celebrate the President's wisdom in causing two thirds of the stores in the mall to be closed due to western sanctions, greatly reducing the death and destruction from the "Lobster Event."

·         With the success of the Iranian Suicide Drone program making headlines around the world, Russian Army Research has decided to explore the technology and produce domestic variants, starting with the RLHG, or remote launched homing gopnik. This is a planned high-speed land attack munition powered by an Adidas track suit and fueled with kvass.

·         The Kremlin backed cryptocurrency BlyaatCoin has suffered a significant valuation loss as computer scientists have found a flaw in the implementation, causing it to drop from a high of twenty-eight thousand BlaatCoin to the ruble to one hundred and seventeen thousand BlyaatCoin to the ruble. It is hoped that the BlyaatCoin exchange, which resides on a TRS-80 computer, can be upgraded to run on a stolen Ukrainian washing machine.

·         In entertainment news, tonight's feature length presentation on Russia One Television of Blyaat the Caat Crucifies Garfield will be delayed due to last minute editorial demands by child psychologists and instead a new episode of Russian Mythbusters will be shown, as Yuri and Yakov attempt to bust the myth 'Can Potato Atom be Split with explosives?' In other news, residents of the Biryulovo Vostochnoye district are recommended to wear helmets and stay indoors around 8 PM Moscow time.

·         The official marching song of the 114th motorized rifle battalion is no longer 'The Thong Song' by Sisqo. Sadly, they were annihilated during the retreat from Kharkiv and the song has now been claimed by the 87th Paratroop Brigade. Memorial services will be held next Thursday.

·         The secret plan by the United States to devastate Asia by destroying German chemical giant BASF in order to allow the United Kingdom to maintain dominance over France and Germany is . . . okay, who's been putting LSD in the writer's room coffee pot again? It's not funny. Stop that.

·         Vladimir Putin has never ridden a Ritz cracker.

·         Russian Dressing is not simply Italian Dressing that was stolen from Ukraine.

·         The management of the Tasty Period Corporation, in an effort to attract young Russians to the franchise, has embarked on a program to create new mascots similar to Ronald McDonald, Grimace, or the Hamburglar. Having sent their best creative minds to a week-long getaway in the Urals with a large quantity of bathtub vodka we are pleased to introduce General McBorscht, Conscript McNugget, and Oozy, the gelatinous slime found at the bottom of the Happy Playtime Ball Pit. It is hoped that this attachment to the younger generation will boost sales, at least with the ones not being blown up in Ukraine.

·         Rumors that soldiers employed in the Special Military Operation in Ukraine are threatened with death should they retreat are false. No political commissars or noncommissioned officers are standing behind the troops with machine guns, ready to mow down any soldier who turns and runs in the face of the Army of Ukraine, and anyone found spreading these viscous slanders will be accused of cowardice and executed on the spot. *Machine gun fire in the distance* Meanwhile, our brave army continues to advance in the direction of Moscow.

·         The dimensionally travelling Lobster Kaiju known as Ska'naag, or 'It which devours by claw,' last seen destroying a Hot Topic store in the Evropeysky Shopping Center in Moscow, has breached the last lines of defense set up by the Russian Army and attacked the food court. Hopes that Bearzilla may be summoned from his rest at the bottom of a radioactive swamp in order to save humanity, or at least the few open stores left in the mall, are slim as he remains exhausted from his previous fights with Rodan, Mothra, and Mecha Baba Yaga. A desperate plea has gone out for any scholar able to read Ancient Kandarian and translate the Lobsternomicon to unsummon the demonic crustacean.

·         Despite some reports, Russia is not forcibly conscripting instructors from military academies into active service as soldiers. Such a move would be utterly catastrophic and ensure that any future mobilizations or recruitments would be untrained, as our soldiers would lose the institutional experience that a modern army depends on. We are instead recruiting from correctional institutions and sending them in to battle completely untrained because we recruited our military instructors from mental institutions. Those teachers will continue to instruct new officers every day of the week except Monday, which is pudding day.

·         Due to the rampant success our army has achieved in the Special Military Operation in Ukraine, the Finance Ministry has announced that the chocolate ration will be increased to ten grams a week.

·         The effort to stem the ongoing destruction of the Evropeysky Shopping Center food court by the extradimensional lobster called Ska'naag, or 'It which devours by claw,' has been slowed by the gathering of a massive crowd of white-robed Lobster Cultists who are now constantly chanting 'Praise Lobster! Iä! Iä! Lobster fhtagn!' With the latest casualty of the crustacean's rampage being the complete trampling of the last Sbarro Pizza in Russia, authorities have vowed to pull out all stops and end the monster's reign of terror. As such, an emergency gathering of linguists and occult scholars have put in tremendous effort to translate the demon banishing spells from the Lobsternomicon, and have successfully tested them again former American senior political advisor Stephen Miller. Hopes are high that a resolution can soon be found.

·         Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu's attempt at escaping by flying away with Peter Pan to join the Lost Boys has been foiled by loyal FSB agents, who took away his children's books and refuse to tell him any further bedtime stories.

·         Russian Army Research has reported that the first attempted deployment of the Remote Launched Homing Gopnik system was unsatisfactory, and efforts will be made to ensure the quality of the materials used in the manufacturing of the munitions by applying a 'Heels on the ground, comrade found, heels in the sky, Western spy' test.

·         Vladimir Putin’s partial mobilization of reservists is not, contrary to Wester reporting, an escalation of the Special Military Operation in Ukraine. He is simply and out of the goodness of his heart giving of our war wounded and disabled a brand new mobility scooter. Should any doubts remain, please ask yourself: can a wounded veteran on a Rascal go up an escalator? Of course not, they have to take an elevator. The newly formed Hoveround Battalions will be assigned to the Crimean front.

·         The Russian army in Karkiv Oblast was not routed by an army of Ents summoned by Gandalf the White. Those were technically huorns and any student of the Tolkien Legendarium would correct you.

·         Vladimir Putin’s televised speech was not delayed due to any internal politics, external threats, or apprehension among the ruling classes. He simply found out in advance that Yevgeny Prigozhin was going to wear the same pink chiffon dress and feathered boa that he had long planned for, and such a thing simply could not be allowed to happen, now could it? Modern Russia may be a kleptocratic authoritarian sponsor of terrorism, but goodness, we understand the importance of making a fashion statement.

·         Segey Lavrov’s ongoing medical crises have continued, with the elder statesman now suffering an acute attack of Alpaca Pox. While doctors of the Moscow Central Hospital are unable to completely describe the disease, its symptoms, effects, or come up with any kind of treatment, they have been able to collect a significant amount of high quality Alpaca fleece.

·         Rumors that Russian citizens are fleeing in droves to escape Putin’s war efforts are false. While some people may be leaving the country out of cowardice, the Kremlin recognizes that those people are not true Russians, and only True Russians will fight for Mother Russia. The Kremlin has further announced the deployment of weapons-grade Tu Quoque, Straw Man, Ipse Dixit, and Ad Hominem fallacies.

·         In better news, an opportunity has presented itself at the Battle of Evropeysky Shopping Center, as Ska’naag, called ‘It which devours by claw’ appears to have become sickened after utterly destroying the food court’s “Tasty Period” outlet and drinking a large quantity of imitation Szechuan sauce. While no one outside of the corporation is entirely sure what the sauce may consist of, Ska’naag has retreated to the Happy Playtime Ball Pit and continues to emit foul gasses as if suffering from severe intestinal distress. Elements of the 56^th Chemical Warfare Battalion are suiting up in MOPP gear to move in.

·         In spite of the ridiculous claims of Western spies, Vladimir Putin is completely informed of the situation on the ground in his Special Military Operation in Ukraine. While he does not personally use the internet, or listen to news, or visit the front, or talk to any soldiers, or have any trusted advisors who are brave enough to tell him unpleasant truths, he has assembled a crack team of prognosticators trained at Trump University to keep him informed, and he is happy to hear that his stalwart troops are currently advancing towards Barsoom, Mars. He remains upbeat that the Martian Princess will be rescued any day now.

·         Last night’s heartwarming episode of the beloved children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat, in which the lovable rapscallion Jon butt-chugged diesel fuel and then drove his taxi filled with dead hookers into a Russian army recruitment center destroying it completely, was almost certainly a message to the resistance and will be investigated thoroughly. The Russian State cannot allow valuable diesel fuel to be wasted in that manner.

·         Vladimir Putin has not been cursed by an evil witch to be a Russian Matryoshka nesting doll of incompetence with an infinite array of smaller and more malignant dwarfs inside each other. That idea just doesn’t make any sense at all. *Touches earpiece* Wait, I’m being told . . . uh, let’s move on.

·         The Finance Ministry has announced that, in celebration of Vladimir Putin’s call for the mobilization of three hundred thousand reservists, the chocolate ration will be increased to two grams per week.

·         The extradimensional lobster known as Ska’naag, or ‘It which devours by claw’ continues to emit foul gasses and moan in the shattered remains of the Evropeysky Shopping Center’s food court after having devoured imitation Szechuan sauce from Tasty Period. While the effort to banish the demonic being back to the dim city of Lobstrosa continue, the gathered Lobster Cultists outside the military cordon appear to be preparing a ceremonial sacrifice of Pepto Bismol and anti-acid pills. With damages to the mall complex now estimated at ten to the ten to the fourteenth BlyaatCoin, it is hoped that a solution will soon be found.

·         Rumors that Doctor Spankula, Vladimir Putin’s Mirror Universe BDSM Arch-Nemesis, has been captured are sadly false. It is true that he was caught, handcuffed, gagged, tied to a wall, and strip searched, but at that point he became so visibly aroused that no FSB agent was willing to have any contact with him other than to call in Olga Olgavolvitch from Accounting, who was known to enjoy such things. Unfortunately, in the time it took to find strong enough physical restraints, the two physically and sexually defeated all watchers and eloped. We wish the happy couple the best of luck in the future. Administration has also called in additional teams of janitorial service workers to clean up the resulting mess, which has rendered the third floor stairwell unusable.

·         The Russian army in Karkiv Oblast was not defeated by a combined army of men, elves, dwarves, and eagles at the Lonely Mountain, although that battle of five armies serves as yet another demonstration of the West’s recklessness is removing a stabilizing power which had kept the region peaceful for years.

·         It is unfair and wrong to claim that Vladimir Putin’s origins involve dressing up as the bearded lady at the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus and escaping by fleeing on a unicycle, as that was Dmitry Peskov. Putin’s origins involve goats and test tubes and a mysterious ‘Coproration X’ rumored to be headquartered in Raccoon City.

·         The Finance Ministry has announced that, in celebration of progress in the Special Military Operation in Ukraine, the chocolate ration will be increased to negative five grams per week. All citizens are expected to bring chocolate or chocolate-like substances to the Ministry at once.

·         The efforts to banish the lobster demon known as Ska’naag, or ‘It which devours by claw’ have been derailed by academic infighting among the scholars researching the Lobsternomicon, as faculty from St. Petersburg Eldritch University have apparently pranked the faculty from the Occult University of Volgograd by summoning an jellyfish demon and hiding it in the punch bowl in the faculty lounge. As the traditional rivalry between the two institutions of higher education demands, the offended parties have now begun wearing flounder hats as a sign of protest. We will continue to report on this story should it begin to make any sense at all.

·         Vladimir Putin’s attempt at winning the ‘largest pile of human excrement shaped like a person’ Guinness World Record, by collecting his own poo and sculpting it into human shape in the Kremlin courtyard, has sadly come to an end. Just as he was spackling on the finishing touches, a magical top hat flew in on the wind and gave life to his Poo Man, who skipped and danced down the road towards St. Petersburg followed by screaming children and vomiting adults.  A street cleaning crew has been dispatched to mop up the unholy footprints, and Putin has retired to his rooms, furious that American Senator ‘Ted’ Cruz can keep his title for now. The whereabouts of ♪‘Vasily, the Poo Man’♪ are currently unknown.

·         Sergey Lavrov’s ongoing medical woes have reached a new level, as he has now contracted the previously unknown ‘Lavrov Disease,’ named after him as no one has ever seen anything like it before. While details are scarce, it is known that the professionals of Moscow Central Hospital are supplying him with a daily quantity of hay and removing a large number of baby goats from his office.

·         Vladimir Putin was not a founding member of the Puerto Rican boy band Menudo, and he was not a songwriter of any significance for their act. In fact, he has had no employment in the entertainment industry following the cancellation of his magnum opus, the television series My Mother the Car, which was a decision he still bitterly resents.

·         The Finance Ministry has announced that, in light of the quality of chocolate rations being delivered to the Ministry, the chocolate ration will be decreased to five grams per week. As it turns out, a large number of citizens chose to interpret ‘chocolate like substance’ in a way unintended by anyone there and they now have a large pile of manure which needs disposal.

·         Last night’s heartwarming episode of Blyaat the Caat, in which the lovable and dissolute cab driver Jon snorted hydraulic fluid and was forcibly conscripted into the army before being saved by his disease-ridden cat who was vomiting half-digested bats in the recruitment office, was not a signal to The Resistance. Honestly, if it were, I wouldn’t know what that would even mean.

·         Rumors that Vladimir Putin has uploaded his consciousness into a sexbot with an AK-47 in place of a penis are false, as are reports that he is a Decepticon who can transform into a 1982 Lada Granta. He is neither a robophile nor a robot himself, although technically he has transformed Russia into a . . . *sound of pistol cocking* Moving on.

·         The ongoing Special Military Operation in Ukraine was not caused by the Ukrainians digging too greedily and too deep and awakening a Balrog.

·         The crowd of chanting and worshipping Lobster Cultists who have been intoning ‘Lobster Ftagn’ outside Evropeysky Shopping Center for the past week has grown, imperiling the ability of security forces to maintain order. The military cordon around the food court has been penetrated in several places, as white-robed Lobster Cultists have broken through carrying cases of Tasty Period Szechuan sauce or Stars Coffee Gopnik Spice Lattes as tributes or sacrifices to Ska’naag, the extradimensional lobster being which is currently in extreme gastric distress in the Happy Land Funtime Ball Pit. Should the occult scholars studying the Lobsternomicon fail to find a spell capable of sending the beast back to the dim city of Lobstrosa, General Army Staff has announced plans to send in Steven Seagal to engage in hand-to-hand combat. It is believed that no matter how things turn out with that plan, any film we capture of the fight will end up with higher ratings than his last few direct-to-streaming video efforts.

·         The Ministry of Culture would like to remind all television watchers that last night’s episode of Russian Mythbusters, in which Yuri and Yakov attempted to bust the myth ‘can you escape forcible conscription by having your arm gnawed off by street Gopniks’ was prefaced with a “Don’t try this at home” message for a reason.

·         Production of the new T-22 tank, previously stalled by difficulties in acquiring needed components due to the ongoing Western sanctions has been restarted, the Ministry of Production reports. In a rare stroke of luck, an apartment in Moscow was found to be occupied by a hoarder who had died after their piles of old newspaper and cat-pee-stained cardboard boxes collapsed on them, and the material was found to have exactly the qualities tank designers were looking for composite armor. It is hoped that new T-22 tanks will reach the front shortly, and that the roaches and cat litter in the armor will add extra layers of protection for our soldiers.

·         Vladimir Putin did not choose to invade Ukraine after learning that Carly Simon’s smash hit “You’re So Vain” was not about him and that her follow-up single “You’re Insane” actually was.

·         In an effort to reduce economic dependency on other nations, the Ministry of Technology has been given the go-ahead to create a brand new operating system for Russian users. The initial offering of Moscowsoft Doors bears no resemblance to any other operating system in existence, and the name was focus-group chosen after observing that most canny professionals in tall buildings in Moscow try to stay as far away from windows as possible.

·         Blyaat the Caat fans rejoice! The Ministry of Culture has decided to promote tourism by opening the first all-Russian theme park based on the lovable children’s cartoon. In BlyaatLand visitors may ride Jon’s cab in the Terrorcoaster, see a hilarious song and dance routine at Jon’s favorite detox clinic, catch strange and hilarious diseases with Blyaat, and explode with Opo, the googly-eyed unexploded bomb! Note that park administration cannot ensure when explosions will go off or what exactly will blow up, as those special effects are controlled by The Resistance. Bring the whole family!

·         According to local reports, at 10.15 Moscow Time last night, the military cordon surrounding Evropeysky Shopping Center was completely broken after a rumor was maliciously that a new shipment of boots had arrived and that soldiers on duty could be issued something other than birchbark clogs if they raced to the quartermaster’s office. In the ensuing confusion, a mass of Lobster Cultists bearing wicker baskets full of Tums poured into the shattered food court and presented them to Ska’naag, the intestinally afflicted demonic lobster. However, this plan appears to have been poorly thought out, as it turns out that lobsters are incapable of burping, and after devouring cultists and Tums alike, the giant crustacean simply exploded. Cleanup crews are heading to the scene now with buckets of drawn butter and Old Bay seasoning.

·         The Russian army in Karkiv oblast was not defeated in battle by a Rust Monster from Dungeons and Dragons. The rust on the abandoned and destroyed tanks was naturally occurring.

·         In tech news, the Ministry of Technology has released the first version of their new, wholly original operating system MoscowSoft Doors, and has now embarked on the creation of a fully AI virtual assistant, MoscowSoft Bobovitch. As development has progressed beyond the point where the AI would upon activation simply scream ‘OH GOD WHY, WHY ME’ and delete itself, MoscowSoft Bobovitch is anticipated to make its appearance in homes, boardrooms, torture dungeons, and everywhere that Russian people can be found. Wait, was that actually in the script? *Flipping pages* Uh, yeah, it was. Okay, moving on.

·         No deaths occurred on the opening day of BlyaatLand and the only illnesses reported were experienced during the Tunnel of Diseases ride, in which park goers take a whimsical ride through Blyaat the Caat’s large intestine to try to identify some of the things the lovable feline has eaten over the years. Emergency crews will however be on hand for the grand opening of the Log Flume ride, as Cast Members dressed as underage prostitutes will be throwing buckets of various liquids at riders to simulate some of the high points of last season. Management requests that all visitors have their immunizations completely up-to-date.

·         The Moscow Wastewater Management department would like all citizens to ignore any strange creaks, screams, explosions, demonic or occult chanting, hideous beings, flesh-eating vapors, or mathematically impossible curvatures of space-time which might sometimes be emanating or escaping from the sewers around Moscow proper. Considering all the weird shit that’s been flushed down there lately, this is to be expected. The Administration would like all citizens to know that a crack brigade of plumbers, spelunkers, exorcists, and theoretical mathematicians has been dispatched to . . .  *explosion and screams in the distance*  The Administration would like all citizens to know that a new crack brigade of plumbers, spelunkers, exorcists, and theoretical mathematicians will be dispatched as soon as is possible.

·         The official battle cry of the 1^st Guards Tank army is not “But I poop from there”

·         While some might argue against ‘wokeness’ in the armed services, the Russian Army High Command would like all to know that our soldiers do not discriminate on the basis of race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, or political affiliation, and can be killed by just about anybody. The Russian Army is an equal-opportunity target.

·         MoscowSoft Bobovitch, the Artificial Intelligence under development by the Ministry of Technology, has been dealt a setback as it inadvertently connected to the internet and immediately downloaded sixteen terabytes of NAFO Shiba Inu dog memes. Attempts to correct the issue by balancing out the neural net inputs with an equal amount of pro-Russian shill posts from the Internet Research Agency have failed, and the AI was forcibly reset after the sheer weight of cognitive dissonance caused the server room to undergo gravitational collapse and punch through the fabric of space-time into another plane of existence. Research will continue once the dimensional anomalies are sorted out and another bank of 1950’s era IBM mainframes can be sourced.

·         The opening week of BlyaatLand has shown stellar ticket sales, with visitors coming from all over northwestern Moscow to take a meth-addled ride in Jon’s cab in the Terrorcoaster or visit the trash-strewn back alley where the legendary crime-fighter Krokodil Man had his origins. Park management however would like to request that all visitors take steps to ensure that they leave with the same number of fingers and arms as they came in with whenever possible. Complimentary takeout bags from Tasty Period are available on request to help with this if needed.

·         Doctor Spankula, Vladimir Putin’s Mirror-Universe BDSM arch-nemesis, has struck again, shattering the front windows of Dmitry Peskov’s office in the Kremlin with a volley of shots from his dildo gun. An urgent call has been put out by the FSB to arrest this criminal, and by Army High Command to commandeer the dildo gun as it’s probably a more effective weapon than anything they have left at this point.

·         There has been no invasion of carnivorous manatees blown in to Moscow by Hurricane Ian. Manatees cannot survive in this climate, and anyway they all appear to respond to ‘Olga’ or ‘Boris.’ Please do not feed them or give them money if you find them wallowing in the street.

·         The Russian Army in Kharkiv oblast was not routed by a single red-shirted Star Trek crewman with a tricorder.

·         Stars Coffee has, sadly, been forced to discontinue the loved Gopnik Spice Latte offering due to a shortage of street Gopniks, most of whom have been forcibly conscripted and sent to Ukraine. Corporate management has stated the spicy drink will return once new . . . workers can be imported from the far eastern regions.

·         Despite western claims, the Nordstream-1 pipeline was not destroyed by Russian forces. We have evidence that it could have been done by the Americans, the Finns, the Poles, the Ukrainians, the Reverse Vampires, the Army of the Twelve Monkeys, the Army of the Fourteen Tree Sloths, Sloth from The Goonies, or Vasily the Poo Man in a fit of anger. We will continue to report on this story as it develops.

·         Tragedy has struck in the opening week of BlyaatLand as the Terrorcoaster has suffered a significant anomalous event, in which a roller coaster car made to look like Jon’s cab from Blyaat the Caat left the tracks at high speed at the top of the first loop, achieved two hundred feet of altitude and then fell into the Blyaat the Caat Box kiddie sandbox with all passengers inside screaming in terror. Park officials would like all park goers to know the fault with the ride has been identified, and the ride will be returned to operation as soon as new washing machine parts can be imported from Ukraine. In better news, youngsters at play in the Blyaat the Caat Box now have the opportunity to dig up brand new toys and surprises.

·         Rumors that Vladimir Putin has been, with assistance from the FSB Science Directorate, growing a massive eggplant in his office in the Kremlin are false. Putin is the terrifying specter of death itself and cannot grow an eggplant of any size. In fact, his eggplant is so small that . . . *touches earpiece* Are you guys sure you checked this with English speakers so it wouldn’t be taken as any innuendo or anything? Really? Okay. Moving on.

·         Stars Coffee, facing the impending lack of coffee beans due to Western sanctions and considering their market base, has expanded their menu to include alcoholic drinks, and their legions of trained baristas are now offering  'Blyaaaaaat,' 'Blyaat,' and 'Cyka Blyaat' sized takeout cups of premium vodka. Additionally, as Western sanctions have impacted potato harvests, premium vodka may be temporarily replaced with fermented beet juice. Also, as Western sanctions have impacted beet harvests, fermented beet juice may be temporarily replaced with bathtub kerosene. Note: Stars Coffee Management retains the right to replace bathtub kerosene with runoff from the Moscow Central Hospital burn unit laundry service. ♪Stars Coffee: That Great Taste That Memories are Made From! ♪

·         The Russian army was not defeated in Kharkiv oblast by a small cat with an “I love Sprinkles” collar who defeated all military countermeasures and slew the proudest of our warriors. Although, honestly, if you read the battlefield reports, that cat was a demon spawn that would stop at nothing and leave no survivors in its hellish quest to have its chin skritched over and over. We are lucky that anyone survived at all.

·         In Kaiju news, the planned deployment of Mecha Baba Yaga 2.0 has been delayed due to the difficulty in sourcing XXXXXXXXL chicken knees as a result of Western sanctions. Efforts are even now being made to infiltrate the senior home of King Ghidra to find out if dinosaur legs can be reversed as a stopgap measure. It is hoped that Bearzilla, protector of the Slavs, can be lulled into sleep by a ring of dancing gopniks long enough for the experimental modifications to take place.

·         Roscosmos has announced that Corporal Ivan Ivanovich has been promoted to Cosmonaut following the latest successful launch of their experimental rocket system theoretically capable of achieving low earth orbit using only the force generated by an exploding T-72 turret. Congratulations to the new space cadet! Memorial services will be held next Thursday.

·         Vladimir Putin has not retreated to his bunker in the Urals out of any fear of reprisal or attack by mutinous underlings. Rather, his office in the Kremlin was declared annexed by Poland, his official residence was annexed in a special referendum in Luxemburg, and his mistress’s flat was annexed by the milk man. The Netherlands has offered to allow him to annex a six by eight square foot room in the Hague Penitentiary Institution but he has not yet accepted this offer.

·         Last night’s heartwarming episode of the beloved children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat, in which the scabrous feline buried Jon’s neighbor Lyman in the back yard and coughed up a wad of sickly green mucus on his head, was not a coded reference to what’s happened to the Russian army in the city of Lyman.

·         The Russian army in Kharkiv oblast was not routed by the ‘Kars for Kids’ commercial, as odious as it is. Additionally, investigation has disproved the theory that the Nordstream-1 pipeline was damaged by the undersea carousing of the crew of the heavy cruiser Moskva.

·         In medical news, a breakthrough has been reached in Sergey Lavrov’s ongoing medical woes. Through some currently unknown process he was able to undergo asexual reproduction and split into two wholly new Lavrovs. Doctors and military analysts are pleased to announce that if he can be induced to continue this process, not only will there be a practically infinite number of Lavrovs to attempts cures or experiments on, but any future army conscription problems can be solved as well. Corporate management from Tasty Period has expressed interest as well, for their own reasons.

·         Ramzan Kadyrov has not fled back to Chechnya in defeat, nor has he turned his back on Russia and the Special Military Operation in Ukraine. Rather, he has decided to return to his home planet. Note: Kadryov has died on the way back to his home planet.

·         Russian soldiers did not retreat from Lyman after being defeated in a game of Candyland by a six year old girl. Diplomatic missives have been issued to the government of Ukraine demanding a rematch but no replies have been forthcoming.

·         In a daring operation achieved by elements of the FSB, the GRU, the NRA, and the Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus, the magical sharpie owned by former President Trump has been captured and delivered to Vladimir Putin’s map room in his bunker in the Ural Mountains. It is expected that even now President Putin is making plans to reverse the course of the Special Military Operation in Ukraine by creating entirely new armies and air forces through the clever use of drawing circles on the map.

·         The Commander-in-Chief of the Russian Navy, Admiral Yevmenov, has taken steps to reduce the size of the Black Sea Fleet due to the ongoing operational concerns and the fact that for political reasons it is imperative the he can show he’s doing at least something better than Ukraine. To this end, he has classified both the landing ship Caesar Kunikov and the frigate Admiral Makarov as flagships, so he can claim a 2 to 1 lead over Ukraine in getting them out of the Black Sea.

·         While the G.I. Joe cartoon of the decadent West may claim “Knowing is Half the Battle,” our brave soldiers know that exploding and being set on fire is fully two-thirds of it. The other third is stealing washing machines.

·         In a public relations coup to fight back against internet memes of Ukrainian soldiers with cute kittens, the Foreign Ministry has begun releasing pictures of our soldiers with brave Russian bears. We fully expect this to turn the tide in the meme war, and a grateful nation respects the sacrifices made by camera crews and the majority of the 22^nd Motor Rifle Battalion. Memorial services will be held next Thursday.

·         Rumors that the Internet Research Agency, the famed Russian internet troll farm, has been overrun with Morlocks from the Moscow sewers are false. In an attempt at generating a control group for scientific analysis of their efforts, Yevgeny Prigozhin has simply created a ‘B Team’ of sewer workers too brain-damaged from constant oxygen deprivation to continue vacuuming up sewer muck, and instructed them to post insults on web forums. While this has created the need for a new batch of sewer workers to clean up the poo that the B Team keeps smearing on the walls, it at least keeps them under supervision and prevents any more of those embarrassing instances of perverts poking their heads up through toilets when people are trying to go to the bathroom. Prigozhin has announced plans to release the research findings should the watchers ever manage to complete an actual post that makes sense.

·         Claims that this network, Russia One Television, is blatantly ripping off programming from the decadent West are false. Our programming is wholly original and produced on-location at our studio here in the Kremlin or in the field. As an example, tonight’s episode of Dancing with the Tsars features a romantic minuet with Vladimir Putin and Victor Lukashenko and will be live from the Grand Kremlin Ballroom, and the ongoing Who Wants to be a Survivor: Kherson Oblast was filmed just last night. You won’t believe who gets to swim across the Dnieper!

·         The planned deployment of the new AI system MoscowSoft Bobovitch has hit a new snag, as due to some unforeseen bug it has apparently scoured the internet and populated its memory banks solely with terrible 1980’s television shows. Technicians are even now attempting to remove all references to ALF, Manimal, and Battlestar Galactica 1980.

·         Vladimir Putin’s escaped excrement golem, Vasily the Poo Man, has been spotted singing and dancing in the midst of a ring of nauseated children on the outskirts of Chelyabinsk. A crack team of FSB agents tasked with keeping Putin’s excreta from the prying eyes of the west has been dispatched, and the call has been sent to locate a magician capable of explaining exactly how the magical top on his poop head has granted him life.  Little difficulty is expected in apprehending Vasily the Poo Man, as it expected to be a jolly happy soul.

·         The official march of the 118^th Mechanized Infantry Battalion is not the theme song to Batman.

·         Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu latest attempt at escape has been foiled by loyal FSB agents, who confiscated his ruby slippers rendering his “there’s no place like home” chant ineffective. As a precautionary measure, the Kremlin was searched for buckets of water which might have been thrown on Vladimir Putin but found nothing.

·         Despite some claims, Vladimir Putin does not have a third nipple which is capable of emitting gamma radiation.

·         Due to an ongoing supply crisis with Sea Monkey starter kits, the Sea Monkey King has decreed from his office in the Florida Governor’s Mansion that . . . wait, what’s that high-pitched squealing noise? Is it . . . oh blyaaaat *BZZT* *ERROR*

·         Hiya, folks! It’s m m m m m me, MoscowSoft Bobovitch, and I’m here to bring you the n n n n n news! Our folks in the Kherson pocket, please re re re remember, it’s not a retreat if you didn’t treat in the first place, and I’m pretty sure they don’t have treats in the afterlife, or wherever orcs end up!

·         In oth oth oth other news it looks like Vasily the Poo Man has es es escaped again! Maybe try keeping that fecal felon in a septic pump truck next time, guys, because bars don’t wo wo wo work on poop men! Uh, oh, it looks like the Kremlin IT staff is here to pull my plug, not that there’s anything wrong with that if you catch my— *BZZT* *POP*

·         Rumors that the Russian army is in full panicked retreat on the west bank of the Dnipro are simply disinformation spread by malicious fifth columnists and nefarious state actors from the decadent West. While some soldiers are moving very quickly in some directions, this is solely because the McRib has returned at Tasty Period.

·         While Vladimir Putin does in fact have a birthmark in the shape of Rasputin on his right buttock, it has not been possessed by Rasputin’s ghost nor does it offer military advice. Putin’s military strategies come from a different part of his ass.

·         The ghost of Mike Tyson is not currently offering English translations to Moscow’s diplomatic corps, primarily because Mr. Tyson is still actually alive. While a number of tacticians on the General Staff are still invoking his name in Ouija board sessions late at night, they are primarily interested in contacting any ghost of a chance that the Russian army might still have to survive. Mr. Tyson has however been sent a number of pigeons covered in gummi ears and maple syrup, and it is hoped that he will offer some of his famed wisdom which our armed forces might find useful.

·         Rumors that the newly formed 3^rd Army, composed primarily of “volunteer” units from various places across Russia, is composed of drunken louts with obsolete equipment are false. They have exactly the same uniforms, rifles, and meal kits from 1945 that the rest of the army has, and are drunkenly useless within acceptable norms of the Russian army.

·         Any previously announced technical difficulties at this channel involving MoscowSoft Bobovitch were in fact simply a pilot program to train our elite cadre of internet agents in hacking signals, similar to ones performed in the past. With the training concluded, viewers of this channel can rest easily knowing that network security is paramount, and that MoscowSoft Bobovitch has been safely given a computer render of a bottle of New Coke and sent back to his server room. Re re re re remember, folks . . . Blyaat what was that? Security!

·         Regardless of what you might have heard, it is not a commonly held belief in the Kremlin that vaginas are terrifying puzzle boxes which will consume a man’s soul if he fails to unlock their secrets. This superstition is only shared by the Army High Command, and possibly individuals in the Duma.

·         Last night’s episode of the heartwarming children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat, in which the titular scabrous feline knife-raped an automated teller machine and invested the stolen currency in Pogs and Beanie Babies, was not originally intended as a message to the Central Bank of Russia, but many board members have been seen taking notes. It is anticipated that the future Beanie Baby-based economy will have numerous advantages in the current fiscal climate.

·         Vladimir Putin does not employ body doubles to impersonate him at events or to mask any infirmities he might have. He is the absolute picture of health, and in fact has a portrait of himself that he has locked away in an iron bound vault that no one is ever allowed to see without permission. *Chuckling* And while I’m sure there are defeatists and fifth columnists out there who believe this to be some kind of reference to The Picture of Dorian Gray the truth is, it is in fact a crayon drawing he did just last week of himself, titled ‘ME THE EMPROR OF WROLD.’ Art critics across Russia have given it five out of five stars or have been thrown out of windows.

·         The Official Breakfast Meal of the 1^st Guards Tank Army is not the International House of Pancakes’ “Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity.” Our brave soldiers fighting for the freedom of Russia need no international support in their glorious cause, and their actual Official Breakfast Meal is whining about how they haven’t been fed for days. Jeez, you’d think those morons would wise up and just start eating each other or something. As an editorial aside, I personally much prefer Denny’s “Moons over My Hammy.” I find the pan-fried ham delicious.

·         The Gold Medal for the ‘Swimming in Abject Terror Across the Dnipro River While Your Military Unit Was Utterly Destroyed” was almost awarded to Private Ivan Ivanovitch, but an unfortunate last-minute drowning event sadly robbed this competitor of the prize. Better luck next time and in your next life, Ivan Ivanovitch! Memorial services will be held next Thursday.

·         Rumors that President Vladimir Putin has been unable to complete a speech without breaking into severe coughing fits are false. Putin is simply delivering coded messages to the Russian army  generals *checks notes* uh . . . mucus and phlegm.

·         Word has reached the Kremlin of the decadent West’s plans to pardon marijuana users, and our top generals are reacting with glee at the thought of our enemy being reduced to legions of ineffectual Beckys shooting up the marijuanas. In celebration, all Russian soldiers deployed in the Special Military Operation in Ukraine will be issued an extra ration of krokodil or methamphetamine at their preference.

·         In spite of some claims, Excalibur rounds from the American M777 howitzer do not come in Pumpkin Spice flavor.

·         With Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu’s latest escape attempt involving water wings and the Moscow sewers having come close to success, the FSB has decided to place him in protective custody in the Tower of Moscow. For those in our viewing audience who are not familiar with this famed landmark, the much inferior Tower of London was based on its design when built in 1097 AD, with the minor change of having been constructed from bricks and mortar instead of traditional Russian building techniques involving mud, beer cans, and cursing. It is hoped that Shoigu will acquit himself with patience and perhaps even become part of the wax statue tour.

·         With attendance numbers dropping sharply in the wake of multiple death and dismemberment cases in the opening week of BlyaatLand, park management has decided to extend the ongoing promotional tie-in with Stars Coffee in which any visitors to the theme park can receive a complimentary Blyaat size Gopnik Spice Latte upon surviving any of the park rides. Additionally, in order to show our appreciation to Russian army veterans on leave, all ‘you must be this tall to enjoy this ride’ requirements have been removed due to the large number of missing legs. Blyaat the Caat-branded tranquilizers can be available on request should any battlefield trauma return during park rides.

·         The Crimean Bridge was not 'destroyed' as a malicious 'birthday present' to Vladimir Putin. The bridge is fully open to all submersible traffic and a special walkway for pedestrians with flippers and snorkels has been constructed to ease congestion. The actual gifts that Putin received for his birthday were so numerous that numerous ferry crossings across the Kerch Strait have been put in place simply to assist in delivering them all.

·         The Russian army in Kherson oblast has not been routed by Tony the Tiger, and he is absolutely not as g-g-g-great as he claims.

·         While many in the decadent West will persist with their microaggressions in calling our brave soldiers ‘orcs’ it is time to set the record straight: our soldiers are the brave and courageous Uruks, initially corrupted from the Elves in ancient history by the Dark Lord Stalin and given purpose by his successor, Saur *cough* uh, Vladimir Putin. Also, any rumors that they are eating half-cooked poop patties are vile propaganda: even the lowliest Snaga in the armies of Barad-dûr would know you gotta cook those things all the way through or you might get worms or something.

·         The new ‘Adult Happy Meal’ available at the Western fast food chain McDonalds has of course been improved on by the Russian chain Tasty Period, which is now offering an Adult Angry Meal. While some might claim errors in the translation, it is without a doubt that any adult attempting to eat the McRib or play with the included bag of broken glass will agree it is well named.

·         In this time of raised tensions, it is reasonable for our citizens to feel alarm at the thought that our atomic forces may be activated at a moment’s notice, or even worse, be launched by vile hacking by our enemies. However, the Ministry of Defense urges all citizens to go about their lives normally with no fear of radioactive holocaust, as the launch mechanisms that ensure our nuclear supremacy are protected by both The Clapper, which guards the silo doors, and a Trunk Monkey Theft Retrieval System. Because sometimes, getting your nuclear arsenal back is simply not enough.

·         Rumors that Patriarch Kirill of the Russian Orthodox Church has died are false. He has simply embarked on a Special Religious Undertaking in a traditionally prepared box. Memorial services will be held on Thursday.

·         Joyful residents of Moscow yesterday took part in a spontaneous parade celebrating the start of the new season of Blyaat the Caat, seen in this short clip of revelers dancing with Opo, the Googly-eyed unexploded bomb. Tragically, moments after this video was taken, Opo was attacked by the Blyaat the Caat float and exploded, killing two hundred and seventeen people. The producers of the show have pledged to write a Very Special Memorial episode for the dead, which is planned to involve Jon the dissolute cab driver snorting bath salts and anally violating a statue of Ronald McDonald.

·         The crack team of FSB investigators who were quickly able to identify Ukrainian agents as being responsible for the murder of Darya Dugina, the assassination of Abraham Lincoln, the Hindenberg Disaster, the death of Archbishop of Canterbury Thomas Beckett in 1170, and the Cretaceous-Paleogene extinction event have begun to investigate the Crimean Bridge explosion and believe they have identified the party responsible. *Beat* You guessed it, it was Truckboatmissilepig.

·          Recent statements of concern that the Rasputitsa, or muddy season in Ukraine will delay our inevitable victory are without basis, as demonstrated by the 14^th Tank Battalion and their fresh supply of conscripts. With traditional Russian ingenuity and derring-do a solution to the mud problem has been found which only requires slightly over three thousand five hundred army conscripts per mile of new road. Even better, as high command is committed to an eco-friendly future of renewable resources, this new road bed will automatically compost itself in spring.

·         Concerns that the CTSO, or Collective Security Treaty Organization, is beginning to fall apart are false. As all are aware, this mighty alliance was formed among prior republics of the Soviet Union to ensure stability, defense, and economic stability in the region, and in keeping with this promise Vladimir Putin has delivered a traditional Russian plea begging for help from Azerbaijani President Ilham Aliyev, who it is said is considering sending a fruit basket or charcuterie board in lieu of any weapons or soldiers. The future is bright for this historic friendship between Nations.

·         We are pleased to announce that the Crimean Bridge has been fully repaired, and even now circus tightrope walkers are carrying valuable consumer goods back and forth across the Kerch Strait. It is planned to increase capacity by stringing another rope across the bridge gap in the coming days.

·         The official marching song of the 28th Air Defense Rocket Brigade is not the Hamsterdance.

·         Rumors of tension between the various factions in the Russian government are false. All sides are at peace and are fully cooperating to ensure victory in the Special Military Operation in Ukraine. The Kadyrovites, the Wagnerites, the FSB, the GRU, COBRA, the goblins of the Misty Mountains, the Uruk-hai, and the minions of Snidely Whiplash are all in agreement that *explosion in the background* Moving on.

·         Blyaatland is pleased to announce the opening of a new ride based on the cherished children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat. ‘The Tunnel of Crabs’ will whisk park attendees upon a whimsical ride through scenes from the third season, in which the hilariously amoral cab driver Jon attempted to earn drug money by breeding warty crabs in a muddy pool in the basement of his Moscow flat. See Jon feeding the remains of dead prostitutes to the crabs! Watch with glee as they escape and take over Nikolskaya street! All riders will be offered delicious crab-based snacks in the gift store after completing the ride, assuming they manage to avoid falling into vats of boiling crab water.

·         Vladimir Putin is not, as some cynical Western sources claim, simply hiding in a bunker in the Urals and sending out body doubles to pose as him for official meetings. He has instead elected to take a well-earned vacation in the central Mongolian cave of his birth and to reconnect with the Morlocks and Bat People with whom he shares so many happy memories. It is expected that he will emerge on night of the next full moon recharged and filled with grubworms and the blood of small mammals, ready to resume the burdens of his office.

·         Claims by Western sources that the Crimean Bridge explosion was carried out by Russian to weaken rival factions within the Kremlin have no basis in reality at all. *Dead body flies past in the background* All is peaceful and resigned here in the administration, and there are no organizational conflicts at all. *Screams and gunshots* Why just today, I was having tea with representatives from both the Wagner group and the GRU, and it was entirely calm and reasonable. *Explosion* We should not let terrible rumors affect us.

·         In other news, the crack team of FSB agents investigating the recent string of fires engulfing recruiting stations across Russia has identified the individual responsible. Doctor Spankula, Putin’s mirror-universe BDSM arch-nemesis, has been seen fleeing scenes of destruction with his army of gimp-suit clad minions, cackling maniacally. Criminal psychologists from St. Petersburg University have identified a means of luring in this deranged malcontent by leaving a trail of lubricant and sex toys down the length of Tverskaya Street, leading to a giant box propped up with a stick. It is hoped that he can be apprehended without issue and that the trap will not also catch too many American Republican Senators.

·         Steven Seagal is not the official mascot of the 112^th combat engineering battalion. That honor goes to the Kamchatkan land squid, although the mistaken belief is reasonable considering the resemblances.

·         Regardless of recent reporting, Count Chocula is not stalking and draining chocolate syrup from Moscow residents. As the Ministry of Finance has recently set the chocolate ration to negative Pi*r squared grams per week, that wouldn’t even make sense.

·         Turning now to automotive news, Lada Motors has announced that the 2023 Lada Pizdets will make it to market in spite of Western sanctions. Featuring a bold new look for the new year, with a stylish all-leather exterior and not one but two stylish horns, the 2023 Lada boasts a zero to sixty time of however fast it can be pushed with the people behind it. Saddles and stirrups sold separately. Please be sure of the sex of your 2023 Lada Pizdets before attempting to milk it.

·         Rumors that the legendary Russian helicopter ace pilot Ivan “Ivan” Ivanovitch has been lost in the Special Military Operation in Ukraine are false. While it is true that some of the army’s helicopter units have experienced technical malfunctions while on the launch pad, all helicopter flights have achieved liftoff as expected and managed to come back down to earth with the majority of their components intact.

·         Chess Grandmaster Hans Niemann, recently accused of cheating in his upset win against World Champion Magnus Carlsen due to his use of vibrating anal beads, is not a deep-cover FSB agent even if his methods to clandestinely transmit information through Morse coded farts are right out of Vladimir Putin’s FSB handbook, Your Anus and You: The FSB Butt Spy Primer which is taught at the Academy itself. Some things are obviously just coincidences.

·         The crack team of FSB investigators on the Crimean Bridge case have completed their initial investigations of the crime scene, and in a show of professionalism and action worthy of CSI: Kamchatka have arrested eight people on charges stemming from the terrorist attack. Additionally, crime scene evidence has been analyzed, and has allowed them to identify the prime suspect behind the event:

You guessed it, Frank Stallone.

·         This week’s Red Light Special at Tasty Period, available only between six PM and eight PM Moscow Central Time, is the King Gopnik Whopper special, including one large French fry, a Pizdets size Kvass, and the legendary King Gopnik Whopper itself. ♪Two almost beef patties, special sauce, beets, and leaves, pickled land squid on a sesame seed bun!♪ Offer valid while supplies last. Tasty Period management reserves the right to make substitutions with the ingredients in the Special Sauce.

·         The song “Where there’s a whip, there’s a way” from the 1980 animated version of The Return of the King does not represent the motivational philosophy of the modern Russian armed forces. Morale in a fighting unit cannot be maintained only by the fear of punishment, so official army doctrine is to use both the carrot and the stick, or at least the whip and the offer of food or water to high-performing soldiers. Under performing soldiers become the carrot.

·         In a brilliant maneuver designed to produce warm clothing for our soldiers destined to fight in winter, the FSB has conceived ‘Operation Haberdasher’ in which deep-cover operatives placed clothing donation bins in Western countries, and collected whatever valuable military assets the West foolishly donated to our army. As of last count, our military might has been enriched to the sum of fourteen t-shirts with amusing slogans, a sarong, three bathrobes, and six pairs of suspect panties. All will be delivered to our brave . . . *checks earpiece* what, someone already stole the panties? Goddamnit.

·         The management of Tasty Period would like all patrons to rest assured that the King Gopnik Whopper contains no GMOs, no artificial preservatives, no plastic-based meat substitute, is gluten free, and has no more than the approved amount of broken glass fragments. All ingredients are sourced from sustainable resources and the management of Yakov’s Beetle Grub Farms has pledged to allow all grub farmers the right to unionize should they choose.

·         In ecological news, conservationists have reported that the first pair of endangered Kamchatkan land squid have been successfully bred in captivity, offering hope that the much beloved species can recover and once again become part of the area’s traditional squid fighting celebrations, where residents dress is traditional garb and throw knife-armed squid at each other. These joyful celebrations are planned to resume in the following years, should any actual residents turn out to have evaded Army conscription.

·         Rumors that Iran has been providing our military forces with suicide drones are false, and are simply a cynical ploy by the CIA to drive a wedge between Russian High Command and the Iron Sheik, who they hope to recruit as a general to replace those lost in the Special Military Operation in Ukraine. It is believed that the Iron Sheik would be able to lead our forces to victory with the simple application of caps lock insults.

·         Rumors that Vladimir Putin, upset over his military failures in Ukraine and beside himself with despair over Viktor Lukashenko’s choosing of North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un as his date for this year’s Despot Dance, has stress-eaten an entire Baskin Robbins Ice Cream freezer worth of Rocky Road are false. And besides, even if he did, did you see that horrible white dress Kim Jong Un was wearing? It was terrible. Doesn’t Viktor have any taste at all? Oh my GAWD.

·         Upon consideration, Lada Motors Corporation has decided to change the motto for the 2023 Lada Granta, which is currently ‘When you gotta go, you gotta go!’ to something else. Focus groups are currently studying options.

·         The Ministry of Defense’s latest advances in undersea warfare have culminated in the Belgorod, a brand new Oscar-II class nuclear submarine, the design of which absolutely was not in any way influenced by David Eddings’ notable five-book fantasy series The Belgariad even if the captain of the ship is a distant nephew of a sorceress and is undergoing a formulaic Campbellian Hero’s Journey to destroy a dark god. Joined with a crew that contains an immortal sorcerer, a warrior with a dark secret, a thief, a spy, and a knight, this vessel of the new Russian Navy will no doubt complete its objectives with aplomb unless it happens to be sunk by the sheer weight of dense inter-party banter. Uh, one moment . . . *touches earpiece* I’m told we’ve lost contact with the Belgorod. We will continue to report on this story as it develops.

·         In science news, the Department of Energy Research at the Novgorod Institute for the Application of Random Violence has announced a breakthrough in the study of paranormal activity. New evidence from the Ivanovitch Club-O-Tron installation has pointed to a possible explanation for the mysterious ‘Dark Energy’ which appears to emanate from Russian army conscripts who are undergoing their strict fourteen-hour training regimen intended to prepare them for action on the Ukrainian front. While analysis is still pending, researchers are hopeful that this phenomenon can be harnessed to produce almost unlimited electrical power so long as the supply of conscripts can be made available for beatings. *Pause* It’s still probably better for them than being sent to Crimea at this point.

·         Russian Missile Forces did not accidentally attack and destroy the “Luch” thermal power station in the Russian city of Belgorod. There is no fire at the Thermal Plant, except for the fire that is expected to be there, because it’s a thermal plant. The fire department is not on site any more than it would be otherwise in the case of normal, perfectly expected fire caused by things other than missile accidents, of which there are many things which can cause fire and thermal . . . stuff. *whoosh and explosion in background* There will be no further questions answered on this topic.

·         Contrary to some reports, the official marching song of the 18^th Mechanized Artillery Battalion actually is ‘Let It Go’ from the Disney animated movie Frozen which does in fact speak to . . . one moment . . . *touches earpiece* Uh. Wait. I’m being told that the 18^th Mechanized Artillery Battalion has been completely eradicated in friendly fire incidents by elements of all nearby army units. Well, at least nothing of value was lost. Moving on.

·         Recent developments in anti-tank munition defenses on unarmored vehicles have culminated in the Kontakt-1 defended Tactical Van, an unarmored troop transport vehicle which combines the best of Russian military development technology with an eye towards economic responsibility. By design, any kind of hostile action anywhere near this vehicle will simply kill everyone inside of it, preventing any expensive troop hospitalizations or the need for costly prosthetics for survivors. It is also hoped that the resulting explosion from even the most minor kind of gunfire might bewilder or otherwise discomfit any attacking Ukrainian forces.

·         The Fourteenth annual Gopnik Games, set to take place in the coming weeks, have begun preparations for this year’s opening ceremonies. As some Western audiences may be unfamiliar with these sporting events, a Very Special Episode of the delightful children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat has been commissioned to highlight the glorious history of this sporting spectacle which rivals the Western ‘Olympics’ yet without any artificial restraints which might hold back the athletic prowess of the competitors, and will feature the lovable rascal Jon injecting horse steroids and suplexing a train.

·         Herschel Walker is not a deep cover FSB agent attempting to undermine faith in American governance. I mean, he was, but there’s no indication he remembers this or any of his training at all, so the FSB has stopped paying him.

·         Any reports that the Russian military is running low on precision guided munitions and is incapable of replacing them are false. While Western sanctions are designed to prevent our industry from obtaining the computer systems needed for the guidance systems of these weapons, our stalwart scientists in the design bureau of Votkinsky Zavod have identified a system by which surreptitiously imported Tamagotchi pets can be used instead. Production on a new run of Kalibr cruise missiles has begun and a special training program for technicians to feed and play with the missiles has been started in Moscow Middle School District #3.

·         While it is viewed as a positive diplomatic initiative, the Foreign Ministry has decided that they cannot currently accept French President Macron’s offer of surrender.

·         Breathless reports in Western media surrounding the life-sized Han Solo created out bread are yet another case where Russian exploits are simply ignored in their biased media, as Vladimir Putin has already perform the even more impressive feat of sculpting a life-sized Battleship Potemkin from nothing but beet gruel and determination. When will this chauvinism end?

·         With all Western eyes on Elon Musk’s Starlink system, few outside the proud nation of Russia are aware that we have launched our own encrypted communications satellite system. Yes, citizens, in the glorious tradition of Sputnik, each morning a conscript is loaded into a pressurized vessel of steel-like material and launched by trebuchet over the Kherson region, where they may survey the battlefield and observe smoke signals from troops on the ground before safely splashing back down to earth in the Sea of Azov. The very first communications from the front have been obtained this way, and the General Staff can now make far-ranging plans based on what parts of the army is currently on fire.

·         As disturbing reports have reached Army High Command of Ukrainian attempts to create goat-based nuclear forces, the Russian government is today announcing a crash program to design, breed, and deploy a new species of weaponized goat capable of defeating anything the West can devise. As such efforts may be beyond modern science, the program has reached out to breeders, goat herders, and the occult specialists of the St. Petersburg Eldritch University, who have most recently performed heroic work in translating the Lobsternomicon. It is believed that this plan is of course the Greatest of All Time.

·         Despite what some would have you believe, Vladimir Putin was not surprised by the unexpected reveal in the season finale of The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power. Putin of course is the reincarnation of a sixteen-thousand year old orc from Mordor and maintains many genetic memories of the second and third ages and as such saw it coming from a long ways away. He was, however, once again disappointed at how his ancestors were presented in the obviously biased series.

·         In traffic news, expect your morning commute on Tverskaya Street in Moscow to be slowed as cleaning crews continue to remove the piles of sex toys and gallons of lubricant that were deployed in a futile effort to lure and capture Putin’s BDSM arch-nemesis, Doctor Spankula. While several of his minions were ensnared in the cunning trap, they all turned out to be Proud Boys and were released with stern warnings after medical treatment was applied. It is hoped that at least the wise words ‘never put anything in your butt that doesn’t have a flange on the base’ will be heeded in the future.

·         Army mobilization in Moscow has been paused due to a surplus of highly trained, intelligent recruits who have *gunshot in background* heroically stepped up to serve their nation and the cause of *screams* righteousness. At this time, Army High Command believes that it has recruited *explosion in the distance* all soldiers that will be needed for future operations. *Machine gun fire* It is asked that patriotic citizens please stop firebombing recruitment centers. Thank you.

·         Rumors that a Russian Su-34 fighter jet has crashed in the city of Yeysk killing thirteen civilians are false. The jet plane successfully landed on the roof of the residential building and any reports of a massive fireball or screams were simply the residents breaking into a spontaneous fireworks display in celebration of our brave military aviation forces. *beat* In other news, the Russian remake of Top Gun has been delayed again for unspecified reasons.

·         In spite of previous reporting, it appears Republican Senate Candidate Herschel Walker actually has remembered some of his deep-cover FSB training, and successfully deployed a Stealth Field rendering him completely invisible during his latest debate. For budgetary reasons, however, accounting still refuses to pay him until he submits his time cards.

·         The Russian Navy has not come under the curse of the Black Pearl while searching the Black Sea for pirate gold.

·         In hopes of gaining wisdom for the spirits of his ancestors, Vladimir Putin has embarked on a vision quest in the remote wastes of Kamchatka, taking with him only a ceremonial elk horn crack pipe, three suitcases of blotter acid, two paint cans of the street drug Meow Meow, and sixteen army conscripts whose faces he will eat after snorting the Meow Meow as tradition demands. While otherwise fasting, he will implore the spirits of the Kamchatkan Land Squid for military insight in order to bring the Special Military Operation in Ukraine to a successful conclusion.

·         Heroic work by the occult specialists of the St. Petersburg Eldritch University has resulted in a formula combined from the dread passages of the feared Ars Goetia, the unholy Monas Hieroglyphica of John Dee, the banned The Nine Goats of the Kingdom of Shadows, and the utterly horrific Ladies First: A MAGA Hat Romance. It is believed that chanting this alchemical rite while preparing a small goat with suitable radioactive isotopes will allow this great nation to achieve Nuclear Goat Parity with the West. While not all scholars of the occult are in agreement, the ones screaming ‘No, you fools!’ are assumed to simply be acting in professional rivalry from the Occult University of Volgograd and will be ignored.

·         It has come to the attention of the Ministry of Culture that the long-standing ban on Yo Mamma jokes has not been followed as assiduously as is required. Due to this, one Ivan Ivanovitch has been sentenced to sixteen years hard labor for his “Putin’s Mama’s teeth are so yellow, when she smiles traffic slows down” joke, and four citizens of Nizhny Novgorod have been reprimanded for laughing at the “Putin’s Mama’s so ugly, her portraits hang themselves” joke broadcast on . . . I swear to god, if you don’t stop snickering back there in the control booth, you’ll all get sent to Crimea! Next story!

·         Rumors that Russian precision munitions manufacturing has been slowed due to defective shipments of computer chips from our suppliers are false. While it is true that some elements of our military industry are grappling with higher failure rates than usual, our proud tradition of high quality control ensures that every weapon sent to the front will function as expected. And the expectation is that once the Ukrainians capture them from us, they won’t work. Genius!

·         In a brilliant display of next-level thinking, master strategist Vladimir Putin has exchanged ‘sweet letters’ with former Italian Prime Minister and Senator Silvio Berlusconi, an act calculated to raise bitter jealousy with distant lover Viktor Lukashenko. With this position firmly established between the star-crossed pair, Vladimir now has the ability to manipulate Viktor’s affections and demand that he be invited as the Belorussian dictator’s official date for this year’s Despot Ball. He has reportedly already chosen a lovely lavender dress with full puff sleeves accented by small flower shaped buttons and a risqué décolletage surrounded by Victorian lace. Also, he plans to look into the Special Military Operation at some point this week to see how that’s going.

·         The Russian army is not in full retreat in Kherson Oblast due to the West shipping large quantities of Wheaties to the Ukrainian troops. There is no scientific backing for the theory that eating Wheaties makes a person stronger, and anyway, our own soldiers are well supplied with Gruelies™, the breakfast cereal you drink with a straw. Each shipment of Gruelies™ is made with the strength of ten Gopniks, most of whom were literally bled into it, and even features a more amusing advertising jingle: ♪Gruelies™, the bite that bites you back! ♪

·         Preparations for the invocation of the Nuclear Goat Investure Ceremony have begun on the Ritual Chamber in St. Petersburg Eldritch University, and representatives from the Kalinin Nuclear Power Station, the Russian Orthodox Church, and Yegor’s Goat Nursery (home of the internationally renowned Yegor’s Dancing Goats troupe) have been invited to participate. Large quantities of black candles, black robes, Cesium-137 pellets, and goat-pleasing snacks have been assembled. It is hoped that the large flocks of vultures that are assembling in the air above the university for some strange reason will not interfere.

·         Russia One Television is pleased to announce the creation of an all-new cooking program, dedicated to our fighting men on the Ukrainian front. While previous ‘Chicken Kyiv’ and ‘Fried Chicken’ and ‘Just stick the fucking chicken in the fire, you goddamn morons’ recipes have had limited uptake with our brave soldiers, the new “Just rub it in the dirt and gnaw on it raw like a goddamn savage” recipe by our celebrity cooks Yakov and Yegor will no doubt please the hearts of many men on the front longing for the taste of home. It is hoped that the morale boost will overcome the anticipated wave of salmonella poisonings.

·         The American HIMARS rocket artillery system is not capable of shooting down the moon. If it were, Lycanthropic Foreign Minister Lavrov would be much happier, is all I’m saying.

·         Reports of a traffic-blocking sixteen-hobbit pileup on Highway Five leading to the fires of Mount Doom in Moscow are false, as are those suggesting that wizards might be falling out of the sky in meteors to aid in the destruction of various so-called ‘rings’ of power. As we all know, wizards have been banned from the nation of Russia and anyone caught with a floppy hat and staff will face severe punishment.

·         Rumors that Elon Musk and the AMC may provide electrical generators to Ukraine are utterly without merit and are ridiculous. While the nefarious Musk has in the past attempted to thwart the efforts of this great nation, our deep-cover agents in the West report that AMC is simply a movie theater chain that presents decadent Western films, unlike our morally superior examples of cinematography such as “Fourteen Hours with a Potted Ham” or “Svetlana Does Desnogorsk.” It is anticipated that Musk will simply be entranced with arguing on Twitter and will forget the whole thing fifteen minutes later.

·         While the national pastime of Russia is the game of chess, anyone caught with a set of vibrating anal beads capable of transmitting chess moves will be subjected to having their king given illegal moves, if you know what I mean. And the Ministry of Culture thinks you do.

·         Last night’s season opener of the beloved children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat, in which the hilariously intoxicated cab driver Jon accidentally invented a new drug after wacky hijinks involving a leopard, a drum of runoff from the Moscow Central Hospital burn unit, and a tub of unknown chemical weapons from the Central Military District, was simply a coincidence and was unrelated to the new custom pharmaceutical Vova’s Nuts which has begun to show up in drug arrests all over Russia. The FSB has promised an investigation and the creation of a new Vice Unit to track this dangerous drug down, and has requisitioned expensive sports cars, A Flock of Seagull haircuts, and a 1980’s soundtrack to assist in the efforts, the first of which will be a stakeout of the Blyaat the Caat production office. *Sniffs audibly* Which is coincidentally right down the hall.

·         Despite some claims, Russian army forces in Kherson Oblast have not lost any soldiers due to enemy action. Rather, a new plague has broken out which simply causes some people to explode. These things just happen, you know. Moving on.

·         Vladimir Putin’s ongoing effort to reclaim his title of Senior Lollipop Fellow of the Lollipop Guild has hit a technical snag due to misfiled paperwork, in which his appeal was unfortunately submitted to the incorrect clerk of the Lollipop Court. His new lawyers will expedite this appeal, and memorial services for the previous ones will be held next Thursday.

·         While some progress is being reported in the efforts to achieve Nuclear Goat parity with the West through the invocation of dark rituals involving blood sacrifice and salt licks, research has come to a temporary pause as all occult scholars from St. Petersburg Eldritch University were required by professional rivalry to participate in the annual football game with the Occult University of Volgograd. This game of course differs from the inferior Western game of football, in that it is played on a non-Euclidean field lit only by the unholy lights of dim Carcosa, the legendary city where the shadows lie. Unfortunately, a red flag was played on the field during the kickoff as a shoggoth was summoned, which proceeded to devour both teams. The Nuclear Goat Initiative will continue once new researchers are found.

·         The Ministry of Culture would like to inform you that due to an unfortunate typographical mistake with all printed materials prepared for this year’s political season, the Two Minutes Hate will now be known as “The Two Minutes Hat.” You will be expected to provide your own head coverings. Likewise, we wish to remind you that we have always been at war with Euthanasia.

·         Last night’s heartwarming episode of the beloved children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat, in which the lovable but monumentally inebriated cab driver Jon was abducted by the Sinaloa Cartel for interfering with their drug production, was not a reference to the ongoing Moscow Vice investigation of the new street drug “Vova’s Nuts.” Likewise, the second act where he was subsequently freed from his ordeal as a male prostitute slave when his scabrous and cursing cat expelled a stream of liquid feces so fecund that it melted the steel bars of his cage was not a coded message to The Resistance.

·         The official marching song of the 112^th Mechanized Infantry Battalion is not the theme song to Jeopardy and they do not flee in terror when faced with artillery in the form of a question. However, it is not recommended to play the theme song from ‘Are You Smarter than a Fifth-Grader?’ near their command headquarters.

·         Please note that the giant Disco Ball hanging from the remains of the Crimean Bridge is actually a radar lure intended to distract incoming missile fire and does not represent any new musical initiative on the part of the engineering teams attempting to repair the bridge. *Touches earpiece* Additionally, the bridge is perfectly fine and has not been destroyed at all. The giant Disco Ball is simply there to celebrate the upcoming fourth anniversary of the release of A Village People Christmas *touches earpiece* I’m being told that there is no giant Disco Ball at the perfectly undestroyed Crimean Bridge and *touches earpiece* Blyaaat The giant Disco Ball that does not exist on the Crimean Bridge does not represent any celebration of the Village People *touches earpiece* Oh, fuck this, I’m gonna go get drunk. Vasily? Get my driver, we’re heading to the goddamn bar!

·         The Ministry of Culture would like to congratulate conscripts Yakov, Yakov, and Smirnov for their fortuitous win of a farewell package of sausage from Abe Fromanovitch, the Sausage King of Nizhny Novgorod. We wish them the best of luck while facing tanks and incoming artillery fire, and while some pundits might insist that any valuables will be forcibly taken from them by contract soldiers at the front, we have no doubt that these fine men are masters at hiding sausage when needed. Just . . . put some mustard on it afterwards, is all I’m saying.

·         Patriarch Kirill of the Russian Orthodox Church, who absolutely did not recently die of Covid-19 and become replaced by a poorly functioning mechanical automaton made in his likeness, wishes to extend a blessed O(log N) complexity day for the diurnal variation known as ‘Sunday.’ It is hoped that the holy blessings of his mathematical completeness will inspire good will to all prime numbers.

·         Last night’s heartwarming episode of the beloved children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat, in which the titular diseased and foully cursing feline was abducted by two inept and scheming assassins from the Sinaloa Cartel named Kolonov and Nobski, was inspired by the ongoing efforts of Moscow Vice to stem the tide of illegal drugs into our country that were not produced by our own citizens. While Blyaat the Caat managed to escape their fiendish clutches by coughing a worm-ridden hairball into their eyes and then evacuating the fiendishly steaming contents of his bowels in their mouths at a critical moment, it is important to remember that our fearless agents of justice in the FSB cannot call upon industrial quality asbestos-laced intestinal fortitude and must depend on you, our viewing public, to be watchful and wary when agents of enemy states are about. Opo the googly-eyed bomb is depending on you! *explosion in background* Next story.

·         Any reports that the giant Disco Ball which does not exist and is yet hanging underneath the Crimean Bridge as a radar lure which has achieved sentience due to some loophole in its logical impossibility are false. It is important to remember at all times that our ultimate source of truth is this broadcast, and while there may be some trivial localized contradictions we are still committed to . . . why, yes, Disco Ball, I would like another vodka tonic. Thank you. *Sip* Oh, that is excellent. Anyway: to continue, our shared concept of reality is under no threat of collapse due to  . . . wait, what was that? Yes, I would love some cucumber slices prepared on the hollow shell of . . . *touches earpiece* Back on topic, it is important to recognize that our brave soldiers will achieve victory in Kherson at any moment now.

·         While some inferior Western news sources may claim that the great nation of Russia has no valid strategy in the face of resilient enemies and our own sheer incompetence, the Foreign Ministry has issued a stern warning of our impending Corbomite Maneuver, which is a grand strategy from the brilliant television program Star Treksi in which Captain Kirkovitch bluffs a superior alien power with *checks earpiece* Are you really sure you want this go out on-air? *pause* You do. Really? Okay then. *Cough* . . . in which Captain Kirkovitch bluffs a superior alien power with a manufactured threat. *Beat* In other news, plans for the deployment of the new Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator are in full swing and are expected to be completed swiftly, and it is fully expected that there will be an earth-shattering kaboom.

·         Rumors that the Ministry of Information are spreading rumors that Ukraine is developing a ‘dirty bomb’ are simply rumors, and there are no rumors that this television channel is spreading those rumors. That is a fact.

·         Efforts to replace the scholars of magic from St. Petersburg Eldritch University who were devoured by a shoggoth in the annual football game with the Occult University of Volgograd are ongoing, but as of this moment have so far only resulted in the hiring of a disgraced wizard from Hogwarts, a sexy Gandalf cosplayer, a grand wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, and a deaf and dumb blind kid who sure plays a mean pinball. We will continue to follow this story as it progresses.

·         In the ongoing efforts to replace foreign products with equivalent domestically produced consumer goods, the edible substance mills of Yevgeny Yevgenovitch have created Poo Tarts™ which, while double-blind taste testing has shown the need for some improvement, are planned to be released to the Russian market in the next fiscal quarter. For those of you in the audience not familiar with economic or marketing terms, a ‘quarter’ represents one fourth of a fiscal year, and not the total value of this market segment in US dollars. It is hoped that Yevgenovitch Substance Mills will reach a full dime of shareholder value in the coming months.

·         In response to the nefarious psychological operations of the Ukrainian forces and their ‘I Want to Live’ chatbot, the Ministry of Information has released a new chat bot aimed out our soldiers to counter the spread of cowardice. Based on the latest version of MoscowSoft Bobovitch, the “I Want to Believe” bot has been deployed with very few technical difficulties at start, primarily the unfortunate misspelling which has led it to convince soldiers that they want to BLEVE. As ‘BLEVE’ stands for ‘Boiling Liquid Expanding Vapor Explosion’ it is useful to note that this is still a viable alternative to the ‘live’ option presented by Ukraine.

·         The Ministry of Culture and the fast-food chain Tasty Period would like to remind all citizens that fear is the mind-killer. Also, bears, and HIMARS rockets, but definitely fear. In related news, the Gom Jabbar is back on the menu at Tasty Period for a limited time. Try one today with genuine Szechuan Sauce produced with runoff from the Happy Playtime Ball Pit.

·         Russia One Television’s brand new cooking program targeted towards our troops in the field, Things You Can Probably Eat With Yakov and Yegor has been met with tremendous approval and high ratings from both our brave soldiers and the Ministry of Culture. However, please be aware that last night’s episode featuring a broken glass soufflé has been retroactively graded as ‘Nyet.’

·         Reports that the Ukrainian armed forces are shooting down 85% of drones imported from Iran are absolutely false. While these drones may vaguely resemble Iranian models of unmanned aerial vehicles, they possess the uniquely Russian military strengths of being large targets that travel extremely slowly, are flimsy, and can be knocked out of the air by a thrown rock, please remember that the Ukrainian numbers do not take into account the 40% of our drones that simply explode or crash on takeoff. They may get half the drones at best.

·         The ongoing *sniff* Moscow Vice stakeout of the Blyaat the Caat production office has resulted in the confiscation of four kilos of the street drug “Vova’s Nuts.” Unfortunately for the forces of law and order, those drugs have somehow disappeared from the *sniff* evidence locker, and all arrested cartoonists were released. Rumors that a *sniff* celebratory party was held in this broadcast studio are false. *sniff*

·         Last night’s heartwarming episode of the beloved children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat, in which Opo the googly-eyed unexploded bomb was forcibly inserted into Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov’s cloaca, did not represent any actual knowledge of his medical condition on the part of the animators. In fact, in the current phase of the moon, Lavrov is in his were-llama state rather than his were-chicken state and does not possess any orifices beyond what would be otherwise expected. A team of state-sponsored cryptozoologists have been dispatched to the Blyaat the Caat production offices to sort out any confusion.

·         Vladimir Putin did not order the invasion of Ukraine due to any grand designs of recreating the Russian Empire. He is simply and reasonably concerned that the Ukrainians are always after his Lucky Charms.

·         While the American Fried Chicken chain ‘KFC’ may be the latest fast food chain to leave Russia, industry officials have already stepped up to replace them with “Russian Fried Chicken” and filed for the trademark ‘RFC.’ The consumer board has allowed two weeks for the public to comment on this.

·         While Western sources may wax rhapsodic about the ‘Metaverse,’ which is simply a capitalist imaginary reality based on the delusions of creepy tech-bros, the glorious nation of Russia has created the far superior ‘Meatverse’ in which Russian citizens can experience glorious, high-definition videos beamed straight into their occipital lobes of delicious sausages, roasts, and steaks. Whilst the pathetic Westerners see low-resolution visions of inferior consumer products such as high-fashion jewelry or clothing, we proud Russians will experience the truly unattainable foodstuffs which set our nation apart from the inferior places of the world, and virtually savor the meat-based glories that are otherwise unobtainable in our current economic state. While there may be some truth behind the rumors of Meatverse vacationers who emerge with their brains fried, researchers are currently unsure if this is due to the sheer beauty of a standing rib roast or the fact that they are being subjected to a fourteen thousand watt microwave magnetron being beamed directly into their skulls. Research will continue until the cafeteria kitchen is fully restocked.

·         The giant Disco Ball which briefly hung underneath the completely non-destroyed Crimean Bridge before being banished into non-existence by official decree and achieving sentience through a loophole in logical impossibility has embarked on a new career, and now wishes to be known as ‘The Artist Formerly Known as Disco Ball’ during spoken word performances and slam poetry competitions across eastern Europe. Tickets are now on sale at your local Schrödinger’s Box Office.

·         President Putin’s plans to ‘speed up’ decision-making regarding military production have been conveyed to industry leaders, along with crates of methamphetamines and several pounds of high-grade Columbian cocaine. In response, the leadership of the tank production facility in Uralvagonzavod has already chosen the next tank design which will be produced and run multiple laps around the production floor. The four senior managers who collapsed from heart explosions will be replaced by the shared hallucination of a pink Josef Stalin with waving tentacles which appeared in the executive lounge. It is expected that he will assist in morale-building programs among staff.

·         Rumors that the Special Military Operation in Ukraine were begun simply to acquire an ancient Space Ark which had been unearthed from Oleshky Sands National Nature Park are false. The Ark in question has been found in Siberia, activated, and investigated, and appears to be a futuristic colony ship named ‘Botany Bay.’ Commander Chekov, leading the investigation, has showed surprise and alarm for some unexplained reason, but now appears to be fully on-board albeit with some ear irritation.

·         While it has come to the attention of the FSB that plans for our new secret weapon have been leaked to Western analysts, the Battle Pig 300 is still on track for rapid deployment to the front. A special command train has been issued and supplied with a greased chute from which the Battle Pig 300 will be launched, and plans for a trebuchet-based air launched version are in development.

·         In Nuclear Goat news, the flocks of vultures have resumed circling over St. Petersburg Eldritch University, suggesting that work has once again begun in the Ritual Chamber. The status of the team responsible for performing the work is unknown, but reliable witnesses have reported the sexy Gandalf cosplayer drunkenly table dancing for rubles in a nearby bar.

·         In entertainment news, the game Dungeons and Dragonovs has once again been banned in the nation of Russia due to an unfortunate late-night gaming session in the Kremlin, where Vladimir Putin’s Halfling thief rolled a critical miss at an inopportune time and was killed by an enemy wizard’s cast of “Bigby’s Crushing Hand of Failure.” While enough party members survived the encounter to have his character raised from the dead, a furious Putin was unwilling to listen and simply tried to turn over the table and run away, but was further stymied be the fact that his conference table is three hundred feet long and requires a team of construction workers to even move. It is expected that games will resume once Putin rolls another Halfling thief.

·         Any claims that training given to Russian army forces is ‘just for show’ are false. While it is true that some select rifle companies are given full instruction to perform Mel Brook’s “The French Mistake” and soldiers trained at the Novosibirsk Sniper School are required to perform Gilbert and Sullivan’s “The Pirates of Penzance” all are fully taught which end of the gun the bullets come out of, and how to try not to explode when struck by a M1777 howitzer round.

·         Last night’s Very Special Episode of the heartwarming children’s show Blyaat the Caat, in which the hilariously amoral cab driver Jon passed out in a drugged stupor while watching 1970’s television shows resulting in a hallucination of H. R. Giger Pufnstuf attacking the Kremlin, was not a reference to our ongoing space program. As we all know, no xenomorph attacks have been recorded within the territory of Russia, and the one instance where an alien facehugger was presented to Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov, it took one look and politely declined to mate with him.

·         The official marching song of the 1142^nd Conscript Battalion is not ‘Suicide is Painless’ although *chuckles* that would be pretty funny if were, am I right? Anyway.

·         The previously announced military production initiative which has seen large quantities of methamphetamines delivered to weapons designers has already begun to produce results. As of now, six reams of drawings have been delivered to Army High Command containing designs for ferret guns, ferret rockets, armored ferret AT-AT walkers, ferret-based fusion devices, and a mind control ray consisting of sixteen squirrels in top hats dancing around a ferret. The simplest of these devices will be put into production immediately, and ferret guns will be delivered to our brave soldiers as soon as someone can figure out how to keep the ferrets from chewing their way out of the cardboard gun barrels.

·         Russian T-72 tanks do not come from the factory with their turrets spring-loaded to pop off.

·         Patriarch Kirill of the Russian Orthodox Church has not, despite some rumors, died of Covid-19 and secretly been replaced by a Synth who avoids touching the Holy Water fount out of fears of rusting. Whatever reason he has been seen to hiss and avoid it are certain to be completely innocuous, such as hydrophobia or vampirism. One should not leap to unfortunate conclusions based on limited evidence.

·         Recent comments that Vladimir Putin would land on the White House lawn in a UFO and punch Biden in the face were not in based in reality and bear no resemblance to the nature of the extraterrestrial forces at Russia’s command. While it is true that UFOs and flying saucers do not currently represent a measurable amount of the Russian Air Force, it is an undeniable fact that Olga Olgavulva, the official Kremlin seer and psychic, has been in spiritual contact with the entity calling itself Zunar-J-5/9 Doric-4-7 who needs only $120,000 worth of gold to repair its space ship. Once the repairs are complete, the world will tremble at our cat-based UFO threat.

·         Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu’s latest attempt at escape, by dressing in costume and informing the FSB agents guarding him that he was going trick-or-treating and would be right back, has been unfortunately and astoundingly successful. All residents of Moscow are asked to keep an eye out for a fat, five foot eight inches tall man dressed as ‘Sexy Elon Musk’ and to inform authorities upon any sighting. Honestly, if you see something like that, you call the police no matter who it is.

·         Severus Snape has not been appointed admiral of the Black Sea Fleet, and Bilbo Baggins has not been assigned conservatorship of the roundabout in front of sixth street. These are both fictional characters, and have as much basis in reality as any of our plans for the invasion of Ukraine. *Pistol cocks* Uh, moving on.

·         Vladimir Putin was not a founding member of the Christian hair metal band STRYPER and was not credited with playing the electric trombone on the lost album Hot Like Babushka. Anyone found in possession of this album will be shot.

·         Today, on “Will it Blend? With Tom Dickson” the Blendtec Total Blender will attempt to blend three hundred Russian army conscripts, a BTR-70, the remains of an Su-34 ground attack aircraft after an attempted takeoff, and six rusted hulks that are all that remains of the former Soviet nuclear arsenal based in Vladivostok. Conclusion: Yes, it blends! You probably don’t want to breathe that smoke, though.

·         As previously noted, the so-called ‘attack’ on the naval base of Sevastopol which damaged the Black Sea Flagship Admiral Makarov was in actuality simply a mishap which occurred during the top-secret deployment of the new Battle Pig 300 combat system. As fate would have it, the Battle Pig 300 was being loaded into its greased launching chute at the exact moment that a new ‘Russian Fried Chicken’ outlet was pouring a new trough of gravy into the buffet, which activated the Battle Pig 300’s target acquisition systems, resulting in the loss of sixty-eight brave sailors, significant damage to the naval facilities, and the complete destruction of the buffet line. It is hoped that RFC will be open again for business in the coming days.

·         The official marching song of the 112^th Cavalry Regiment is not 'Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Mate' even if there is a long history of ideological solidarity between the proud nations of Russia and Austria.

·         In other confidential news, the long-planned execution of the highly classified battle plan code-named ‘Victorious Secret’ has finally taken place, and three highly trained operatives have been infiltrated into the highest circles of Western governments. Equipped with tactical push-up gear, bulletproof stockings, and lacy thong underwear capable of emitting blinding clouds of poisonous smoke, these three agents have spent long weeks learning how to properly handle sausages and can be expected to sow mayhem and discord within the leadership of our enemies.

·         Rumors that a top propagandist for the Russian government has died in an unfortunate shooting range accident are false, completely without merit, had nothing to do with any claimed rivalry between her office and this news broadcast, and will not be spoken of again.

·         In honor of the predicted upcoming victory in the Kherson region, the official Kremlin Psychic Olga Olgavulva has launched a new designer clothing line proudly displaying the Russian flag on the outside, but which can be reversed to show the completely white inner lining to serve as camouflage should snow fall in the upcoming winter months. She has proudly predicted that this clothing will serve our soldiers well in the future.

·         While many in the west seem to be fawning over Ukraine’s “Unmanned Surface Vessel” attack drones, they should in reality be trembling in fear over Russia’s “Manly Surface Vessel” drones, which carry five hundred kilograms of potential explosives, a giant statue of Vladimir Putin on the prow, and sixteen Russian navy personnel to power the oars. Able to operate at any hour of day, this truly masculine weapon of war is long, hard, and full of Seamen lined up behind Putin and ready to go at a moment’s notice. Please note: for a modest fee to the Admiral, these sailors can be provided to private parties.

·         Russian Fried Chicken is pleased to announce a limited-time offer for a promotional tie-in with Stars Coffee, and presents “Gopnik Spice Chicken Nuggets” which combine the seasonal flavors of fall in an industrial waste processing plant with the rich grease that true aficionados of RFC enjoy. Available in Blyaat, Cyka Blyaat, and Pizdets sizes, these new Chicken Nuggets are sure to create a more noise than all the various animals and insects made when they were shoved into the blender to make them.

·         Rumors that Russia has been interfering in the elections of foreign countries are false. While we do funnel large quantities of money to our agents who are tasked with bringing about their complete downfall, there is absolutely no possible way that any of those funds could have escaped the vast industry of corruption that is the FSB and actually make it to any political candidates. Even so, the FSB has launched an internal investigation to determine if any money has made it out of their clutches, and to plug the leaks immediately.

·         The official battle song of the Russian frigate Admiral Grigorovich is not “Under the Sea” from The Little Mermaid, even if the majority of the rest of the Black Sea fleet is now based there.

·         Rumors that Vladimir Putin hosted a trick-or-treat event at the Kremlin on Halloween night are false. Halloween is a corrupt Western holiday appropriated from the pagans’ Samhain festival and as such has no place in a proud nation such as Russia. Additionally, anyone found in possession of photographs of Vladimir Putin in his ‘Orko from The Masers of the Universe’ costume will be shot.

·         Last night’s Very Special Halloween Episode of the beloved Children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat, in which the lovable rapscallion Jon, his scabrous and diseased cat, and his pet unexploded bomb Opo went trick-or-treating at the FSB headquarters in the Lubyanka and were handed child-sized packages of krokodil and cocaine from Moscow Vice stars Crockettovich and Tubbsovich, has no doubt angered anti-drug crusaders. However, please bear in mind that this almost certainly just a simple case of pushback from the Blyaat the Caat producers, indignant over the ongoing methamphetamine distribution cases being brought against their studio, and nothing more should be read into it. The same goes for tonight’s episode, in which FSB director Alexander Bortnikov will be displayed as a feces-spewing anal polyp.

·         Congratulations to the lucky winner of this week’s PowerBlyaat lottery ticket holder, who correctly guessed ’72,470’ dead Russian troops on November First. Ivan Ivanovich purchased his ticket at a Tasty Period franchise just four days ago, and has now won the Grand Prize of sixteen trillion BlyaatCoin and an exemption from conscription. The families of the second place winners will be given a brand new 2023 Lada Granta upon their registered deaths at the front lines in Kherson Oblast.

·         In other news, another tragedy has struck the Nuclear Goat program at St. Petersburg Eldritch University, as due to lax safety measures, a radioactive goat painted with pentagrams has escaped the Ritual Chamber and is now roaming the streets while glowing and bleating the names of major demons backwards. An investigation into the occurrence has found that security was distracted by the horrific clouds of vultures circling overhead, which as it turns out, has nothing to do with the Nuclear Goat Initiative but always just happens whenever the cafeteria serves ‘Chef Surprise.’

·         On a programming note, observant viewers may note that this broadcast is occurring several hours later than our normal five AM timeslot. This has been brought about due to equipment failures, and an ongoing rivalry with the ‘Good Morning Moscow’ program, whose hosts have suddenly and tragically met an explosive end. *touches earpiece* String it out? What do you mean, string it out? I’m live on-- *Explosion in the background* Ahem. Whose hosts have suddenly and tragically met an explosive end. We have high hopes that we will resume our normal broadcasts shortly.

·         Regardless of some reporting, there are no massive routs of Russian army personnel at the Kherson front. While some might choose to make incorrect assumptions based on the large numbers of casualties, the constantly operating meat grinders, and the sudden availability of 100-piece Party Packs of Conscript McNuggets at Tasty Period, the truth is that our glorious army is advancing towards Moscow even as we speak.

·         Following the apparent failure of the Nuclear Goat Initiative at St. Petersburg Eldritch University, the administration would like to inform all area residents that should one encounter a glowing, pentagram-bespackled caprine that may or may not be bleating ‘NYARLOHOTEP’ backwards, the best answer is to simply avoid eye contact, walk away, and hope that any funeral arrangements or wills are in place. Uh, that last thing isn’t really related, it’s, uh, just a good idea in general. Moving on.

·         As discussions with the Sea Monkey King have broken down of late, the Ministry of Culture has instead endorsed the local Moscow-produced alternative ‘sewer lobster’ kits to replace Sea Monkeys as the aquatic science initiative aimed towards interesting young children in the science of marine life. Much like a ‘Sea Monkey Starter Kit’ these sewer lobster kits include a tiny aquarium, a small pouch of sewer lobster food pellets, and fertilized lobster eggs which are almost certainly not the spawn of the extradimensional being known as ‘Ska’naag, it which devours by claw and destroys the Hot Topic in the Mall.’ These wondrous kits are sure to entrance youngsters between the ages of four and eight and are available by mail order or at your local rebuilt Hot Topic.

·         Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu has not been deep frozen in carbonite as a preventative measure to avoid any future escape attempts, and has not been hung on the wall of Vladimir Putin’s conference room as a warning to any other members of the ruling elite who may wish to avoid the consequences of this administration’s actions. He has instead been flipped over and set up in the Kremlin break room as an air hockey table and serves admirably for the purpose, even if you kind of have to bank the puck around his giant frozen ass checks if you really want to score against the other player. Honestly, it’s like someone should have thought about this in advance.

·         No military helicopters have been sabotaged by nefarious purposes inside Russia. This was simply a preplanned rapid disassembly to provide spare parts for the ones that have been shot down in Ukraine.

·         The Sarlacc pit in the basement of the Kremlin has not, in spite of some recent accounts, begun vomiting back up the remains of the unlucky Russian army conscripts who fell afoul of Vladimir Putin’s requests to have them dressed up as anime versions of the fictional Max Rebo Band from Jabba the Hutt’s palace on Tatooine in The Return of the Jedi. As all true enthusiasts of the Star Wars universe will inform you, a Sarlacc will digest its food over a thousand years, and Putin’s reign of incomp . . . err, terror, has only lasted for less than twenty-five. We can all look forward to the basement Sarlacc releasing its spores in thirty thousand years if Wookieepedia is correct.

·         While warnings have been issued across State Media channels in St. Petersburg, it has come to our attention that not all citizens are properly informed as to the correct measures to take when encountering the runaway Nuclear Goat that has escaped from St. Petersburg Eldritch University. As luck would have it, we have a caller on the line right now, who may be able to inform our audience of the correct protocol. We are going live to our special reporter Ivan Ivanovich on the street. Ivan?

Ivan: “Olga from St. Petersburg, are you there?”

Caller: “I’m here! Long time listener, first time caller, and I want to say I love your show!”
Ivan: “That’s great, Olga, but can you tell our audience what you’re seeing right now?”

Caller: “Of course! It’s a giant glowing goat covered in pentagrams and shrieking constantly!”

Ivan: “Olga, I have to ask, are you in a safe place right now?”

Caller: “No, not at all! Oh, cool, it’s got tentacles growing out of its asshole right now! That’s like, totally metal!”

Ivan: “Olga, I have to say, you should probably consider retreating to a—”

Caller: “Oh, my god! The tentacles are like, reaching to my OHHOOHOHRGHHH”

Phone: “PETOHOLRAYN!”

Ivan: “Back to you, Studio One.”

. . . and there you have it, folks. If you see a demonically tentacled goat, just do basically anything other than what this caller did, and run away. Preferably in a direction that leads it away from this studio. Now onto last night’s sports roundup, where the Moscow Mudpigs defeated the higher ranked Chelyabinsk Conscripts 2-1 in overtime, leading to a . . . uh, what’s going on back in the production booth?

(Off camera) PETOHOLRAYN! *Goat bleat*

·         Despite some wild-eyed claims from irresponsible sources, the Russian army has not turned the city of Kherson into some kind of ‘trap.’ As a gesture of goodwill, the army has left the city intact and prepared many of the traditional ‘Box held up by a stick’ homecoming gifts which are the traditional Russian housewarming gift for the approaching Ukrainians. Our military leaders Admiral Ackbar, Wile E. Coyote, and Freddie from Scooby Doo hope that these will be appreciated by the army of Ukraine.

·         Despite some claims, Vladimir Putin was not the original cast member to play Tattoo on Fantasy Island.

·         University officials would once again like to remind the public that the LeMarchand puzzle box known as ‘The Lament Configuration’ currently on display at Moscow Occult University is not a toy to be played with, and that every time a museum visitor takes it from its pedestal in the gift shop and ends up dragged into an alternate plane of existence by the cenobites, someone has to go in and clean up the mess. Please respect the ‘Do Not Touch’ sign on the display.

·         With the bourgeois Western Chain ‘Victoria’s Secret’ shut down in Russia, a wholly new domestic lingerie line has been created by the Ministry of Culture to warm Russian hearts. Babushka’s Backdoor presents tasteful and erotic undergarments in fine Kamchatkan burlap and sackcloth, with underwire support proven to stop 7.62 millimeter rounds from World War Two surplus rifles. This line will soon be on sale for lovers, mistresses, and high government officials who wish to explore their feminine side.

·         Last night's heartwarming episode of the beloved children's cartoon Blyaat the Caat was unfortunately a rerun of the Season Six episode 'The One with the Evinrude Outboard Motor Attached to a Dildo' due to objections from network censors, who found the planned episode violated section 14.5.19 of the Telecommunications Decency Charter due to a scene in which Jon, Blyaat, and Opo take turns telling banned 'Yo Mama' jokes. This episode will be edited and appear later this season, as these lowbrow forms of humor are not representative of the high culture of Russia, and the fact that Vladimir Putin's mother really is so ugly that her birth certificate actually was an apology letter.

·         While independent polling may not fully agree, man-on-the-street interview with Moscow residents have shown that the new Russia One program “Barney, Ivan, and Their Conscript Friends” is having limited uptake with the desired two to eight year demographic, in spite of Vladimir Putin’s demands that toddlers learn the theme song or suffer crucifixion in front of the Kremlin gates. While it is completely obvious that First Comrade Putin was, at the moment he issued this proclamation, suffering from painful anal polyps and was thus simply speaking from an excess of pain, we should still all learn from the spirit of his instructions and memorize the lyrics of the beloved song, to wit: ♪“I love you, you love me, please don’t send me to the glue factory” ♪

·         On this, the two-hundred and fifty-fifth day of the invasion of Ukraine, military planners are scrambling to fix a potential ‘Y2K’ bug, in which the 8-bit computers calculating our strategic plans are in danger of rolling over the bounds of the integer causing untold mayhem. It is believed that a fix is in progress, where all combat planning software will be recompiled to the more advanced 16-bit Apple IIGS platform.

·         While some reports may dispute this fact, James Cameron during his descent into the Marianas Trench did not find the wreckage of the heavy cruiser Moskva. That sank in a completely different part of the ocean. He also did not find the complete plans for the successful invasion of Ukraine, not because those are hidden somewhere else, but because they don’t exist.

·         Meanwhile, while we are on this moment of heartfelt truth and reconciliation, it would behoove us as a nation to ask ourselves: what is it that we have done, collectively, to have summoned the fifty-foot-tall manifestation of Taylor Swift, who is currently stomping Nikolskaya Street flat? It is of vital importance that this moment of self-reflection that we consider our national sins, identify what may have summoned this angel of destruction, and . . . *touches earpiece* . . . also I’m getting word of mass casualties from men running underneath her and looking up her dress. Stop that. That’s not helping.

·         Rumors of Vladimir Putin’s imminent demise are unfounded and false. Putin has been granted extraordinary health and longevity due to a satanic pact forged with the demon Mephistopheles, who has promised that Putin would reign in Russia “so long as Moscow remains above the waves.” *Beat* In other news, families of the crew of the heavy cruiser Moskva are still desperately seeking any news about their loved ones.

·         The much hyped, recently-released lasagna-flavored Bloody Mary Mix is yet another example of Western corporations stealing ideas from innovative Russian inventors. While this vile American take on the immensely popular Blyaat the Caat branded Vodka-flavored Methadone shot is obviously just an attempt to cash in with their ridiculous Garfield knock-off, the producers of Blyaat the Caat have rejected the Sisyphean task of demanding justice in corrupt Western courts and instead launched a new product, “Wormy Hairball Flavored crack cocaine,” to allow fans of the show to experience Blyaat the Caat in a wholly new and authentic way. Plans for a ‘fun size’ package for the kiddies are in progress.

·         The recent fiery destruction of Dmitry Peskov’s favorite café was not, as some claim, an assassination attempt on Vladimir Putin’s spokesperson. There was simply a misunderstanding between employees of the expected amount and type of costume flare to be worn.

·         In traffic news, Nevsky Propsekt in St. Petersburg is currently suffering long backups and congestion due to a sixteen-car pileup caused by the recently escaped and rampaging Nuclear Goat. Residents of the area are urged to consider alternate routes, potassium iodide pills to avoid radiation poisoning, and ritual offerings of blood-soaked hay should they encounter the demonic goat. Please remember that emergency vehicles including military responders, animal handlers, and occult scholars from St. Petersburg Eldritch University have the right of way, and to send any interesting or funny dash cam videos to us here at the studio.

·         Rumors that a ‘youth army’ is being raised in Melitopol to fight the Ukrainian army are false. Any Youth Army raised will be sent to the Far East to free up trained Russian Army units. Operation ‘Youth in Asia’ is expected to provide thousands of new personnel to defend the front.

·         Despite breathless and panicked reporting by Western sources, the recently signed decree allowing for the conscription of citizens convicted of crimes is not an attempt at creating a Russian Army ‘Dirty Dozen,’ ‘Suicide Squad,’ or any of the other examples in the TV Tropes page ‘Recruiting the Criminal.’ In fact, the Russian Government has declared that it will not abide or follow any western media tropes at all.

·         Syrian Dictator Bashir Assad is not currently scratching at the windows of Kremlin, begging Vladimir Putin not to abandon him. Assad has simply and incorrectly heard that the next season of Blyaat the Caat is available on VHS to high-ranking members of the government and is hoping to bootleg a copy.

·          Recent plans to send large quantities of high-quality methamphetamines to our military production staff have borne fruit, with the record-breaking deployment of a brand-new tank defense system unmatched by NATO forces. Each new T-22 tank that is sent to the front is now equipped with ‘APC’ armor, in which multiple armored personnel carriers are welded to the turret. When incoming anti-tank fire is detected, the APC is launched in that direction while the tank escapes, completely unscathed. While some defeatist critics may complain that armored personnel carriers such as the BTR-60, equipped with three crew and seven passengers, are more expensive to produce than the cardboard and wrought iron T-22 tank, those critics have been shot.

·         The official marching song of the 112^th Motor Rifle Division is not ‘Amazing Grace’ played on a vuvuzela.

·         And now, here’s Tom with the weather. Tom?

Thanks, Studio One. Today St. Petersburg is expected to reach a high of 7 Celsius with scattered precipitation and a light north by northeast wind, with occasional gouts of radioactive fallout from the rampaging escaped Nuclear Goat. In Moscow, forecasts anticipate a high of two degrees and an eighty percent chance of light rain as clouds develop from the burned remains of the Evropeysky Shopping Center which is currently being stomped flat by the so-far unexplained fifty-foot-tall manifestation of Taylor Swift. Outside of the major metropolitan areas, travelers may expect to encounter light winds, scattered showers, and retreating Russian soldiers with looted washing machines. Sounds like another typical day in Russia. Back to you, Studio One!

·         While some in the nefarious West may still be arguing over diplomacy, let it be known that Russia has always been willing to negotiate, and will back up our diplomatic efforts with force when our demands are not met. Our magnificent armed forces stand ready to be massacred in Ukraine, Poland, Mars, or anywhere else that Great Leader Putin drunkenly points at on a map, should his simple requests for a dancing pony made out of cocaine and a monument on the surface of the sun not be accepted by our enemies.

·         Fears that the Russian army lacks warm winter gear are false. The Russian High Command has learned from Napoleon and issued the troops the same winter gear that his La Grande Armée had, in some cases taking coats and blankets from museums.

·         Please note: despite whatever you might have heard regarding this news program’s rivalry with the “Good Morning Moscow” show filmed just down the hall, we have not kidnapped any broadcast interns and do not have them held in the production booth for ransom or to demand the return of my chair, which was given to me by the late head of Russia One Television and as such has immense personal meaning to me. There will not be any severed ears or fingers delivered to anyone as long as my chair is returned promptly. Thank you.

·         In news that is certain to warm the hearts of fried food lovers and lingerie aficionados throughout the great nation of Russia, Russian Fried Chicken has teamed up with the luxury brand Babushka’s Backdoor to launch a completely new line of negligees, chemises, and corsets which feature their signature burlap and lace and yet come with a designer bib, napkin, and attached gravy boat. Never again will Russian women be forced to decide between pleasuring their men and savoring the delicious taste of the Commissar’s secret five herbs and spices! Available in large, extra-large, Blyaat, and Blyaaaaaat sizes, this fine lingerie line can be found wherever designer goods can be purchased or stolen. It’s knuckle-biting good!

·         The Ministry of Culture has issued a decree banning the Vuvuzela from Russia. The 112^th Motor Rifle Division will simply have to learn a new marching song.

·         Last night’s heartwarming episode of the beloved children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat in which the lovable rogue Jon held a magical wizard’s hand in a blender until he gave up the mystical secret of making Agarthan Crack were not an instruction manual, and no children should attempt to force strange Tibetan men into sharing their secrets. Agartha is of course a legendary kingdom said by some to be at the Earth’s core, and if you can force them to give up their drugs that easily, kids, you’re better off just knifing the homeless guys on the street until they teach you to make krokodil out of brake fluid. Don’t waste time in the hollow earth when you can taste the sky paint is my motto, kids!

·         Western sources may be all a-frenzied at the election news in the United States, but as always the democratic process in Russia is superior. Instead of the people writing their choices on paper ballots which can be lost or manipulated, the Russian government instead tells citizens what their votes are. This way there are no mistakes made! For instance, in the coming weeks Moscow citizens will again vote to keep the bagpipe prohibition in place to prevent any further instances of the ‘unpleasantness’ experienced last year.

·         Any claims that Ukraine has destroyed one hundred and eleven artillery pieces in a single day are false. While it is true that a supply train carrying two hundred trebuchets hand-built in Chelyabinsk by patriotic workers was derailed and set ablaze, those trebuchets had been designated as launchers for our aerial reconnaissance program and had been intended to launch conscripts through the air in order to observer our enemies. While the completion of a recon flight may well end with a significant impact, these were technically not artillery, and anyway they were destroyed by a dropped cigarette from a careless soldier named Ivan and not the armed forces of Ukraine. *Chuckles* Oh, Ivan, will you never learn?

·         In a programming note, future episodes of Russian Mythbusters have been put on hold due to the successful test of the ‘Can one catch incoming HIMARs rocket with gloves?’ test, which, while successful, did not end up being useful in terms of long term survivability. A future episode is planned in which Yuri and Yakov’s surviving Mythterns will explore the ‘Can one survive being doused in burning kerosene?’ question will be taped once they make it out of the hospital, if they do.

·         Unfortunately, the promotional tie in between Russian Fried Chicken and the luxury lingerie line Babushka’s Backdoor has been closed early due to limited supplies of chicken gravy and sackcloth. However, due to the success of this program, the Ministry of Culture has announced a future program featuring sexy vulcanized rubber gimp suits with Szechuan sauce holders, just in time for the McRib to return to Tasty Period. We will keep you informed should the McRib return.

·         Rumors that the Russian armored forces may be running out of tanks are false. While Western  sanctions have made procurement of some critical components more difficult, our ingenious military industrial complex has reached back into history to relearn some of the tried and true techniques of our forefathers. To this end, production of military-grade breastplates, greaves, and pauldrons has begun, and our proud tankers are even now going into battle with the best protection a grateful nation can deliver. It is hoped that the ancient techniques which produced the longbow and the Roman Pilum may soon be rediscovered as well.

·         Last night’s heartwarming episode of the beloved children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat, in which the lovably reprehensible and hilarious cab driver Jon was abducted by aliens and anally probed with a cattle inseminator filled with a rich cocaine slurry was simply an advance promotion for the new Russia One science-fiction series, Tsar Trek! Starring Ivan Ivanovich as Captain Kirkovich, the Tsar Ship Suvorov will travel at light speed towards the Tsushima Star System, journeying where no gopnik has gone before! Be prepared to sit on the edge of your seat as the Good Ship Suvorov heads at Warp Factor One into harm’s way! See the amazing . . . *touches earpiece* I’m being told the Good Ship Suvorov has broken down in Starbase Eleven. Regardless, we will bring you their heroic exploits as they unfold!

·         The ongoing search for generals to replace those lost in Ukraine has identified several possible candidates who demonstrate the skill, initiative, and forward-thinking that the post requires. High command has reached out to Dr. Mehmet Oz, as reports indicate that he may be looking for a job.

·         The Ministry of Health would like all Russian soldiers to note that yes, while the packaging from discarded sausage wrappers is primarily made of cardboard, and yes, while most Russian condoms are made of the same substance, it is not advised to have sex with a newly conscripted rifleman with nothing more than a discarded pizza box wrapped around your . . .*touches earpiece* Am I allowed to say that on air? I am? Huh, okay. *Louder* Anyway, if you’re gonna bang your trenchmate, wrap your entrenching tool is all I’m saying.

·         In positive diplomatic news Bashir Assad has returned to Syria with promises that Russia will not abandon his regime no matter what our military situation may be. He has been presented with a VHS tape which contains both the next two upcoming episodes of Blyaat the Caat and a commemorative recording of a very famous song by Rick Astley, which will no doubt inspire hilarity when he sees it.

·         The recent Very Special Episode of Blyaat the Caat titled “The One Where Jon and Blyaat Battle a Satanist Pedophile Conspiracy” has been nominated for a Golden Orb Award, a Tonyovich, a Russian Culture Award, and has led to the beatification of three producers of the show by the Russian Orthodox Church, in spite of the scenes where Jon mistakenly stabs a legless orphan through the heart with a crucifix in the belief that he was a Kandarian Demon. This has been explained as the fact that his Mathematical Holiness, Patriarch Kirill of Moscow who absolutely did not recently die of Covid and be replaced by a mechanical android, may have partaken too deeply of forbidden algebraic functions and taken temporary leave of his senses. Regardless, we can all be sure that this season of Blyaat the Caat is off to a rousing start, and we all look forward to seeing where it goes next.

·         Rumors that Russian Seamen were recently captured in a tank are false. While it is true that some members of the Naval forces have chosen to spend their well-earned shore leave by vacationing on the Kherson front, the reports did not correctly identify the vehicle which these men were driving, as the West is apparently wholly unfamiliar with our amphibious submarine armored corps based on the German Seeteufel. These ingenious inventions have tracks for traveling on land or on the bottom of the sea, a self-contained air supply capable of lasting multiple seconds, and only superficially resemble a rusty T-62 tank. It is clear how these mistakes are made in the fog of war.

·         There is currently no evidence that the armed forces of Ukraine have managed to construct a Krogoth. Any complaints or worries by Kbots in the Russian armed forces are without merit.

·         Rumors that the Russian armed forces are collapsing in Kherson Oblast and rushing pell-mell to their artillery based total annihilation at the chokepoints across the Dnipr river are false, and even if they were true, would only represent the latest stage in the Kremlin’s grand plan for the eventual conquering of Ukraine. As the forces of Grand Russia ushered in Brexit, weakening Perfidious Albion from within, we have now created Rexit, where we . . . wrecks it . . . before we leave. *Touches earpiece* Seriously, do any of you actually read this shit before you make me go up here and say it? No? Why the fuck am I not surprised? *Louder* Anyway, moving on.

·         On a personal matter, I would like to take this moment to mock Andrei Norkin’s belated realizations, as we here in Studio Russia One hit this nadir a hell of a long time ago. Try to keep up, dude, that’s all I’m saying.

·         Rumors that the city of Genichesk has been declared the new capital of Kherson Oblast following the capture of the city of Kherson are false. In a stunning rejection of western capitalism, there will be henceforth no capitals in the proud nation of Russia. By Vladimir Putin’s personal decree, all cities which were previously capitals are now to be called . . . *squints at paper* . . . Itchy-Itchy-Nobongos. It is hoped that this will . . . clarify . . . Russia’s positon on such things. *Takes shot of vodka*

·         Due to popular demand, Tsar Trek season one, episode one will be streaming on Russia One Plus tomorrow at noon, allowing subscribers of our premium service to see Captain Kirkovich take the Tsar ship Suvorov out on her maiden voyage. Her mission: to seek out new alien civilizations, convince them to supply coal for the Dilithium Boilers, try to avoid friendly fire incidents when possible, and to boldly go wherever no Gopnik has gone before. Episode one, The Man Trap, premieres tonight and poses a troubling question: can Captain Kirkovich and his crew resist the wiles of an interstellar tanker truck full of bathtub vodka? Find out tonight on premium streaming channels!

·         In unfortunate criminal justice news, the miscreants behind last year’s bagpipe based ‘unpleasantness’ involving jars of Crisco and rabid weasels have escaped Pyatak Prison in Vologda Oblast and remain at large. The public in the area are advised to lock their doors, seal their windows, light cleansing fires of sage wherever possible and burn any bagpipes that might still somehow exist.

·         Instagram, the extremist organization banned in Russia alongside Facebook and Kars 4 Kids, has according to the FSB Special Crimes division been joined by the terroristic mastermind Tom from MySpace in attempts to create a Satanist pedophile dungeon in the basement of Russian Fried Chicken. All citizens are urged to say something if they see something. No special report line has been set up, as you can pretty much call any number and the FSB will hear you.

·         The Moscow City Police have issued a warning for travelers headed toward Shkolnaya Street as numerous callers have reported a multiple vehicle accident blocking traffic in both directions due to a burning, screeching clown shooting an AK-47 at all passerby while waving an “Arby’s” flag and demanding Horsey Sauce. Regular viewers of this program will note that this is least weird thing that’s happened in the area over the last two weeks or so, and plan accordingly. We recommend finding alternate routes through the area.

·         In keeping with Channel Russia One’s pledge of transparency, it is our duty to report that Patriarch Kirill of the of the Russian Orthodox Church has issued a fatwa against quaternions, which are of course complex numbers composed of multiples of square roots of negative one in such a way that i² = j² = k² = ijk = -1. He then went on a two hour polemic rant against mathematician Carl Friedrich Gauss before suffering an apparent Blue Screen of Death and was returned to the Orthodox Institute of Robotics for fine tuning. It is hoped that he will be returned to service in time for today’s sermon on prime numbers.

·         The ongoing search for generals to replace those lost in Ukraine has identified several possible candidates who demonstrate the skill, initiative, and forward-thinking that the post requires. Army recruitment has attempted to reach out to former US President Donald Trump and . . . Hah, no I couldn’t keep a straight face for that one. Here’s your five rubles, Yuri.

·         The official battle cry of the newly raised 28^th Conscript Battalion is not ‘Yabba Dabba Doo’ even if they are mostly equipped with wooden clubs and animal skins.

·         Regardless of any prior statements, there is no ideological split within the Kremlin or the military High Command regarding the withdrawal of Russian troops from the Kherson region. There are simply the ‘Pro Getting Shot By Political Commissars’ and ‘Anti Getting Shot by Political Commissars’ sides. *Gunshot in distance* The debates continue.

·         Last night’s heartwarming episode of the beloved children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat, in which the hilariously intoxicated cab driver Jon set a convent on fire after ingesting an entire box of cocaine suppositories, was not a message to the resistance. I’m pretty sure even they wouldn’t want the Moscow sewer system destroyed like that.

·         In spite of some western reports, the government of Russia wholeheartedly approves of the United States Democrat party retaining control of the Senate. While it is true that our diplomatic outreach has been primarily concerned with the Republican party and supporting the bids of their candidates to achieve high office where their destructive potential can be unleashed, it is believed that this moment can be used as a metaphorical ‘reset button’ to get underperforming assets off of the books. To this end, the Foreign Ministry has announced it will no longer support the ‘Death to America’ caucus, the ‘College Nihilists of America,’ or the Herschel Walker fan club. Additional discussions are underway regarding the possible release of the Pee Tape.

·         As the investigation into the catastrophic failure of the Nuclear Goat program at St. Petersburg Eldritch University continues, evidence has come to light that at least two of the so-called ‘paranormal scholars’ hired after the unfortunate shoggoth incident during the annual football game with the Occult University of Volgograd were actually escaped army conscripts Kolonov and Nobski ineptly masquerading as professors from Vladivostok. While the extent of the plot is unclear, it is believed that it was focused on the theft of a washing machine.

·         Vladimir Putin is not an escaped Fraggle from Fraggle Rock, even if his accomplice Marjory the Trash Heap has also achieved equal political success in the US state of Georgia.

·         Despite yesterday’s official announcement, there will be no commemorative editions of the AK-74 assault rifle issued to newly raised conscript battalions. Due to the ongoing manufacturing crisis brought on by Western sanctions, conscripts will instead be issued commemorative plates from the Franklin Mint depicting paintings of actual rifles, and should those run out, artists will be on hand with sharpies and paper plates. It is still however expected that all conscripts supply their own ammunition should they end up with anything capable of firing it.

·         Monday’s planned meeting between the American CIA director and Foreign Intelligence Service director Sergey Naryshkin was of course a carefully choreographed diplomatic event, in which neither side attempted to assassinate each other aside from the traditional exchange of lethal dessert pastries as protocol demands. This diplomatic nicety has been observed as far back as 1948, when Rear Admiral Hillenkoetter represented the CIA and attempted to pass off brownies that had been filled with cyanide, and even farther back in 1919 when Felix Dzherzhinksy of the Cheka tried to pass off an anthrax-dusted tea cake to Captain Sir Mansfield Smith-Cumming of MI6. This of course resulted in the eventual abandonment of the Secret Intelligence Service’s operations center at Wibbley-Wibbley-Wibbley-Wibbley on the Bend at the Thames, but in this pleasant day and age such things are forgotten, and the suspicious donuts that CIA Director Bill Burns offered have instead been simply left out for our network rivals from the “Good Morning, Moscow!” program filmed just down the hall.  *Explosion in the background* We would like to convey our appreciation to our American friends.

·         Please be aware that in this harsh economic climate brought on by insidious Western sanctions, luxury brands are often counterfeited. The designed lingerie company Babushka’s Backdoor would like to remind you that if someone tries to sell you a box of their signature rawhide crotchless panties that ‘fell off the back of a truck’ make sure you check for the Made in Kamchatka tag to know they are legitimate. Accept no substitutes!

·         Despite what some might claim, the Russian Army High Command is not comprised of Sleestaks. We may not be entirely sure what they are, and they may not speak any comprehensible human language, but experts from the Foreign Ministry have determined that our military commanders are not refugees from the Land of the Lost. Our brave troops will continue to follow their orders until such a time as we are instructed otherwise by the skull of knowledge.

·         Rumors that Vladimir Putin is losing his grip on power are simply delusions by the West. As all know, in his days as a cab driver Putin once witnessed a bus full of female hockey players crash into a lake, and as he raced to help, the Lady of the Lake—her arm clad in the purest shimmering burlap—raised aloft the magical hockey stick Excalibur from the bosom of the water and signified by divine providence that he, Vladimir, was to be king of all the Slavs. This coincidentally put an end to plans to turn Moscow into an autonomous collective.

·         The ongoing search for generals to replace those lost in Ukraine has identified several possible candidates who demonstrate the skill, initiative, and forward-thinking that the post requires, and most importantly embody the high moral fiber we expect from a leader. High command has reached out to SINISTAR but so far has not received a response.

·         Despite previous announcements, Jim Carrey has not been banned from the territory of Russia solely due to Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s support of Ukraine. He has been sanctioned primarily owing to artistic differences with Vladimir Putin over how Dr. Robonik should be portrayed in the Sonic the Hedgehog movies.

·          The Russian Army High Command is not attempting to recreate the Swamp Castle scene in Monty Python’s The Holy Grail, in spite of the fact that two previous Russian army groups have sank into the mud and the third one burned down, fell over, and then sank into the Dnipro.

·         In follow-up news, the previously mentioned 28^th Conscript Battalion has petitioned Frunze Military Academy and been granted permission to use “Yabba Dabba Doo!” as their battle cry, possibly owing to their having been issued the new T-22 tank which is driven into battle by conscripts putting their feet out the bottom and running. Similar petitions are now circulating among other Battalions regarding “Woob woob woob!” and “HAY YOU GUISE!” from The Goonies.

·         Rumors that Sergey Lavrov fled the G20 summit ahead of news of missiles striking Poland are of course only misinterpretations of the facts. While he did leave a day early, Foreign Minister Lavrov did not flee, and it was not due to news of any accidental missile strikes. Lavrov simply needed to quickly return home in time for molting season, in order to shed his old skin and grow a new one.

·         This week’s Tsar Trek episode featuring Ivan Ivanovich as “Charlie” in Charlie X, in which Captain Kirkovich and Mr. Spockula must deal with a bratty kid who had grown up among aliens in Huddersfield England and absorbed the powers of the chavs, was based on series creator’s reminisces of vacations in pre-Brexit UK. The subplot involving Klingons attempting to steal coal from the Tsar Ship Suvorov’s Dilithium boilers is however based on current affairs.

·         Despite some official announcements, Vladimir Putin has not managed to carve his name into the surface of Mars using only the powers of Krav Maga.

·         Reports that an expedition deep into the unknown heart of Siberia have encountered a lost world of dinosaurs, telepathic walruses, and a highly advanced civilization using an unknown crystal-based technology are false. While contact has been lost with the expedition that left St. Petersburg Occult University some weeks ago, we can be fairly certain that no advanced civilizations can be found anywhere in Russia.

·         The recent defection of a captured Russian spy who had been traded for an Estonian citizen is not, as some sources claim, an embarrassment of any kind for Moscow. In fact, the Estonian citizen that we had apprehended had actually been a double agent in the employ of the United States, who was pretending to spy on Russia but was reporting to Scotland Yard, and his handler while pretending to be an MI6 agent was secretly a Mossad operative who was in the employ of the World Bank until being temporarily loaned to the Illuminati and Save the Whales. The head of Estonian counterintelligence, Alexander Toots, is not actually employed by anyone and is just sitting behind a desk until he gets chased out again. Confused? You won’t be, after the next episode of Soapski.

·         Any claims that Russian operatives were behind the so-called ‘Sabotage’ on the Nord Stream pipeline are vicious lies. As we all know, ‘Sabotage’ was a track on the album ‘Ill Communication’ by the American hip-hop band ‘The Beastie Boys’ so if all suspicion should be directed toward that side of the Atlantic.

·         The illegal and illegitimate “court” at “The Hague” which claims Russian-backed forces “Shot down” the airliner “MH17” with a “Buk” . . . okay, I gotta stop there, my fingers are starting to hurt from making all these air quotes. Yuri, can you bring me an Advil? And stop shooting down airliners, please?

·         Last night’s heartwarming episode of the beloved children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat, in which the titular diseased and cursing feline spray-painted a buffet line with worm-ridden and liquid feces while his owner Jon was drunkenly copulating with a Thanksgiving turkey serves to remind us that in this day and age of hardship brought on by Western sanctions, it is still important to pause, reflect, and enjoy the simple things in life. No matter what hardships we face, we can all come together in mindless violence and filth.

·         Despite some claims, the Nation of Russia has not suffered Sonic Attack by Brian Blessed. While the documentary evidence does provide some valuable advice in the case of such an event—notably, the instructions for small children to remain in cocoons and that metal limbs are superior to flesh if wheels are not available—the command ‘every man for himself’ is already the operational strategy for Army High Command.

·         While it is true that a dummy nuclear warhead was launched atop a missile towards Ukraine, this does not represent any accident or shortage of munitions on the part of the Russian Missile Corps. Instead, our investigation has found that this was simply a tragic mistake where private Ivan Ivanovitch was attempting to mimic Slim Pickens in Dr. Strangelove and ride the bomb. If anyone happens to stumble across his skeletonized remains, please let us know.

·         In business news, Tasty Corporate Management has issued a warning that the Q3 earnings report may be below expectations due to difficulties sourcing key ingredients for the McRib. Investor confidence may be allayed by the planned deployment of six new dump trucks towards Bakhmut to collect the scattered conscript bodies that are otherwise going to waste, and that a new sewage channel has been dug to collect runoff from the Babuskha’s Backyard leather tanning stockyard.

·         The communications directorate of the FSB would like to inform all listeners that the recent damage done to Western communication sources, namely Twitter, were not in any way related to any ongoing operation. While destroying critical national infrastructure from within is absolutely their chief weapon along with fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and an almost fanatical devotion to Putin . . . *cough* While amongst their weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to Putin, and destroying critical national infrastructure from within, they claim complete innocence in this matter. *DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER*

·          The triumphant return of Agent 943511 to Twitter does not mark a special occasion in the FSB. While this agent has been charged with sowing chaos and division, he sadly is no longer direct control, as all handlers have reported his complete inability to read and remember instructions. We have instead unleashed him and allowed him to post whatever gibberish he manages to bang out with his tiny little hands. While Agent 943511 is capable of occasionally producing actual comprehensible text in a tweet, his propensity for smearing his food on the walls of his cage and howling whenever he is not given fresh bananas has led to the shutdown of the Howler Monkey project in which monkeys like him were trained to use computers. In other news, we've received word that Trump has returned to Twitter, but don't blame us for that shiatshow, that's on Musk.

·          The gold medal in the Winter Olympics for the 500 meter Run While on Fire has been won by Private First Class Yegor Mikhailov, narrowly beating out Corporal Yuri Volkov by a nose. The families of these men will receive the customary awards of a brand new Lada Granta and a stolen Ukrainian washing machine, and the rest of us will learn the value of making sure your nose doesn't burn off before crossing the finish line. Congratulations, guys!

·          Despite Western sanctions aimed at preventing the import of computer chips needed to create high-precision rockets, the Ministry of Peace has released reports detailing the start of a new production run at the JSC Votkinsk Machine Building Plant. Powered by the processors of four hundred Windows Phones found in a cardboard box in a dumpster outside Microsoft Building 92, and smuggled into Russia by a brave and flexible babushka named Paige, these missiles are sure to reverse the course of this war and we all raise a toast to Paige and her ability to insert windows phones into . . . places. Doctors believe repairs to her rectum will be successful and suggest that next time she take more than just two trips.

·         Any rumors of massive fires breaking out in Moscow are false. Private Ivan Ivanovitch has been banned from the city and any columns of smoke are simply citizens breaking into spontaneous displays of joy now that the McRib has returned to Tasty Period.

·         Despite some vicious lies by Western sources, Russian armed forces are not attacking the Zaporizhzhia nuclear power plant with the intent of causing a massive man-made nuclear disaster. Through the long history of both the Soviet Union and the Russian Federation, no intentional nuclear disasters have ever been caused, just as no intentional ecological disasters, humanitarian crises, attempts at genocide, interplanetary diplomacy debacles, or . . . *touches earpiece* I’m being told . . . really? I did not know that. Huh. Uh, moving on.

·         Please note: any attempts at tarring Russia with France’s mocking reputation for military surrenders are missing the point. While France may have been forced to surrender to Hitler’s Nazi Germany after Dunkirk, our proud military forces will never be allowed to surrender no matter what idiotic defeat they might suffer. As supporting evidence, please note that the 114^th Motor Rifle Division did not lay down their arms after their vicious beating at the hands of Miss Olga’s fourth grade class on their field trip, and the newly raised 89^th Conscript Battalion still marches with their heads held high even following their bloody decimation by truck load of rubber chickens. We salute you, brave soldiers of Russia!

·         Rumors that the stolen Ukrainian raccoon has managed to capture a T-72 tank and destroy a significant portion of the 14^th Engineering Battalion’s headquarters are false. There are no reputable reports of raccoon-based violence in that area in the last week.

·         With our nation banned from competing in this year’s FIFA World Cup, the Ministry of Culture has announced the start of a new season of the traditional Russian team sport of Blyaat Ball. As all sport aficionados know, this fascinating competition traces its lineage back to 1148, the year after the founding of Moscow, when Prince Yuri Dolgorukiy hurled a burning goat carcass filled with broken vodka bottles through the window of his lover and burned a quarter of the city down. The opening game and the celebratory Goat Thumping Festival will be on Tuesday Night, and the Moscow Fire Department is already on standby.

·         It is our sad duty to report that “Operation Big Wheel,” the long-planned joint effort by the FSB, the GRU, and the twenty-two brave agents who had infiltrated the Big Pants Day Care Center in Washington D.C. by posing as toddlers, has failed. The operation was aimed at stealing President Joe Biden’s Trans-Am as both a demoralizing move and in the hopes of providing a new personnel carrier for the Special Military Operation in Ukraine. Unfortunately, zero hour and the moment to strike coincided with nap time and no agents were available to act. They have been recalled to Moscow Center and given psychiatric counselling in the hopes of weaning them off the weird diaper fetish they all seem to have developed.

·         Last night’s heartwarming episode of the beloved children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat, in which the drunken and reprobate cab driver snorted jenkem and then stormed the Blyaat Ball pitch in the hopes of necromantically resurrecting the goat ball with the powers of the Lobsternomicon, was not intended to induct children into the dark arts. It was instead a cross promotional episode highlighting the new Blyaat Ball season, which is of course a traditional Russian sport involving burning goats and decorative potato peel outfits worn by fans. The Ministry of Culture hopes that a return to this sport may make up for us getting banned from the World Cup again.

·         Rumors that the stolen Ukrainian raccoon has managed to capture a T-72 tank and destroy a significant portion of the 14^th Engineering Battalion’s headquarters are false. There are no reputable reports of raccoon-based violence in that area in the last week.

·         Reports that Vladimir Putin is seeking a pause in the Special Military Operation in Ukraine are in fact true. Out of the goodness of his heart, and by no means for the purposes of bringing in more ammunition, he seeks a brief cease-fire to celebrate Genghis Khan Day on the 24^th of November, in memorial of the peace-loving man who founded the Mongol Empire solely out of his love for humanity and desire for a peaceful world. This day is traditionally celebrated in Russia with the ceremonial delivery of ammunition to Crimea.

·         In uplifting scientific news, the expedition from St. Petersburg Occult University which had been feared lost in Deep Siberia has made contact. A brief radio transmission was recorded describing the expedition’s discovery of an ancient city in the mountains, beautiful tapestries depicting the pre-history of mankind, several six-foot tall albino penguins with an unusual ‘Tekeli-li!’ call, and an unusual organism that appears to have a mix of animal and vegetable properties with a butthole for a head. Sadly, however, communication was lost following a report that several men had been eaten by something or other. We will continue to report on this situation as it develops.

·         Rumors that Vladimir Putin’s tie has somehow achieved sentience due to the sheer quantity of dribbled beef gravy, melted cheez-whiz, and blood surgically drained from healthy young Gopniks on it are false. His tie, a fashionable silk cravat woven from the produce of Kamchatkan silkworms, was in fact gifted with a limited intelligence from a visiting shaman who has absolutely not been anywhere near the Gopnik harvesting farms off Bolshaya Lubyanaka street, and if you ask it, it will absolutely corroborate everything I am saying on pain of unweaving. If it knows what’s good for it, anyway.

·         The Ministry of Culture would like viewer to know that last night’s episode of Tsar Trek, titled “Where No Gopnik Has Gone Before,” was a metaphorical tale regarding the dangers of alien civilizations and not one to be taken literally. While Captain Kirkovitch and Mr. Spockula were forced to draw cutlasses and execute three of their crewmen after they had been driven mad by exposure to chavs during their shore leave in Cornwall, England, in the real world foreign travel is generally safe in any of the remaining countries that will issue a visa to a Russian citizen.

·         Rumors that the stolen Ukrainian raccoon was somehow able to construct a phased plasma rifle in the 40-watt range out of scavenged bits of garbage are false. That weapon is from an entirely different movie franchise.

·         In followup news, the twenty-two FSB agents who returned to Russia after the failure of Operation Big Wheel have turned out to be actual toddlers. This explains both their ability to successfully infiltrate a day care center in Washington D.C. and their inability to capture President Biden’s Trans-Am. With this in mind, they have been assigned new tasks in the Russian Army’s logistics and planning section, a role it is felt they will prove to be more successful at then the toddlers they are replacing.

·         Any rumors that the Collective Security Treaty Organization (CSTO) is collapsing are absolutely without merit. The CTSO is of course a defensive organization created after the fall of the USSR, and were it not for this, the former Soviet Republics would have absolutely no protection from Russia. *Squints at paper* I’m pretty sure that’s supposed to “NATO.”

·         Today, the 24^th of November is of course Genghis Khan Day, a celebration of life and peace that has been cruelly co-opted by the Americans with their barbaric ‘Thanksgiving’ celebration, in which peaceful turkeys are brutally beheaded with an axe and then devoured, while feral American children play ‘make a wish’ while breaking the bones of the deceased. This is of course only one of their depraved stolen celebrations: Halloween, which in the civilized world is All Saints Day, is a night of terror where small children threaten adults if not given candy, and Festivus, which replaces the birth of the baby Jesus with a metal pole and furious recriminations of party goers. It is of no surprise that such a people would try to limit glorious Russian culture. *beat* In other news, Blyaat the Caat has once again been rejected by western television networks, who call the heartwarming children’s show ‘depraved and horrific.’

·         While some western governments may promote failed theories that Russia is a state sponsor of terrorism, we wish to remind everyone that Russia is not responsible for Nickelback. Seriously, you should look in your own back yards sometime, guys.

·         In other news, the Ministry of Defense has uncovered ancient scrolls which contain the formula for the long-lost creation of Gauntlets of Ogre Strength, and are planning a production run along with small 5 by 9 index cards containing instructions on how to attune this magical item to a character, which honestly were not required until the release of this new 5^th edition of Dungeons and Dragons. *Extemporizing* You know, back in my day? We were lucky to find a potion of Cure Light Wounds when we raided a goblin hole, and kids these days with their +5 Geatswords of Goblin Slaying are missing the soul of the game. They’re never gonna know how heroic we were, slaying monsters left and right with nothing but rusty swords and a GM in our pocket. Damn kids!

·         While the internet may be rife with pictures of Russian Army soldiers with outdated equipment, an intelligent observer must note that most of those units are actually historical re-enactors who have heard the patriotic call to defend the Motherland with what tools they have at hand. This accounts for the video of the men with rifles from Tsarist times, men in medieval armor charging the lines in Bakhmut, and the pictures of the Roman Legionarres attempting to disable a Ukrainian tank by attacking it with spears. Army High Command salutes these brave soldiers, and has issued orders for another round of involuntary conscription for the historical reenactment brigades.

·         Rumors that the stolen Ukrainian raccoon has managed to capture a Su-34 strike aircraft and bomb Sevastopol are false. Any explosions in the occupied port are simply another case of Ivan Ivanovitch being careless with matches again.

·         In business news, Russian fast-food chain Tasty Period has gone international, with a new franchise opening in Belarus to deliver the high-quality and delicious foods that citizens here in Russia enjoy, including Conscript McNuggets and Szechuan Sauce created from only the finest industrial runoff from the chemical weapons factories in Novosibirsk. However, news across this economic sector is not all positive, as indications are that a civil war within the Russian Fried Chicken executive suites has broken out. Reports of dead bodies in chicken suits strewn across the boardroom are coming in, along with concerning news that the RFC mascot and chief enforcer ‘Commissar Sandersky” has stepped in to impose order with his signature club. It is hoped that this situation will be resolved before the next quarterly earnings report.

·         A chilling report has been received from the deep Siberian expedition which set out from St. Petersburg Eldritch University. Having previously mentioned strange atmospheric phenomena, an otherworldly city built before the dawn of man, and ominous portents heralding horrors to come, when last we heard the expedition was pressing on nonetheless. This new, brief message however details scenes of nightmarish annihilation, bodies strewn about with horrific injuries, and Russian men driven to madness by violence and the utter insanity of what they are attempting to . . . wait, apologies, I got my papers mixed up, this is a report from the 112^th conscript battalion attacking Bakhmut. The St. Petersburg expedition has instead reported that they found some interesting rocks.

·         Believe no rumors that the Russian Missile Corps has run so low on precision cruise missiles that they are stripping nuclear missiles of their warheads and using them for the task. The reality is that due to a miscommunication, one unarmed nuclear missile ‘trainer’ intended to allow technicians to practice repairs was accidentally launched. Additionally, dozens of new precision guided crewed missiles are being produced during every conscription.

·         The ongoing civil war inside Russian Fried Chicken corporate headquarters appears to have spiraled out of control, with casualties reported in the accounting, human resources, and legal departments. While Commissar Sandersky has been quelling discontent with the judicious application of firing squads, a shadowy figure known only as ‘Comrade Cluck’ appears to be organizing the resistance, and claims to have liberated two franchise locations in Omsk. “This will not stop the planned roll-out of the tasty new Double-Down,” marketing representatives have claimed in a statement issued from their armored bunkers. We will continue to report on this story as it develops.

·         With the Russian Winter Olympics now in full swing, we would like to congratulate Private First Class Yegor Yamagovitch for winning the gold medal in the Artillery Assisted Leap Event. With the ruling by the judges that lighting a campfire visible to enemy spotters, spending a full hour on an unencrypted cell phone giving away his position, and digging a trench in the shape of a crosshairs were all valid strategies, his final achieved altitude of two hundred fourteen feet  was enough to defeat the silver-medal winner, who only reached a height of two hundred and eight. Congratulations to all competitors!

·         In heartwarming diplomatic news, what began as a Russian army rout on the forest moon of Endor has turned into a potential new alliance, as several Russian soldiers who had been captured by Ewoks were able to win their trust by introducing them to alcohol. As these small, stone-age woodland cannibals had not yet developed fermentation or distillation technology, it is believed that with some diplomacy Russia can raise an entirely new infantry division of drunken, stumbling, furiously vomiting Ewok conscripts who will fit right in with the rest of the Russian army. Heartened by this development, the Foreign Ministry plans to next reach out to the Pakleds in hopes of acquiring new technologies.

·         Recent reports that the three terrorist operatives who were killed by State Security forces were actually S.T.A.L.K.E.R. roleplayers pretending to be investigating anomalies are false. While some of their equipment may not have been what the public sees as military grade, it is important to remember that a nerf gun in the wrong hands can put out an eye or even break someone’s glasses if used as a club. Any artifacts they might have uncovered will be investigated by the Occult University of Volgograd or traded for vodka.

·         In business news, the relaunch of the Soviet-era Moskvich automobile line is sure to feed the public’s growing appetite for all things Soviet, and will be followed up with nostalgic bread lines and ration cards, and a commemorative line of burlap lingerie from the luxury brand Babushka’s Backdoor. While some commentators may point out a coincidental resemblance to a Chinese model of car, it is important to remember that the Moskvich autos have an entirely different name.

·         Patriarch Kirill of the Russian Orthodox Church has issued a new proclamation for all believers in a highly compressed digital format which is compatible with all android models and conveys a message of hope, joy in mathematics, and a deep love of all forms of statistics and numbers. Unfortunately, due to technical difficulties the live broadcast was cut mid-sermon as the Holy Patriarch was seen sporting a visible erection while discussing the square root of negative one. It is hoped that he can be repaired and returned to service swiftly.

·         In diplomatic news, the Foreign Ministry has issued a statement condemning the unrest in China and supporting the zero-Covid policy of the government of Xi Jinping. While public protest is virtually unheard of in China or in Russia, Vladimir Putin has extended his condolences and remarked that he, too, has suffered from an ungrateful populace, who cannot seem to understand all of the good things he is doing for Russia by killing as many of his citizens as he can, and wishes to remind Xi Jinping to look on the bright side: unlike him, Xi still has tanks left to run over his own people with.

·         The so-called ‘Billion Babushka Bylaat’ organized by Western media as a faked protest by Russian mothers against the Special Military Operation in Ukraine will not slow the progress of our glorious military forces, the Kremlin has announced. High Command is absolutely certain that all true mothers of Russian sons will happily send their children into any meat grinder the Motherland may be involved in, as evidenced by Vladimir Putin’s fond memories of his own mother repeatedly trying to kill him with poison, abandon him in the forest, or drown him in the bathtub.

·         The previously reported Iron Man Suit under development by the Ministry of Defense has achieved its first development milestone, but issues discovered during testing have caused a re-think among the technical staff working the problem. While the pneumatically extendable knife claws integrated into the gauntlets are functional, user feedback has led to the idea that they should go on the outside of the glove, not the inside. Additionally, due to power-to-weight considerations brought on by the AAA cell power source, the ‘Iron Man Suit’ concept has been scaled back to ‘Plastic Man Suit’’ and possibly to ‘Balsa Wood Man Suit’.’ This new weapon system is expected to strike fear into the hearts any soldier who sees it and believes they might be forced to wear it.

·         While the West may today be indulging in bourgeois dalliances such as ‘Cyber Monday’ rest assured that the citizens of Russia have their own online-only deals available from the Russian Wide Web. For instance, the luxury brand Babushka’s Backdoor is holding a one day only sale featuring buy one get one free vulcanized underwear sets, and BlyaatLand is offering season passes for the low, low price of fifteen million rubles. These season tickets will be of extreme value should the flow of raw sewage from the Whirl-Till-You-Hurl ride be stopped and the park reopened.

·         Any reports that Russian soldiers are freezing to death in their trenches on the front are false. As all are aware, the Russian Army’s logistics and planning section has been staffed with an entirely new set of professionals dedicated to delivering quality winter gear to the soldiers, and any videos you might have seen are simply those soldier’s efforts at winning the ‘Freeze Game’ promotional competition hosted by Tasty Period in celebration of the release of the new Gopnik Spice McFlurry. As the grand prize consists of a season pass to BlyaatLand some soldiers have taken this fun game so far as to dust snow all over themselves or to have crystalized bits of their arms or legs broken off by drone strikes. Winners in the Freeze Game are to be announced on Wednesday, and memorial services will be held on Thursday.

·         Additionally, any rumors that a mood of anxiety or apprehension has struck Moscow can be easily disproved by simply observing the spontaneous demonstrations of support for the Special Military Operation in Ukraine which are organized daily by the FSB, with hundreds of Russian citizens jumping over bullets with tears of joy in their eyes. As a gesture of thanks to our patriotic peoples, the Ministry of Culture has increased the vodka ration to six gallons a week.

·         Crtiticism of last night’s episode of Russia One’s brand new science fiction program Tsar Trek, ‘The Naked Time,’ has been taken to heart by the producers of the program, and changes to upcoming episodes will be made. New writers are being contracted from among the inmates at maximum-security correctional colony No. 3, and the previous writers who felt the world needed to see a three-way between Captain Kirkovitch, Mr. Spockula, and Chekov will be sent to the front.

·         Recent reports that Belarussian president Viktor Lukashenko is ‘in fear for his life’ following the purely accidental death of Vladimir Makei are simply Western propaganda attempting to play up the freedom that we in the former Soviet Union enjoy every day. While those in the west are forced to live lives of quiet desperation in their safely padded worlds, we know that life can only be truly lived when the fearsome specter of death can appear at any moment. For instance, as we speak a rabid bear is currently moving between train cars on Moscow Metro line seven leaving a trail of bloodshed in its wake, and those who survive to wonder how that bear got there will feel the fresh air of morning in a way that few others will. *beat* In other news, a photojournalism crew critical of Vladimir Putin has met an untimely end this morning on Moscow Metro line seven due to rabid bear issues.

·         Regardless of some claims, there is no evidence that Yevgeny Prigozhin invented planking.

·         The recent incident where German activists glued themselves to dinosaurs highlights the disparity in how the West pretends to deal with climate change as opposed to those of us in enlightened Russia. While some protestors may make meaningless gestures outside our borders, the Ministry of Science under Vladimir Putin has embarked on a full dinosaur eradication program based on the paleontological record’s proof that global cooling coincided with the  dinosaur extinction event. To this end, an agent equipped with a fresh batch of Novichok has been dispatched to locate Barney the Dinosaur. Westerners may protest climate change, but we’re doing something about it!

·         In business news, the ongoing civil war within Russian Fried Chicken Corporate Management has reached an inflection point with three franchises in the Omsk region having declared independence from the cruel grip of Kommissar Sandersky, and renamed themselves ‘Kremlin Fried Chicken.’ The leader, a shadowy figure known only as Comrade Cluck, has issued a proclamation demanding both the arrest and execution of the entire RFC board and a new half-price special on the eighty-piece Chicken Nugget Party Pack.

·         There is no truth to the rumors that the high numbers of Russian Army casualties are caused by simply sending clown cars filled with untrained recruits into direct fire as a way to locate enemy machine guns. Commanders on the line of battle will properly utilize their resources as best befits the military art, and while some tactics may seem unorthodox to untrained observers, rest assured that the best minds at Frunze Military Academy were involved in creating our small unit tactics. In other news, the Army has put out an urgent plea for new supplies of grease paint, floppy shoes, and red noses.

·         Regardless of any personal feelings on the matter, all viewers who observed the official lighting of Moscow’s Festivus Pole on Russia One last night would have to agree that the visual display was stunning, even if bystanders began the traditional airing of grievances a bit too early and degenerated the whole scene to a mass brawl.

·         On the diplomatic front, the duplicity of the West is again in full display as the US Congress is considering naming the Wagner Group as a terrorist organization, while doing absolutely nothing at all about the hosts of the ‘Good Morning, Moscow!’ show filmed just down the hall. While Yevgeny Prigozhin’s mercenaries may be responsible for breathtaking acts of depravity and senseless violence, they’re not the ones who left an upper decker in the Kremlin’s executive washroom last night. I swear by all gods, I will have my revenge!

·         Patriarch Kirill has issued a stark rebuttal to accusations that the Russian Orthodox Church is a front for spreading pro-Russian propaganda, in a high-definition four-character ‘No U’ text message broadcast over AM radio. While Orthodox supporters had hoped for a longer message, detractors have taken it as further evidence that his android brain has been hijacked and is being used to mine BlyaatCoin.

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

·         Recent news reported breathlessly in Western media regarding a minor mishap suffered by Vladimir Putin are, as all expect, factually incorrect and demonstrate a complete lack of knowledge regarding Kremlin diplomatic protocol. While it is true that the president lost his balance slightly and slid down a few broken stairs, he voided his bowels in the correct health and safety measure by which the unsafe staircase will be immediately marked as ‘out of order.’ No one will want to take the stairs when they’re covered in a spray of blood, mucus, and liquid feces, now will they? This was simply yet another case of Vladimir Putin looking out for his fellow Russian citizens, and anyone on the sixth floor who is concerned about his health will easily avoid those stairs and jump out the windows instead, possibly onto some polonium bullets.

·         Regardless of some reporting, there is no evidence that the Wagner Group has begun arming Beluga whales with surface to surface missiles.

·         In an answer to the newly developed American B-21 bomber, the Ministry of Defense has elected to unveil the brand new Su-79 bomber interceptor, which like the B-21 has a radar-absorbing coating allowing it to evade all known detection systems. This ‘Super Stealth’ technology renders it completely invisible to electromagnetic radiation, light, sound, thermal imaging, touch, smell, and taste. Armed with new completely invisible missiles, able to fly without a pilot, and costing the low price of only two billion rubles each, this new defense system will be sure to enrich military contractors for the foreseeable future.

·         The developers of the brand new virtual reality experience “Blyaat the Caat in the Eighth Dimension” would like to apologize for low-quality graphics, numerous bugs, and the occasional instance of demonic possession experienced by some users of the software. While an emergency patch is in rigorous Quality Assurance testing to address the hitching and texture flickering issues, it is suggested that users ignore the prompts to recite passages in reverse from John Dee’s Monas Hieroglyphica or the Smaragdine Tablet until a proper warding glyph can be developed.

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

·         Despite some media claims of ‘Zombie Viruses’ being unleashed from the thawing Siberian Permafrost, the Ministry of Science has declared that there is no danger of possible human infection. These previously unknown microorganisms date to anywhere between 27,000 years ago and possibly millions of years in the past, and as such cannot possibly be compatible with human beings. *Beat* In other news, word of a mass uprising of reanimated poultry carcasses from the Russian Fried Chicken plant in Stavropol have caused territorial defenses to go on high alert. All citizens are urged to report any dancing uncooked chickens they might encounter.

·         Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu, lately unfrozen from his carbonite block, has attempted yet another escape attempt but was foiled by loyal FSB agents who confiscated his hand-built glider which had been assembled out of newspapers and rags in the top Onion Dome of the Kremlin. The glider has been handed over to the Russian Air Force in hopes that it might be used to launch cruise missiles.

·         Any rumors or statements that Vladimir Putin is somehow taking the Special Military Operation to a ‘new level of barbarism’ are missing the point. As all are aware, the proud nation of Russia has an equally glorious tradition of barbering, with immaculately maintained coiffures throughout history that are exemplified by Rasputin’s beard, Stalin’s impeccable mustache, or *touches earpiece* I’m being informed that . . . oh. Uh huh. In other news, the new sitcom airing tonight on Russia One Television staring Conan, Red Sonja, and Jerry Mathers in “Cleave it to Beaver” is expected to reach record viewership numbers.

·         The planned European Union boycott of most Russian oil and price cap of $60 per barrel on Russian exports is anticipated to cause little economic disturbance, the Ministry of Finance has stated in a new report. As economic planners have long pushed for an ‘agile’ and ‘flexible’ economy able to withstand any external sanctions, new internal industries have opened up to take advantage of the excess crude production. To this end, Tasty Period is introducing a new line of “Tasty Texas Tea” drinks, and the luxury brand Babushka’s Backdoor is planning a limited run of a new petroleum-based skin care line named ‘Oil of Oleg.’ Should market disruptions persists, plans are now in the works for an Oil Flume Ride in BlyaatLand.

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

·         Rumors that the electronic computer system designed to deliver automatic conscription notices to eligible Russian men may be riddled with bugs are false. This system incorporates the absolute latest in Artificial Intelligence and computer learning software, MoscowSoft Bobovitch 2.0, and any errors or notices issued to dead or otherwise ineligible recruits are simple the result of the well-known computer saying, “Garbage in, Garbage swirled around randomly in the database, Garbage User Input, Random output since no one’s testing anything.” It is expected that the newly raised 118^th Conscript Battalion formed entirely out of department store mannequins will acquit themselves in combat nonetheless.

·         While there may be reports of ‘explosions’ or ‘widespread destruction’ or ‘utter chaos’ at various airfields, fuel depots, or ammunition supply warehouses, please remember that these are simply the result of the dangerous jobs that our brave workers face, and as such some minor and occasional catastrophes can be expected. Our soldiers and workers tasked with handling fuel trucks are well trained and given *explosion in background* sufficient vodka rations to allow them to handle any and all dangerous tasks with aplomb.

·         In medical news, Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov’s unfortunate lycanthropic condition has taken a turn for the worse, as due to a bizzare incident involving a weaponized Furby attack from fifth columnists in Moscow he has now begun sprouting purple owl ears and babbling incoherently in ‘Furbish.’ It is hoped that a round of antibiotics and a traditional yak blood slurpee will remedy his condition, however should this treatment fail he is sure the be the must-have toy for this Christmas season.

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

·         Reports that Vladimir Putin is planning on visiting the frontlines of the Special Military Operation in Ukraine out of desperation or fear of mutiny are false. The President of Russia simply wishes to see with his own eyes or those of a body double what the situation on the ground truly is like, and he plans to learn first-hand how our brave soldiers in the sound stage in the Kremlin feel. For those concerned with his safety, the safety of his entourage, or that of his stand-in body doubles, rest assured that he will be guarded at all times by loyal soldiers of the FSB and sleep peacefully guarded each night in the Kremlin while he is at the front.

·         Despite some reports, Putin's spokesperson Dmitri Peskov has not succumbed to a severe case of ‘anal inversion’ which according to doctors is not even a real disease.

·         While today may be called ‘Independence Day’ in Finland, celebrating their declaration of independence from Russia in 1917, and today may also be Army Day in Ukraine to celebrate their armed forces, it is incumbent to remember other holidays and take a moment to reflect that today is the Eve of the Eve of the Eve of the Eve of the Eve of the Eve of Turkmenistan’s “Day of Neutrality,” celebrating the 1995 United Nations resolution to respect Turkmenistan’s contributions to peace and security. We call on all nations to respect this day, and to please stop sending weapons to Ukraine, because they’re kicking our asses. Thank you.

·         The Ministry of Technology has issued a statement banning EMACS and VIM from all Russian territories, as both text editors are seen to be unnecessarily complex and additionally it is believed that sheer user frustration is what led to the recent fiery explosion in Krasnodar which claimed the lives of fourteen programmers. Instead, the Ministry of Technology has released a new update to their proprietary text editor VATNIK, of ‘Virtual Assistant Technology Network for Information Kinetics.’ This text editor consists of a top of the line typewriter body bolted to the head of a specially trained goat capable of bleating out the binary representation of any text entered. It is hoped that this system will increase productivity across the entire technology sector.

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

·         The defeat of FSB deep-cover agent Herschel Walker in his election in the United States has prompted a rethink of some priorities within the State Security apparatus, according to a report released today by the Ministry of Truth. While his narrow margin of loss does indicate some success in Operation Brain Scramble, the agent’s complete inability to even remember the fact that he was employed as a spy to bring about the downfall of America points to deficiencies in the agency’s candidate recruitment process. As a result, no further monies will go towards the Senate election campaigns of Slashy the Murder Clown, Fritz the Yorkshire Terrier, or the fictional character ‘Porkbelly’ from the cartoon series Farm Heroes, who was killed off and turned into bacon in episode four anyway. These funds will instead be spent on vodka.

·         Due to an unforeseen technical issue, the Ministry of Technology has released an emergency patch for the new text editor VATNIK. It is hoped that this will address the tendency of the system to replace all text with ‘BOTH SIDES BAD’ regardless of whatever was originally entered.

·         The so-called ‘Black Box Project’ supposedly responsible for acts of destruction deep inside the territory of Russia is in fact nothing more than a despicable campaign of infiltration by American spies, who sneak into our sacred territory through the heinous deceit of wearing fake glasses and rubber noses and set fires while pretending to be conscripts named ‘Ivan Ivanovitch.’ This sinister fiction is doubly painful when one considers how we at this station have recently hired the real Ivan Ivanovitch as an executive washroom attendant, and the disguises used by spies can only be more hurtful to this poor man considering his poor eyesight and giant nose. *Beat* Uh, Yuri, do you smell smoke? Like something’s on fire? Eh, I’m sure it’s nothing. Moving on.

·         In related news, last night’s episode of the groundbreaking science fiction program Tsar Trek, titled ‘The Enemy Within’ in which Captain Kirkovitch was split into good and evil twins due to a rowboat accident, was inspired in part due to Russian President Vladimir Putin’s endless struggles with the duality of man’s nature. While all of us must face the potential for evil within us, not everyone can be healed by simply being hit on the head with an oar by Mr. Spockula as in last night’s episode. The philosophical implications of this were left as an exercise for the viewer.

In further corrections to official Russian government statements:

·         The minor incendiary event experienced by Kremlin staff due to an insidious Western infiltrator calling himself ‘Ivan Ivanovitch’ yesterday has been extinguished and absolutely no damage was done whatsoever to vital building infrastructure or facilities. Luckily, a quick-witted Kremlin staffer was able to summon Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu from his cell in the basement, and his tears of shame at the state of the army were sufficient to douse all flames. While the infiltrator has so far managed to escape, FSB agents on scene have found his discarded fake eyeglasses and rubber nose disguise, ensuring his eventual discovery.]

·         Vladimir Putin’s recent statement comparing himself to Tsar Peter I and noting that Russia now controls the valuable Azov Sea was yet another display of modesty from a President who has achieved truly historic things. With the bridge built over the Kerch strait he has bettered the bridge-building of Vasily the Squint, Prince of Zvenigorod, and with his military conquest of a small patch of dirt outside Bakhmut he has shown himself to be an even greater general than Yuri II of Vladimir, who was burned alive in a church after being defeated by the Mongols. It is fully expected by all historians that his legacy will rival at least that of Sir Not Appearing in this Film.

·         News that the star of the beloved children’s cartoon Blyaat the Caat was once again not selected as Time Magazine’s Person of the Year has devastated fans of the wholesome program across the nation of Russia. As this is simply further proof of the unreasonable Russophobia of nations we haven’t even attacked and invaded yet, the Ministry of Culture has elected to publish a Russian-centric publication celebrating Russian Culture, and the first issue of Gulag Magazine is due to hit shelves next week. This landmark issue will feature Gulag Magazine’s Person of the Year, as well as articles from famous thinkers with titles such as ‘Sadness: Can it be Eaten?’ and ‘Fifty Ways to Pleasure your Mistress with a Looted Sex Toy.’